In Honor of All Gays and Lesbians in the Universe

I know I said I was taking a blogging break, but due to my very well reserved excitement of this time of the year, I have come down with a nasty bug. So, in the midst of prednisone, antibiotic, nebulizing treatments and bed rest... One thing left to do... Write.

Today, I found an incredible website truthdig. Well, it all began when I received Pat Tillman's eulogy in my email today, taken from his mother's book, and as I started to research more about Tillman's real cause of death, I stumbled upon truthdig. I've come across many essay/column/short story websites, but none like this one. I was enthralled immediately.

Two seconds into the site, I saw one of the most magical pictures I have seen in a very long time. The picture of the two lesbians kissing, as one of them (a service woman) returns home. I know the picture is kind of old news, but I hadn't seen it until today, and I found it absolutely magical.

I was literally overjoyed by it's simplicity, sincerity and display of genuine love. Of course... Those are my perceptions.

After gazing at the picture for a long time... I realized, I'm capable of loving a woman just as I am of loving a man. I have never considered a relationship with a woman before, but I think that I would not turn away from it...

As I write this on my mobile blogging app, doing my nebulizing treatment, my head is bombarded with fear, apprehension and self doubt to the same degree my heart is overwhelmed with a liberating feeling. Although this is not an official "coming out" statement... It's an admission that I feel love is love regardless of gender..

I commend that service lady for being a heroine in all senses... And all the gays and lesbians who constantly have to fight to prove to some of the world that they are perfect just as they are. Some even fight for the freedom we enjoy today.

Well, that's it for tonight.. Maybe for the year. GO GAYS!!

Happy holidays everyone! And, check out truthdig.com.

On My Yellow Brick Road...

I've found there is a very fine line between what you believe it is your duty, what you believe is your inspiration and what you believe is your true mission.  I guess it all started out when I graduated high school and was given the enormous responsibility of choosing a major in college.  This task was so huge for me, so overwhelming that I avoided it for as long as I could.  During my first two years, I stuck to the tried and true and followed my mathematically inclined left brained and received an A.A. in Accounting.  When I moved on to a state university, I changed my major to Economics, since I found Accounting to technical with not a lot of room for creativity.  Economics on the other hand was a total different language.  Its theoretical approach and three page-long problems defied my views of what I thought mathematics were and challenged me to go on to a new level of thinking.  Daily grind and preoccupations, however, stirred me away from finishing that degree and shortly after I joined the Police Academy.

Today, over a decade since I left the "college" world and didn't find a very convincing reason to go back – because every time I went back to finish my degree, I felt uninspired, learning something that I knew was of no relevance to the person I had become and questioned every second how whatever it was that I was learning would benefit me 10 years down the road, not only professionally but personally as well.  I sought after a type of education that was more encompassing of what life entailed.  I searched for a teacher who could talk to me in terms of life experiences, life lessons, life quests and gave me answers for questions that had mulled inside of me since my meager age of seven.

I have been incredibly blessed to have found this teacher, "university", and many students who were in the same path as me.  In search of something deeper, more meaningful, lessons that can be passed on to other people, and our children included.  Answers that satiate the hunger of our souls' knowledge and come from dependable sources with no second agendas. No egotistical intentions and no save-face type of teachings.

My true dilemma now with what I have learned is that I believed I was learning something that I could practice with others and help them as well.  As I have slowly and painfully discovered is that my sensitivity of working with others cause me to feel too vested in the outcome of the session.  I become too energetically connected with the client and lose my own "essence" during the process. Last week, as I worked with a couple of clients, I did great with some and not so great with others.  This is by no means the clients' fault, for I feel extremely grateful to them and to myself for having the courage to dive right into the work and discover what it was to work with people and see the transformation hands on.  It has been an incredible learning experience.  I have an utter respect for the work I was taught and believe it deserves to be delivered to the clients by people who resonate working one on one with others.  I, for now, still do not feel at that level.  That I felt was my duty.

