When the student is ready, the master appears - Buddhist Proverb

Sometime last week I logged on to facebook and there was this post...

"That it isn't for me to "accept" someone for who they are. Because that's a judgement that I know better n have deemed them "worthy" of my acceptance, that I've judged them by my worldview imposing who I am on and over who they are. that's just bollocks. I'm not here to "accept" people, I'm here to love them just the way they are, not change, "save", educate or improve. they know how to live their life n I know mine." -Hildi Rowland 

I have heard Dr. John Demartini say this many times (in his own words, of course), but it never sunk in the way it did when I read it off of Hildi's wall.  The impact of integrating this into my life has been monumental.  This post was my breakthrough.  Why didn't I get it earlier? I asked myself.  Perhaps, I was not ready before.  Such simple truth now that I feel it in me.  I was stuck on being grateful for so long and forgot the next step.. Love it all.  There is a reason why Dr. Demartini teaches his method and guides us to the Thank You, I Love You state.. I was stopping at the Thank You, I Accept You, state. 

This puzzle piece dissolved a lot of uncertainty and opened up my heart in a way that humbled me with the understanding that when you genuinely feel gratitude and love towards anyone or anything, you see yourself in everything around you.  A realization that everything and everyone around you are here to remind you just that... The interconnection we all have with one another, and the beautiful gift that that is.  

Hildi lives thousands of miles away from me, but because of the above post, I feel her presence in my everyday life as if we were roommates.  With this profound new level of awareness and perception, I understand why I don't "miss" some people who I love dearly, even though some live very far or have passed on.  The love keeps them alive in me, and the universe brings "them" to me in other forms.  


What once felt like an unbreakable wall inside my heart has vanished and the possibilities that pop up are nothing short of extraordinary.  With new knowledge, comes new accountability, and since this enormous breakthrough I have not stopped "collapsing" more walls that keep me from loving all as is... The more I feel myself in others and others in me, I lose track of boundaries, limits and parameters.  It's an universal sense that the two cents I love to share with the world matter.  And, so on with every being... We are all in this together, and the illusion of separateness and differences does not affect the whole in itself.  It just creates misguided or lopsided perceptions upon the participants of this huge ball of love.  (that's how i visually see it – a mass of energy leaping towards infinity together, some particles trading roles with others, in order to carry on the evolution of our true nature). 

What a journey! Wow! Thank you, Hildi! I feel you and yes, we are having a special connection.. I'm loving it! 

In Honor of All Gays and Lesbians in the Universe

I know I said I was taking a blogging break, but due to my very well reserved excitement of this time of the year, I have come down with a nasty bug. So, in the midst of prednisone, antibiotic, nebulizing treatments and bed rest... One thing left to do... Write.

Today, I found an incredible website truthdig. Well, it all began when I received Pat Tillman's eulogy in my email today, taken from his mother's book, and as I started to research more about Tillman's real cause of death, I stumbled upon truthdig. I've come across many essay/column/short story websites, but none like this one. I was enthralled immediately.

Two seconds into the site, I saw one of the most magical pictures I have seen in a very long time. The picture of the two lesbians kissing, as one of them (a service woman) returns home. I know the picture is kind of old news, but I hadn't seen it until today, and I found it absolutely magical.

I was literally overjoyed by it's simplicity, sincerity and display of genuine love. Of course... Those are my perceptions.

After gazing at the picture for a long time... I realized, I'm capable of loving a woman just as I am of loving a man. I have never considered a relationship with a woman before, but I think that I would not turn away from it...

As I write this on my mobile blogging app, doing my nebulizing treatment, my head is bombarded with fear, apprehension and self doubt to the same degree my heart is overwhelmed with a liberating feeling. Although this is not an official "coming out" statement... It's an admission that I feel love is love regardless of gender..

I commend that service lady for being a heroine in all senses... And all the gays and lesbians who constantly have to fight to prove to some of the world that they are perfect just as they are. Some even fight for the freedom we enjoy today.

Well, that's it for tonight.. Maybe for the year. GO GAYS!!

Happy holidays everyone! And, check out truthdig.com.

A Dreamer Indeed

There are certain dreams that like to come out at night and make themselves so distinctly different from other dreams that when you wake up after having these certain dreams, you feel like there's a hidden message in there for you, somewhere...

