It seems like re-creating myself is the theme for the day/week/month, so, I figured it was time to retire the previous about me section on Facebook and update it with a more present version of it. To honor the previous one, I decided to post a blog about it. I feel that throughout the course of my writing career, I will be re-defined many times by myself and others around me. Why not honor the previous self every time you climb up the ladder of self-evolution?
About me.... Well, I'm one who is good with words. Perhaps the opinion I have of myself may not be the same opinion others have of me. Frankly, I don't really care. I used to, for a long time in my life. Not any longer. I'm extremely transparent. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I am a big believer in self expression. I care about the world. I hope that my own children will get to see its immeasurable beauty. I am blessed because of my family and friends. I'll do anything for them. I would sell my soul without any proof of purchase so that everyone I love could live happily ever after. I am wise beyond my years, but I know I have a lot more to learn. I aspire to change the world, if not, I hope to inspire at least someone along the way. I like green mangoes with salt, sitting by the water, and sunsets. I love going to sleep to the sound of rain. I like being the last person someone thinks about and I want to smile again at the thought of someone. Slowly but surely, I've started to become whom I always wanted to be. I believe some of the greatest minds in the world have been and are still underrated. I root for the underdog. I learned that forgiveness is the hardest but the most rewarding lesson. I am more beautiful than anyone, including myself, will ever know. I try to make sense of everything, but somethings are just senseless. Despite the lemons life has thrown at me, I think I've made a pretty good lemonade. I don't take anything for granted, and I wouldn't change anything, otherwise I wouldn't be who I am today.
The new updated version will come soon. This one will continue on its place until I have put all the pieces of the about me puzzle together.
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
the roller coaster inside of me
i've been going through a roller coaster of emotions lately. ups. downs. turns. it's safe to say that i'm getting a little motion sickness from the ride. there's a time in everyone's life when we move out of our comfort zone and live in the unknown. scary stuff. i've read a lot, gone to some powerful seminars and discovered through my own experiences that in that "unknowingness" is where you define yourself again. nonetheless, it's a little scary. lack of faith? no. every one is different, and i do have a big type-a personality (although, at times i like to say i'm very easy going), that fine line between comfort and discomfort is where i see my true-self. when i balance myself in that center, a whole new camile is born.
yesterday, i almost fell off the high cable. while, balancing myself on that fine line, living on the unknowingness for a while, i held on to my self-righteousness. i didn't know how lop sided self-righteousness can make someone. i lost my balance for a while. to gain it back, i over-indulged in self-wrongeousness. again, lop sided. for 24 hours i've been going back and forth between these two personas. until now. while on the self-righteousness mode, i didn't realize i was hurting some very important people, and how i had hurt them in the past with the same attitude. as i became aware of that, i hurt for them. my heart broke. i broke apart. the self-wrongeousness persona, then, took over. i cried for a long time. yesterday. today.
with no more tears to spare, i feel centered again. i don't know how long this centered-persona will last. but, while going through the yo-yo of these charged emotions, i discovered more things about myself. things that i had been suppressing lately for fear of being judged and disliked. i thought about that fear of being judged and disliked and asked myself, "who am i so afraid of ?" the answer came as aloud as a thunder. "ME."
this is what i discovered:
- i speak my mind
- i need alone time (a lot)
- i am a control freak
- i don't trust easily
- i disguise fear with assertiveness
- i cry when i feel helpless
- i cry when i repent
- i don't like to be called strong
- i wish i could show more vulnerability
- i don't like knowing that i hurt people when that wasn't my intention
- i don't like hearing from those people that they were hurt by something i said
- i'm mortified of messing up my daughter's upbringing
- i'm mortified of losing her
- i rather sit home and write than have social time with friends (lately)
- i need balance in my life
- sometimes, i need a bit of me time, away from my daughter
- i don't want to be the world's problem solver
- i've denied myself some of my guilty pleasures, and need them back desperately
these are some of the things i discovered in this 24 hour period. the process has been going on much longer. there's lots more in there waiting for the right time to pop out and make sense to me. maybe, i'm not a perfect mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter. and i finally accept that i don't want to be perfect. i'm tired of putting that pressure upon myself. i want to live a life in which at the end i have no regrets. that's all. there's a certain order to all this chaos that's going on inside me. i feel it. i hear it. i don't know what else i'll find out. i know that there are infinite traits that define the being that i am. the only thing i am concerned about doing right now is being authentic to the person that i'm unfolding to be at this moment.
the process is brutal. the not-knowing terrifies me. but, deep in my heart, really deep in there, i'm grateful to be going through it. i'm growing.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Writing With a Purpose
Some months ago, I was invited to take part of an incredible adventure. I was invited, along with 9 or 10 other authors, to participate in a book that is being put together by the Great Vanessa Talbot (founder of Extraordinary Beings). I was elated to be part of such a special project and honored that she thought my message was important enough to share in the book she's putting together for all of us.