My inspiration lies in writing and raising my daughter.  And it's heavily intertwined with my mission in life. Working one on one with a few people deepened the awareness inside of me that writing is undoubtedly my bread and water, just as much as Anastasia's voice in the morning and her beautiful laughter. Writing lifts my soul from the darkest of depths.  It relieves my my heart from self-imposed obligations.  Writing renews my energy, revitalizes my body and refreshes my mind. Anastasia on the other hand is the oxygen to my lungs and the inspiration for me to keep living the life of my dreams so that she can mirror herself in my own actions.  The days I don't feel like getting up from bed, I remember her and she gives me the jump-start I need to get up, and get myself together and organize my vision for the future.  More and more that vision has become clearer and the paths have opened up.  It's an unmistakable entanglement what these two things inspire me to accomplish within my own life and in turn in the life of the thousands who are touched by what I write and share.

Finally, throughout this self discovery path of mine, I have discovered that my mission is nothing else but to serve others while I'm here.  Serve them the best way I know how.  Telling stories.  I believe my yellow big road has just began.  I certainly feel like Dorothy as she carried Toto in her little basket, not yet knowing she would meet the Scarecrow, The Tin Man, The Lion, and finally The Wizard.  I'm on my way.  And, as I meet the most inspiring, incredible people on my path, I have yet to figure out which one is the scarecrow, tin man, lion and the wizard.  Perhaps, many will play the role of one, or one will play the role of many. The mission is clear.  And, what is most enticing is the journey I have embarked on. What I had set out as an expected plan of action has revealed to me early on that that is not the way things are meant to go for me.  I'm thankful to have been as open minded about the change of course and ready for it.  Maybe deep inside, I knew all along what the turnout would be.  The journey continues however and where it will stop, it doesn't concern me.  I just focus on never stopping.

You Are There

Amidst all the confusion

I'm reluctant to move forward

and find out it is all an illusion

you are there

There are times I have to decide

enveloped in self doubt 

I realize there is no wrong or right

you are there

Rain or shine,

happy or sad,

dead or alive,

you are there

In a breath, a thought, an action,

a dream, a butterfly, a cloud,

a touch, a hug, my daughter's affection,

you are there

I am grateful for your lessons,

humbled by your presence,

touched by your love,

and hopeful for .... everything.

You are there.

1 1 1

This is my 111th blog... Powerful number for me.  1000 away from 1111 blogs.

In this collection of writings I have decided to start posting since January of 2010, I reveal bits and pieces of my heart and soul to all the people interested in reading.

From each post, I have grown a little bit.  I have changed a lot.  I continue to ponder at some of the messages that sometimes come as surprise to me as well.  I learn from myself, when I allow myself to write what wants to be written (paraphrasing Julia Cameron).

The more I write, the more readers I attract - lovely, for a writer.  The more I dive into the writing world head on, without looking back, the more I discover a side of myself that was completely kept in the dark for over 30 years.  I have always been a bit of everything, can't label myself being one thing or the other, but I am more aware of all that I am.  No suppression of emotions, desires, fears or conquers.

Sharing, here, now more than before, has taught me to be true to who I am.  Not to write just to write something, write because there's something trying to seep out from my fingertips onto the keyboard.  The stuff that doesn't make into this blog, seeps out through the tip of the pen or pencil I use in my personal journals.  Perhaps, in my lifetime, I have written 1111 blogs.  Not all that I want to share with the public yet, perhaps one day...

1 is an important number for me.  I am one of those mystic, magic believing people who think that 11:11 has a special and important meaning.  I see 11:11 all the time.  I saw it all the time before the 9/11 attacks and continue to see it almost every day.  Like I mentioned, I have not yet reached the 1111 mark here on postings, still 111 feels pretty remarkable as well!

Thank you for reading, and hope you keep reading 'till the 1111th blog mark and beyond... <3

Times, they are a changin'

Doesn't it always?

I don't know what it is.  It might be age.  It might be that I've become anti-social.  It might be temporary.  All I know is that it has been happening for a while now.  At first, I felt very confused.  I felt guilty.  Maybe it's motherhood.  I am now learning to accept it and welcome it.   There was a time when I'd jump at the opportunity of going out, having a drink and talking non-sense.  Now, it takes so much effort to do so.  I love and adore my dear friends.  Hold them dear in my heart, but hangin' out is not congruent to who I am at the moment.  Is that wrong?  I don't know.