I have a recurring dream that involves a particular person and every morning after said dream, I'd foolishly think it was a sign for me to reach out to them. I'd wishfully think it was the Universe's way of telling me that they were thinking about me too. Needless to say that I've made a fool of myself (more than once) by reaching out to this person in high hopes my assumption of the dream's meaning was correct.

This morning the dream was still vivid in my head and it took several hours for me to focus on "reality". My immediate impulse was to reach out and unload my heart's songs onto them again, however, something subtler, but stronger stopped me. I heard a tiny little whisper in the background, "The dream has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you." It was a powerful moment.

I have thought about last night's dream all day, spoken about the protagonist to one of my closest friends, and concluded that this recurring dream is a sign for me to pay more attention to myself, its messages are gateways to my deeper subconscious levels and as far as the person goes, they are a figment of my subconscious playing my own self in an area of my life I still have not owned. In real life, they are not even making an effort to be part of my life in any way, so it is only a matter of self-respect & worth that I stop having illusions that some day we will have some type of relationship.

I used to wish for the dreams to stop. Now, that my perspective has changed, I look forward to learning more about myself while I sleep.

Constant uncertainty ...

It has been a reoccurring theme in my life for a long while.. A constant uncertainty of what to do next, how to be aligned and congruent to what I have learned I passionately love so much, abd find a way to carry out what I feel is my calling with confidence and ease. Even the smallest decisions carry a lot of weight, maintaining poise and focus to what's life-affirming to me requires many hours of self reflection and carrying out my mission demands an incredible amount of courage. As awareness expands in all multi-dimensional directions, I feel responsibility grows. I'm discovering my infinite self in a finite world and uncertainty is creeping up.

I learned a great mantra on Wednesday as I had my first session with a Bowen practitioner, "I accept all of life with ease, joy & glory." Wonderful, isn't it? I'm to say it 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night. Last night, as I tried to say it 10 times, I felt a blockage. Something inside of me fighting against the words and actually throwing a tantrum everytime I repeated the mantra. Easier this morning. And, I feel it will be almost effortless tonight. I also learned that as an infinite being... All things are possible. That resonated deeply with me. I'm capable of anything.

As I hold on to my new found glimpse of hope to get over this internal struggle I've been going through, something inside of me reassures me that it's all part of the plan. Just show up. I keep hearing. That's what I'll do. Changes are on their way. I've felt it before, I feel them now. I trust more, this time. And, as I write this blog, I feel the uncertainty starting yo wain off into thin air. As if I looked it dead in the eye in a duel and challenged it to keep going. It surrendered by throwing in a white towel. I've made a decision. I'm showing up.

10 Things I Underestimated About Motherhood

A couple of years ago, when I was looking to adopt a foreign baby, and in the midst of finding out that I'd probably have to sell a kidney, a lung, an arm and my right ear to afford one, I was encouraged by my friends and family to go forward with it. What I was doing was a beautiful act, they would say. Then, I could already picture myself being a parent. I pictured so many things in the theoretical world of parenthood. I looked at parenthood in general with rose tinted glasses and dreamt that the exhilaration of calling a little human "my child" would take care of any and every obstacle that might - key word being "might - arise.

Life is life. There are always obstacles, mostly ones we create in our own minds. Nonetheless, they exist for us. Foreign baby adoption didnt occur, instead i was gifted with a beautiful domestic Princess. It was pure adrenaline at first and as things settled into a routine, I had a very difficult time dealing with some feelings that surfaced. My first step in understanding what was happening to me was to acknowledge every single emotion I felt towards my new role in life. I completely underestimated motherhood. For the past 8 months, I have come up with a long list of "stuff" I heard relentlessly from other mothers, but needed to learn through experience. Here are the top 10.

10. MOTHERS DON'T SLEEP.

This one I learned the first week of having the baby home. Yes, she would wake up every three hours back then to eat, but even when she slept, I hardly got any shut eye. Every single noise she'd make startled me and I would rush to her side.

9. MY SELF-IDENTITY WAS RESUMED TO ONE WORD: MOTHER

I was nobody else for a while except the little human's mother. I completely ceased to be who I was, for a little while at least. I completely revolved myself and my life around my baby.

8. THE LIONESS IN YOU AWAKENS

Our instincts become so acute that it is impossible to deny them. You begin understanding the meaning of each fuss and cry, when you enter a room the first things you notice are all the potential threats, you can hear their voice in the middle of a heavy metal concert in Central Park, you learn that you have the capability of hurting someone badly if they pose any danger to your offspring. The lioness in us comes alive in every sense.