Time has come for me to get down and write my 6,000 words for the book. I'm excited, scared, inspired, overwhelmed, connected but most of all committed. I have been trying to write my memoir for the past year now, finish it, I should say.. and I feel.. stuck. Well, to cut me some slack, I did become a mother, and that tends to take 99% of your time. The other 1%, you're just trying to do your basic necessities - at least for the 1st year, this is how I've been feeling. When the baby first arrived, I could not sever the proverbial umbilical cord, and worried if I was going to be one of those moms who are over-protective and a bit of a nuisance to their children. I am relieved to find out that I'm not like that. I, absolutely, adore my child. She is the great love of my life. In the same token, I know I need "Camile" time. I miss writing, exercising, doing my nails, seeing friends, meditating, reading, etc.. And, I know in my heart that by engaging in these activities again will not diminish the bond I have with her. I feel that the opposite will happen. I will have more of me to devote to her.
Synchronously, all this is happening right at the time when Vanessa gave us the deadline for the 6,000 words.. June 29th, 2011. In 30 days! I love challenges. I love to work under pressure. I love to feel the sweat prickling down my neck as the clock hand hits the doomed hour. In the end, I always come through. I know myself. I listen now. I respect my soul's whispers. Writing this chapter for this book is more than just being published for me. It is about finishing something that I'm starting. It is about commitment and believing in my own message. It is about giving myself the self worth others give me when they read what I write.
It is time to sharpen the pencils, clear out my desk, light up my favorite incenses, breathe, connect and write. I'm happy for me. And, very grateful for the opportunity.
I'll keep you all updated on the book's release date.
Time has come for me to get down and write my 6,000 words for the book. I'm excited, scared, inspired, overwhelmed, connected but most of all committed. I have been trying to write my memoir for the past year now, finish it, I should say.. and I feel.. stuck. Well, to cut me some slack, I did become a mother, and that tends to take 99% of your time. The other 1%, you're just trying to do your basic necessities - at least for the 1st year, this is how I've been feeling. When the baby first arrived, I could not sever the proverbial umbilical cord, and worried if I was going to be one of those moms who are over-protective and a bit of a nuisance to their children. I am relieved to find out that I'm not like that. I, absolutely, adore my child. She is the great love of my life. In the same token, I know I need "Camile" time. I miss writing, exercising, doing my nails, seeing friends, meditating, reading, etc.. And, I know in my heart that by engaging in these activities again will not diminish the bond I have with her. I feel that the opposite will happen. I will have more of me to devote to her.
Synchronously, all this is happening right at the time when Vanessa gave us the deadline for the 6,000 words.. June 29th, 2011. In 30 days! I love challenges. I love to work under pressure. I love to feel the sweat prickling down my neck as the clock hand hits the doomed hour. In the end, I always come through. I know myself. I listen now. I respect my soul's whispers. Writing this chapter for this book is more than just being published for me. It is about finishing something that I'm starting. It is about commitment and believing in my own message. It is about giving myself the self worth others give me when they read what I write.
It is time to sharpen the pencils, clear out my desk, light up my favorite incenses, breathe, connect and write. I'm happy for me. And, very grateful for the opportunity.
I'll keep you all updated on the book's release date.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Solitude vs. Multitude
A friend of mine (I"ll keep her nameless, she doesn't like much attention) always calls me a part-time loner. She has been saying that for the 19 years I've known her. I often found it amusing that she paid that much attention to my behavior to qualify me as a "part-time" loner; and I also found it cute. I usually described myself as a people person (even though I'm not into crowded small places at all!!!), but I love to meet people and hear their stories, perhaps, because at heart, I'm a story-teller myself. Lately, though, I've come to the conclusion that my friend's been right all along. I am a "part-time" loner.
Prior to getting hurt, my life was my business. I'd get up and go whenever and wherever I pleased, needless to say with whomever as well. The first couple of years post-injury, I never had a moment to myself. Oh, how frustrating that used to be. At the same time, I wouldn't have made it through those years on my own. So, everything worked out fine. I needed them physically, they needed to feel needed and we accomplished what had to be done.