I cringe at any social invitation, because I know that I will ponder my decision until the last minute.  Some, not so much.  Those that I decide, before hand, wholeheartedly, that I will undoubtedly attend end up being squished by some health issue or unexpected circumstance.  Is the Universe telling me something?  Even when I think I should be somewhere, doing something with someone, every atom of my body screams the opposite "Honor you".  It's daunting to think that I'm doomed to spend a lot of time alone right now, however the more I involve myself with the activities that bring me the uttermost joy, I feel okay with being exactly how I am.

I recognize.. I have changed.  A lot.  Maybe not changed at all, just more respectful and honoring of my own wishes.  My own wants and desires.  The desire to be in solitude.  Me, my daughter and my words. Sometimes, I allow others in my little bubble, but for now, it's nice this way.  I like to enjoy her, be inspired by her and transport all that I receive from the interaction to a piece of paper.  Whatever it is, motherhood has only enhanced it.  In hind sight, I remember having this talk with my Physical Therapist before Anastasia's arrival... "I'm not into the social scene anymore," "You're growing up," is what he said.  I am not hiding from the world now.  I love seeing the people I love, just not every weekend.  The urgency of having to be around someone, or to be talking about something, or just doin' nothing really constructive or creative has abandoned my being.

I like quiet.  I like the sound of my baby learning to mimic our words.  I like reading books.  I like meditating.  I like to go to coffee shops and indulge in my Julia Cameron's books (I feel as if I have her next to me, guiding me to become a better writer).  I like being with me.

As I recognize, acknowledge and honor the change in myself, I also understand that as times have changed I continue to be grateful for the people in my life.  They understand me, they get me and respect who I am.  They love me for me and validate every part of my soul.  This is a new cycle in my life, and my wish is that they understand it as well as accept it. <3

The Voice Within Goes Mobile

In this web-based, beyond-my-grandfather's-belief, technological world, I found a quirky iPhone app that allows me to post blogs on the go. This is exciting news for me, because I'm constantly bombarded with words, sentences, ideas, and voices... Yes, voices.

Sometimes, writing on the computer is a little impossible, especially now, when my little lady takes up a lot of my time and requires 99.9% of my attention. With this mobile app, I can write even as she sleeps in my arms. What a great little find.

Announcing my awesome find is my test blog from this app.

Cheers from this side of the phone! :)

Growing Up at 35

"What do you want to do when you grow up?"

That seems to be the question that haunts little children.  From the moment they are able to speak, understand and form complete sentences, they are asked, "What do you want to do when you grow up?"  Really, is there a more subtle way to tell your child, "Be careful with your answer, our love towards you depends solely on your response."  When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor, an FBI profiler, a film-maker, story teller, lawyer, judge, prosecutor, teacher, mommy, wife, rich, beautiful, model, professional athlete.. well.. you name it, I wanted to be it.  I couldn't tell you what I wanted to wear to school the next day, much less decide my future career at 5 or 6 years old.

I, strongly, believe that growing up in a family of over-achievers and being blessed with lots of brain power put a lot of expectations on me.  I didn't want to disappoint anyone, so I'd change my answer according to whom was asking.  I always had a niche to reading and writing stories.  "Writing won't make you any money," was what I kept on hearing when I dared tell anyone of my secret dream of being a writer.  So, I chose to keep it a secret, even from myself.

I, eagerly, wished that my family would tell me, "No matter what you do, you will always be loved."  There would have been no pressure to make money, to succeed, to pretend to be satisfied with what I did.  I would have been doing what I love to do from very early on.  I see, however, why things did not flow so easily as I grew up.  I needed to discover the passion myself through hardships.  I know my little stubborn soul and I know that the way things unfolded is the only way I'd give my "grown-up" career choice any value.

I, fervently, surrender myself now to the grow up world.  With no lingering doubt in my mind, I, now, know what I want to do when I grow up.  I want to be a writer and I want to inspire.  I want to be the best mom I can be and I want to allow my child to be what she wants to be at every moment in her life.  I want to allow her to explore and create her own life.  I will be, invisibly, beside her loving her unconditionally with whatever choice she makes, until she, herself, becomes a grown up.