7. MOTHERS NEED A BREAK TOO

I have recently started being more active in my own life. It only took me 8 months. I used to feel guilty for admitting that I was exhausted. For 28 hours a day, I breathed, ate and slept with only one thing in my mind: my daughter. I remember the tears rolling down my face the first time I admitted to myself in my journal that I needed a break from my baby. I needed to resume living life as Camile as well, not only Anastasia's mom. The day after, I received an email inviting me to collaborate on a book. Since then, I take small breaks every day and not necessarily when she's sleeping. I do my thing, I do our thing and we both get to miss each other a bit. Getting to this point was very difficult, however.

6. MOTHERS DON'T HAVE ALL THE RIGHT ANSWERS

I'm surrounded by other mothers all day long. I read books on motherhood, I read articles, studies, you name it, I do it. The one thing I learned with undeniable proof is that every child is different. Every parent is different. I am trying to stop comparing my baby to all other babies her age. I watch her growth and development and try to find out what's better fir her future according to her and not in comparison to other children.

5. MOTHERS ARE DUMBER THAN THEIR CHILDREN

Here I'm not trying to say moms are idiots, the message is that kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. They know what we have long forgotten. They are true to themselves. Their needs come first in EVERY SENSE. From physiological to self-actualization in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, babies ask for it all. Our ignorance of their profound wisdom is what makes us less wise, if you will, than they are.

4. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WORLD AS SOON AS YOU HEAR THAT ONE SPECIAL LAUGHTER

My child's laughter is the sweetest, most perfectly harmonized, beautiful sound I have EVER heard. When she laughs I want to freeze time and rejoice in that sound for ever. No matter what's going on in my life, that laughter is the antidote to it all. The sound of her laughter is my personal Om.

3. MOTHERHOOD ENCOURAGES YOU TO BE THE PERSON YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF BEING

Children learn from watching what you do. They follow example. "Do as I say, not as I do," Ha! Dream on. Ever since Anastasia arrived I have pushed myself to reach every goal I ever had for myself. Whether I achieve them or not is not the point. My wish is that she learns she's capable of doing whatever she wishes to do. There are no limits, except the ones we create for ourselves. She is my inspiration to reach for the stars and keep on going.

2. HUMANITY HAS HOPE

It may sound narcissistic, egotistical and conceited to think humanity has hope because of your own child. Truth is I don't know one mother who looks at her baby and thinks otherwise (of course there are always exceptions). There is no way I can feel indifferent about the world since I met her. I look at her and I see infinite possibilities, and with that said, I, in turn, want to contribute to the world as well. She brings out the best in me.

1. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE EXISTS

Once I experienced (& continually experience) unconditional, parental love, I have learned I can love. Love is all you need, and most importantly, I realized I hadn't been loving myself enough. In the beginning of our mother/daughter relationship, I still indulged in self-neglect and gave all of me to her. Motherhood taught me that I'm a very crucial part of the mother/daughter pair and I MUST love me too. I started with giving myself 10% of what I'd give my daughter... Now, I don't count anymore. I honor and respect myself as much as I honor and respect Anastasia. I need to be well so that I can do my best for her. It oscillates everyday, some days she gets more of me, other days I do.



A couple of days ago, I decided to dig deeper than I had been digging into my inner self and face with total honesty all the pros & cons that came with being a mother. It's the hardest, yet the most rewarding role in life. So many lessons come in the package. A couple of days ago, I felt anxious and afraid that my best wasn't enough. During this period of inner work (a lot of collapsing - Demartini talk) a shift occurred, most importantly I have come to understand that many shifts will occur. As long as my best is filled with love and gratitude for this beautiful soul disguised as a little girl and for myself, it will always be enough.

Living My Element With Sylwia - Day 18-20

My body talks to me.  Who knew?  I never really grasped the reality of it until Sylwia called me this weekend to check up on my health and pointed it out to me.  It's pretty remarkable.  I can't feel 2/3 of my body, yet, I feel connected to it in every way and it is wise enough to subtly let me know everything I'm doing right or wrong by it.