Now, 4 1/2 years later, I'm completely independent. I still live with my mom, but only because it's convenient, it's a huge house for either one of us to live alone in it and even though we have our disagreements here and there, we enjoy each other's company a lot. BUT.....Whenever I find myself home alone, it's absolute pure joy. I so rejoice my solitude. Being a bit of the left-brained person that I am, I question (all the time) if that's healthy - loving to be alone so much, just me and my thoughts.
One of my favorite people that ever lived, Albert Einstein, once said: “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” Reading that makes me wonder, have I reached my years of maturity? Or am I still painfully too immature to understand why it's so important? I'm sure there's no right or wrong answer to either question, because sometimes, I feel both. I love being alone, with my writing, my books, my thoughts, sometimes just staring at my walls, but I also fear to end up alone.
I enjoy my moments of solitude when I can organize the craziness that is in my head sometimes, but I do feel that deep inside, everybody needs somebody. So, I decided that I will no longer shout out loud "I love being alone." Sometimes, we have to be careful what we wish for. I appreciate the moments I get to be alone, but I also welcome companionship in my life. I know that life would be so much easier being lived hermit-like, and I secretly always hoped to buy a sail boat and sail away in my later years, alone. I stopped hoping that, because, I know life can't be planned, you can have goals, but it's not up to you how you get there... It's a very hard lesson to learn. No one wants to give up control of how their lives will turn out or the likes. Most importantly, everything we learn in life are from the relationships we form. We learn from each other because of our interconnectedness. There is a need for people in our lives as well as time alone. It all really is a matter of balance.
Lastly, I wanted to say that I have experienced both spectrums in my life and I like what I mentioned before - the balance between both. I'm grateful that I have the option again to be alone when I feel like it, and other times surrounded by great souls. Even when one or the other happens and it is not in tune with how I'm feeling, I know it's because there is a reason for it, so instead of wishing for the other, I take advantage of the moment. I guess being a "part-time" loner is not a bad thing after all, it's just a part of me.
Prior to getting hurt, my life was my business. I'd get up and go whenever and wherever I pleased, needless to say with whomever as well. The first couple of years post-injury, I never had a moment to myself. Oh, how frustrating that used to be. At the same time, I wouldn't have made it through those years on my own. So, everything worked out fine. I needed them physically, they needed to feel needed and we accomplished what had to be done.
Now, 4 1/2 years later, I'm completely independent. I still live with my mom, but only because it's convenient, it's a huge house for either one of us to live alone in it and even though we have our disagreements here and there, we enjoy each other's company a lot. BUT.....Whenever I find myself home alone, it's absolute pure joy. I so rejoice my solitude. Being a bit of the left-brained person that I am, I question (all the time) if that's healthy - loving to be alone so much, just me and my thoughts.
One of my favorite people that ever lived, Albert Einstein, once said: “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” Reading that makes me wonder, have I reached my years of maturity? Or am I still painfully too immature to understand why it's so important? I'm sure there's no right or wrong answer to either question, because sometimes, I feel both. I love being alone, with my writing, my books, my thoughts, sometimes just staring at my walls, but I also fear to end up alone.
I enjoy my moments of solitude when I can organize the craziness that is in my head sometimes, but I do feel that deep inside, everybody needs somebody. So, I decided that I will no longer shout out loud "I love being alone." Sometimes, we have to be careful what we wish for. I appreciate the moments I get to be alone, but I also welcome companionship in my life. I know that life would be so much easier being lived hermit-like, and I secretly always hoped to buy a sail boat and sail away in my later years, alone. I stopped hoping that, because, I know life can't be planned, you can have goals, but it's not up to you how you get there... It's a very hard lesson to learn. No one wants to give up control of how their lives will turn out or the likes. Most importantly, everything we learn in life are from the relationships we form. We learn from each other because of our interconnectedness. There is a need for people in our lives as well as time alone. It all really is a matter of balance.
Lastly, I wanted to say that I have experienced both spectrums in my life and I like what I mentioned before - the balance between both. I'm grateful that I have the option again to be alone when I feel like it, and other times surrounded by great souls. Even when one or the other happens and it is not in tune with how I'm feeling, I know it's because there is a reason for it, so instead of wishing for the other, I take advantage of the moment. I guess being a "part-time" loner is not a bad thing after all, it's just a part of me.
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