I spent the whole weekend - whole entire weekend - resting in bed.  I started my antibiotics to fight off this yucky pneumonia, and I am feeling the results.  Yay!  Amazingly, I feel that catching the pneumonia was meant to be.  It's hard to imagine someone would be grateful for catching a disease, but I am.  It allowed me to rest (even though in the beginning was very much against my will) and realize that I was living my life all wrong again.  Living for priorities and values that weren't mine.  I have had time to reflect on what is important for me, and re-prioritize everything that needed work.  I thought first of my health and my daughter.

As this transformation happened, other things started falling into place and re-assuring me that I'm on the right track.  I call them mini-miracles.

My body is talking to me, and I am all ears.  I am aware of the communication that's been bridged between us and I'm so grateful for it.  I'm honored to have such a wise body.

Sylwia suggested I work on a couple of affirmations for the next couple of weeks.  Nothing else.  Lots is going on and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed.  I made a stance that from now on, everything I do will be a labor of love, not just labor.  I want the feeling of "I'm so excited to be doing this" not the "I have to do this".  I thought of two affirmations that will repeat in my mind and heart to help me get healthier and advance to a new level of body/mind/soul consciousness:

* I lovingly treat my body as my blessed vessel.  I take care of it and it responds back by giving me abundant health.


* I use the unconditional power of love to heal and care for my body as it asks me to. 

For now, that's it.  I have to go.  My body is talking to me.  ;)

Living Extraordinarily with Vanessa Talbot

Almost one year ago, I went on a cruise that has changed my life for ever.  I went on a cruise in hopes of getting a publishing contract with Hay House.  I didn't get the contract, instead, I got to know amazing people, with incredible stories and inspiring messages.  One of these people is Vanessa Talbot.  After the cruise, I worked with Vanessa for 6 weeks as she launched a new business, coaching for writers - Writers Success Creation. 

Vanessa helped me break the walls of fear as I looked within to find my strength to keep on writing and digging into the depths of my soul to find the authenticity of the message I wanted to convey.  Those 6 weeks were synchronized with moments and people that are still shaping my life today.  I don't think everything else that happened after starting my work with Vanessa would have happened had I not been brave enough to tell her I wanted to participate in her free trial.  I had never been coached before, I thought it was like therapy, so I was apprehensive at first.  What happened was something much bigger than I can describe.

I honor Vanessa in this blog, because she taught me to live extraordinarily.  As she coached me one night per week (morning for her, since she lives in Western Australia), she challenged me to raise the bar higher for myself and get out of my comfort zone.  She, unknowingly, unleashed an inquisitive part of me that I had buried deep with other "not so great" memories.  It was scary.  I remember writing the chapter in my book where I move from the ICU to in-patient rehab in the hospital and I sobbed for a week straight non-stop.  It was a painful, process to clear up the "locked down closet" (as my cousin put it), in order to get to my inquisitive, genuine nature.

It still is a process today.  Honoring my authentic nature and being completely candid about it are things that I am still learning to do everyday.  As my dear soul-sister, kindred soul and one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met says "Dare to live in total vulnerability."  I'm learning to be vulnerable.  Breaking down the walls is hard work.  Exposing your heart and soul is gut wrenching.  I feared once, when I first got hurt, that I would never be loved because of my injury.  That was frightening.  Today, I see that more frightening than that is the fear of not being loved for who I truly am - my true essence.  Looks fade, outer beauty can be fixed.. who you are inside makes what you are on the outside.  Yet, everyday, the more open and honest I am, I am more comfortable with myself, my life and the world.  Of course, I am not perfect.  I am not trying to be perfect, either.  What I strive for is to be the best that I can be.

Vanessa writes on her website every day (www.extraordinarybeings.com) ways to live extraordinarily with the simple things we are given.  She teaches me everyday that dreams do come true, and she has been not a motivator, but a true inspiration to me.  I will always be grateful for meeting her, having worked with her and have her support when I need help.  She not only lives extraordinarily one day at a time, but she is an extra-ordinary soul.

Thank you, Vanessa.

I Don't Believe In Fairy Tales

I was going to start this blog by giving the definition of love from the dictionary.  As I read through a couple of them, I cringed.  This might come off a bit cynical, however, there is a reason why I disagree with the way we, society as a whole, have learned to portray love or perceive it.  The best definition I came across is "Love is light."  Happily ever after, no I don't think so.  Why are we so concerned with the ever after, instead of now?  More importantly, do we really believe we can maintain a state of "happiness" for ever?  Happiness, to me, does not mean love.  Happiness is an emotion.  Love encompasses all emotions.  It accepts all.

We, elusively, seek after these beliefs without paying attention to what is happening right NOW.  I write a lot about being present, here, now.  If we stop and think for a minute, there is no future.  Time is a concept that is perceived by our little brains to give sense to a chronology of events.  Future events don't exist, the past is part true/part imagination, all we have is the now.  Why not invest our energy and learn to be present every second.  No matter what you're going through, really, no matter what it is, (and those of you who know me and know a bit about me, understand that I have earned some type of right to say this) you're okay.  Nothing lasts FOR EVER, even happiness.

I'm not saying that you can't be happy.  What I'm saying is that we can be EVERYTHING, at different points in our lives.  The real secret is HONORING OUR TRUTH at every single moment, better yet, at every single fraction of a moment, deep in the core of our human bodies.. We are light.  I don't even say this in a theological or philosophical sense.  I mean it in its physical sense.  Our atoms contain light at the center of their positive and negative sub-particles.  Now.. getting a bit philosophical and theological, light is the source of all energy.  Without sun light there would be no life on Earth.  Some people, actually, have mood swings based on how sunny it is outside.  Honoring our truths takes a lot of courage and hard work.  Who wants to appear all vulnerable to the world?  Literally wear your "heart" on your sleeve?  It's a hard concept to understand, until you begin to do it wholeheartedly.  Until I started to honor who I was at every moment, pay attention to every sign I received from my subconscious, and trust my intuition, I was doing myself a disservice.

The reason I wrote about not believing in fairy tales is because I believe that unless having a "fairy tale" type of life feels true to you, then we don't need it to attain the state of happiness/love we so much seek after.  We are already there.  All the time.  Even fairy tale characters have their ups and downs, just ask Shrek and Fiona.  When one person finds another person who allows them to be who they are, while maintaining truth to their essence, then, I believe there's a balanced relationship.  Where two people can agree to disagree, grow from one another and let each other soar.  That is my idea of a real life "fairy tale."


"Love is a synthesis in space and a synchronicity in time of complimentary opposite emotions" - Dr. John Demartini

What If?

"What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening

as words come. But put

them together side-by-side and they

have the power to haunt you for the

rest of your life: ‘What if'..."

(Quote from the movie Letters to Juliet)

What if?  As I posted on an earlier blog, I have lost the art of multi-tasking (that's if you can call it an art, I think of it as a learned behavior that distracts us from our true life).  Even though, I don't consider myself a good multi-tasker any longer, I still live in a multi-tasking world.  I'm surrounded by distractions, duties and habits that... well, still require me to multi-task within my limits. 
 
I have noticed, however, that something inside of me has changed.  I hear my voice inside screaming for a change.  I don't know what it is.  I have thought of many things that could possibly be affecting my energy level to a point where my sweet whispering voice is now loudly demanding I make a change... At the same time, so many things are happening (all great) to me, for me.  My job, now, is to wait.  Even though, I don't see things actually happening, I know there's some force behind the proverbial curtain setting the wheels into motion.  I sit here in the present moment and I'm delighted about all the endless possibilities and the great things that can happen, at the same time aware that they are not yet happening... And, I suddenly think.. What if?  What if they don't happen?  What if I'm not capable to go through with all that will be handed to me?  What if I'm a failure?
 
I was in denial of this nagging fear for a long time, but I think that recognizing it and putting it in writing is one step towards that change my soul is begging me for.  It is my initiation test for vulnerability.  I need to admit that I will be nervous to mess things up.  I believe that everyone has an important role in life.  As mediocre as it may seem to them.  We are all important.  This belief is what carries me through and connects me back to my soul-self.  There is a reason I came back from the dead five times... In other words, this is my sixth chance at life.. I must be here for something.  As presumptuous as that sounds, I don't think my purpose is to be of fame or fortune, but only of service.  I just want to serve humanity and our beautiful planet.  My truest pleasure lies in the solitude of the afternoons when I can watch the sunsets from my living room, when I finish a book that enriches my soul so much I spend a whole afternoon writing about the lessons I gained from it, or when someone tells me I've touched their lives in some way just by being alive. 
 
When, I think of all the great things that can be accomplished and all the lives that can be touched if I tried a little harder, I think, then, what if?  What if I don't follow the true path my heart is dictating for me?  What if I'm too afraid to fulfill my own purpose?  What if I waste my life?  I've realized those are questions that I rather not know the answers to.  As the above quote states "what" and "if" are two words non-threatening as words come... Oh, but the power they have when put together. 

Being & Doing

I admit that I have lost the practice of multi-tasking.  For thirty years, my life was a big juggle.  Within that big juggle, there were other mini-juggles.  Every situation I found myself in involved an enormous amount of multi-tasking, that, with time, became natural... Robotically natural.  Do, do, do... I was always doing something to accomplish something, to be somewhere, to impress/avoid someone... I was always busy doing, because I was afraid of just being.

Fortunately, I see that now.  As events unfolded in my life and allowed me to have loooong periods of self-reflection, I, reluctantly, admitted that I had ceased to be, I had become a do-er.  I truly felt that the Earth would not make its way around the Sun if I weren't doing something in my own life (how presumptuous!). 

Yesterday, I had one of the biggest realizations of my life.. I've let go.  I struggled at first.. Letting go is not easy.  Not-knowing is not easy.  The great paradox of it all is that the more I have surrendered to the unknowing-ness and allowed myself to "let go and let God", things LITERALLY have been handed to me or been placed on my lap effortlessly. 

One thing is to read about the theory of letting go and trust that it will all fall into place, and another is the act of giving your trust wholeheartedly to the Universe and be certain that the road never traveled is the only road to travel... I haven't multi-tasked in, well, a long time... The great thing is I don't miss it.  I enjoy my momentous focus.. One breath at a time.. I follow my intuition to what feels right and act upon that calling.. I'm no longer an unfocused, multi-tasking do-er.  I know with certainty that just by being, things will get worked out.. The Earth will not stop its solar rotation (Pheew!).

The discernment between being and doing is the key... There's a time to be and a time to do... Although, I strive to get to a point where just being is enough doing.

Here & Now

When I was younger, I remember going to Rite Aid on the corner of Meridian Ave & Lincoln Rd. on Miami Beach, and standing inside reading every magazine on the magazine stand, but purchasing none.  I would read all the teeny-bopper ones, specially the horoscope section, hoping to read what my future had in store for me.  When I didn't like what a horoscope would say, I would close the magazine and look for another, until I found what I wanted to "hear". 

I have always been a very impatient and anxious person.  I used to always ponder every action and lose sleep over the infinite what-ifs that invaded my head at night, if I made one decision over another.  It drove me nuts.  As the years passed, I discovered the self-help isle in book stores, and then, instead of standing inside Rite Aid, I would spend countless afternoons inside Barnes & Nobles (to name one) and skim through dozens of books per afternoon spent there.  I wanted answers.  I wanted them handed to me, a guided map with an exact path to follow.

It wasn't until close to a year ago that I discovered the art of living in the NOW.  I had had moments in life where I had the pleasure of experiencing it, but never knew how to hold on to it.  Now, I know the joy of living in it.  I must say that I still have slip-ups once in a while when I wonder an occasional what-if, but with much less frequency than before.  I'm learning to let go.  Let go of the ghosts of the pasts and let go of the burdens of the future.  It is what it is.  What I'm practicing every day is the joy of acting in the here and the now.  Nothing else is important. 

It doesn't matter what will happen with whatever decision I make, the important thing is that I make a decision NOW.  Even if the decision is to not make a decision.  It's an awareness that I know, no matter what I choose will lead me to the correct path with its correct circumstance.  It's empowering to feel that you're responsible for your actions and also embrace that responsibility as a duty to yourself and others around you.  When you act HERE & NOW, you allow others to see that fear is not playing a part in your decision process, you're acting out of love and respect for yourself and the flow of your own life. 

May the Universe bless infinite wisdom on all of you to always act HERE & NOW as well.

Solitude vs. Multitude

A friend of mine (I"ll keep her nameless, she doesn't like much attention) always calls me a part-time loner.  She has been saying that for the 19 years I've known her.  I often found it amusing that she paid that much attention to my behavior to qualify me as a "part-time" loner; and I also found it cute.  I usually described myself as a people person (even though I'm not into crowded small places at all!!!), but I love to meet people and hear their stories, perhaps, because at heart, I'm a story-teller myself.  Lately, though, I've come to the conclusion that my friend's been right all along.  I am a "part-time" loner. 

Prior to getting hurt, my life was my business.  I'd get up and go whenever and wherever I pleased, needless to say with whomever as well.  The first couple of years post-injury, I never had a moment to myself.  Oh, how frustrating that used to be.  At the same time, I wouldn't have made it through those years on my own.  So, everything worked out fine.  I needed them physically, they needed to feel needed and we accomplished what had to be done. 

Now, 4 1/2 years later, I'm completely independent.  I still live with my mom, but only because it's convenient, it's a huge house for either one of us to live alone in it and even though we have our disagreements here and there, we enjoy each other's company a lot.  BUT.....Whenever I find myself home alone, it's absolute pure joy.  I so rejoice my solitude.  Being a bit of the left-brained person that I am, I question (all the time) if that's healthy - loving to be alone so much, just me and my thoughts. 

One of my favorite people that ever lived, Albert Einstein, once said:  “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” Reading that makes me wonder, have I reached my years of maturity?  Or am I still painfully too immature to understand why it's so important?  I'm sure there's no right or wrong answer to either question, because sometimes, I feel both.  I love being alone, with my writing, my books, my thoughts, sometimes just staring at my walls, but I also fear to end up alone. 

I enjoy my moments of solitude when I can organize the craziness that is in my head sometimes, but I do feel that deep inside, everybody needs somebody.  So, I decided that I will no longer shout out loud "I love being alone." Sometimes, we have to be careful what we wish for.  I appreciate the moments I get to be alone, but I also welcome companionship in my life.  I know that life would be so much easier being lived hermit-like, and I secretly always hoped to buy a sail boat and sail away in my later years, alone.  I stopped hoping that, because, I know life can't be planned, you can have goals, but it's not up to you how you get there... It's a very hard lesson to learn.  No one wants to give up control of how their lives will turn out or the likes.  Most importantly, everything we learn in life are from the relationships we form.  We learn from each other because of our interconnectedness.  There is a need for people in our lives as well as time alone. It all really is a matter of balance.

Lastly, I wanted to say that I have experienced both spectrums in my life and I like what I mentioned before - the balance between both.  I'm grateful that I have the option again to be alone when I feel like it, and other times surrounded by great souls.  Even when one or the other happens and it is not in tune with how I'm feeling, I know it's because there is a reason for it, so instead of wishing for the other, I take advantage of the moment.  I guess being a "part-time" loner is not a bad thing after all, it's just a part of me.

Empathy

I am reading the book One Soul, Many Bodies by Dr. Brian Weiss, MD, and I am at the chapter where it talks about learning empathy. 

I know that it is hard for the majority of the people that I know personally to empathize with my life, what I go through daily, and how much of an effort it takes to accomplish the simplest tasks.  With that being said, however, I know that many of these people wonder relentlessly what it is like, and for me that is enough.  I learned recently that when I need to vent about something relating to my injury, I need to vent to someone who is in a similar situation, because, they not only empathize but understand it so much easier than my able-body friends. 

After going through the ordeals of this past December (you can read my blog It's Been a Long December to update yourself), I realized that my life is perfect.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Although, I do have feelings of breaking free from the pack and going on my merry way to explore the world, I know the time has not arrived yet.  And, these feelings are more than feelings, it's my soul reminding me of what I ought to do.  On another recent blog, I wrote that I attended a workshop given by Dr. Brian Weiss, and there I purchased three of his meditation/regression CDs.  I use them frequently.  So far, I have regressed to five past lives. 

From each life, I gain a new perspective on this one.  The first regression I had was the last life prior to this one.  It was uplifting, fulfilling and powerful.  I learned a lot in that life.  It prepared me for all the tribulations I was/am going to endure in this one.  Every time I regress, my subconscious feels more present, a feeling I really do not have the proper intellect to explain, but I feel more aware and in tune.  Whenever, my heart cries for answers ( and I mean that literally), I regress myself after a brief meditation.  I'm constantly trying to find answers. 

For those who know me well know that my relationship with my family has changed a lot since my accident.  I would love to say it has been a 180 degree change, but it's close.  I feel the bond has gotten stronger, and I have learned unconditional love from my mom, and how strong she really is... Now, I know where I get it from ;).   Sometimes, however, there are instances of disagreements, some left over resentment and fear from all sides.  I have come to realize that maybe, these feelings do not root from this particular lifetime, and this morning, while regressing, I was shown the answer I looked for. 

My mom and brother are the most important people in the world to me.  At the same time, I know in my heart that we all get along better when we are apart.  I want them close to me, but our energies still don't connect 100%.  We are still not in full harmony.  As much as I wished they were, I feel like we all need to learn so much more.  Empathizing with one another is one of those lessons.

Friday night, I took my brother to a concert - Sting.  It was a birthday gift to him.  On the way back, we got into a brief discussion.  The tension in the air was palpable.  I felt sad and hurt.  For the first time in my life, I feel free inside, my heart is open to new experiences and adventures.  I'm slowly, but surely finding out who I am, but I don't think the ones closest to me feel that way.  Perhaps, it's my fault, because I don't express myself correctly to them.  I can't lie, but I resented him for a bit.  It took all of my strength to not cry, because I knew that that was going to end the talk, and I wanted him to open up.  What started out as a great night, ended with me feeling sad and alone. 

I spent Saturday trying to think of ways to understand my brother's point of view.  Until my regression/meditation today I couldn't find an answer.  I know there's a place inside of him where he also guards with thick walls and do not allow vulnerability to show.  I know I'm a confrontational- (after being a very passive-aggressive person, for a long time) -lay it all out on the table type of person, because I feel I need closure in everything, in order to move on.  Maybe, I'm too upfront for my family, too abrupt and I KNOW I'm misunderstood most of the time.  That used to bother me a lot before, now it only bothers when my mom and brother don't get me. 

I understand where they come from.  All I can do is try to empathize with how they feel when they approach me.  I believe that the progression I made with my mom is immense.  Both of us have transcended many karmic lessons and we are in a place where communication is easier and more harmonious.  With my brother, well, I don't really know.  I feel like I'm open but that only shies him away.  He's not one that likes to express his feelings, so it's hard for me to know exactly what the core of the matter is.  One thing I know for certain, and it was confirmed even more today, I love him more than he will ever understand.  I do love him, and want the best for him.  I don't judge him, even when I don't agree with some of the decisions he makes.  I'm not one to cast any stones, much less the first. 

I don't think he reads my blogs, perhaps, one day he'll read this one.  So this is for him:

Leco,

I'm sorry for missing out on 7 years of your life when you were in California.  I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't care.  I was young and going through my own things in that "wonderful" marriage of mine.  I think we both "ran" away from home because we knew we needed to survive.  Times are different, though.  We are older, more experienced and we can't hold on to the past for ever.  We all make mistakes.  I needed you during those 7 years as much as you needed us.  I also had no one, even though I still lived in Miami.  I am the way I am, because sometimes offense is the best defense.  It's purely a defense mechanism.  I am learning to change, like I expressed to you.  I hope that deep in your soul, you KNOW that I love you and would give up my life for you.  I will always be behind you, no matter what you choose.  The only thing I ask in return is forgiveness and acceptance.  We are not all born equal with the same knowledge.  You might have an older, wiser soul, so be patient with my young one.  Teach me to be a better person, and I will do the same for you with no prejudice.  This is truly from my heart to yours. 

Love,

Mile

BE VULNERABLE

While I was on my wonderful, spiritually ground-breaking cruise and I had my 3 day of walking through the valley of the shadow of death, this message popped in my head:  BE VULNERABLE. 

A little history on my ability of feeling vulnerable, acting vulnerable or being vulnerable:  it's non-existent. 

I learned early on that I needed to suck things up and get through stuff.  Emotions were non-practical and they got in the way.  As I got older, I never realized how much this attitude set me back.  I hardly ever cried in front of people, and I was always the one EVERYONE came to with their problems, but I never felt I had anyone I could go to with my deepest, innermost feelings.  Although, I am sure, there was a multitude of people ready and willing to help me or hear me out whenever I needed.  The problem was that I just never knew how to act vulnerable. 

Vulnerability was a feeling that terrified me.  It made me feel weak, not in control and foolish.  How foolish do I feel now....

In hindsight, I see that every experience I had until four years ago hindered me from growing emotionally, spiritually and feeling free.  The past four years have been challenging, only because, I never allowed the outside world see my vulnerability while I felt it. 

Receiving that message was so freeing, and so wonderfully ground-breaking, because, I understand the power of feeling vulnerable.  It allows you to grow, to explore yourself in depths you never otherwise would, and most of all it allows others to come into your world and pour a bit of themselves into your life.  It's remarkably different how my views have changed. 

I still have my moments, but just remembering the message I received... I feel recharged and infinitely blessed.  

My name is Camile, and sometimes, I feel very vulnerable.