I'm a grown up now.  

Audience Shout Out

Blogger has a really neat little icon on top of the writer's page that allows us to see all the traffic on our pages.  The part that I like the most is where it shows the different countries my blog has reached.  It's pretty amazing!

If the country is listed, that means someone (or many someones) has read what I wrote.  It's a grand feeling to know that my humble little blog is reaching people across our tiny globe.

I wanted to acknowledge all of the readers from these countries by listing the countries that have over time showed up in my audience list.  I don't know some of you personally, but it means the world to me that you are reading what I write, and sometimes coming back for more.  Thank you.

The Voice Within has reached the following countries:

• United States
• Canada
• Australia
• United Kingdom
• India
• South Africa (I was baffled by this one, because it is the first country in this continent to come up as an audience country.. whoever you are.. thanks a million ;))
• Peru
• Colombia
• Brazil
• Bahrain
• Israel 
• Philippines
• Nepal
• Turkey (this touches my heart because my paternal grandmother was 1/2 Turkish)
• Pakistan
• Netherlands
• Thailand
• Germany
• Russia
• Kenya
• Sri Lanka
• Greece
• New Zealand
• Mairitius
• Palestinian Territories
• Ukraine
• Malaysia
• South Korea
• Nigeria

These were listed in no particular order.  I'm grateful for all of you readers.  I wish I could thank you all personally.  It means so much to me.

Blessings from Florida, USA.

As Dr. Demartini says, "The Universe is my playground. The Earth is my home.  Each country is a room.  And, each city is a platform where I get to be me."

The Universe is my playground too.  The Earth is also my home.

Writing With a Purpose

Some months ago, I was invited to take part of an incredible adventure.  I was invited, along with 9 or 10 other authors, to participate in a book that is being put together by the Great Vanessa Talbot (founder of Extraordinary Beings).  I was elated to be part of such a special project and honored that she thought my message was important enough to share in the book she's putting together for all of us.

Time has come for me to get down and write my 6,000 words for the book.  I'm excited, scared, inspired, overwhelmed, connected but most of all committed.  I have been trying to write my memoir for the past year now, finish it, I should say.. and I feel.. stuck.  Well, to cut me some slack, I did become a mother, and that tends to take 99% of your time.  The other 1%, you're just trying to do your basic necessities - at least for the 1st year, this is how I've been feeling.  When the baby first arrived, I could not sever the proverbial umbilical cord, and worried if I was going to be one of those moms who are over-protective and a bit of a nuisance to their children.  I am relieved to find out that I'm not like that.  I, absolutely, adore my child.  She is the great love of my life.  In the same token, I know I need "Camile" time.  I miss writing, exercising, doing my nails, seeing friends, meditating, reading, etc.. And, I know in my heart that by engaging in these activities again will not diminish the bond I have with her.  I feel that the opposite will happen.  I will have more of me to devote to her.

Synchronously, all this is happening right at the time when Vanessa gave us the deadline for the 6,000 words.. June 29th, 2011.  In 30 days!  I love challenges.  I love to work under pressure.  I love to feel the sweat prickling down my neck as the clock hand hits the doomed hour.  In the end, I always come through.  I know myself.  I listen now.  I respect my soul's whispers.  Writing this chapter for this book is more than just being published for me.  It is about finishing something that I'm starting.  It is about commitment and believing in my own message.  It is about giving myself the self worth others give me when they read what I write.

It is time to sharpen the pencils, clear out my desk, light up my favorite incenses, breathe, connect and write.  I'm happy for me.  And, very grateful for the opportunity.

I'll keep you all updated on the book's release date.

Living Extraordinarily with Vanessa Talbot

Almost one year ago, I went on a cruise that has changed my life for ever.  I went on a cruise in hopes of getting a publishing contract with Hay House.  I didn't get the contract, instead, I got to know amazing people, with incredible stories and inspiring messages.  One of these people is Vanessa Talbot.  After the cruise, I worked with Vanessa for 6 weeks as she launched a new business, coaching for writers - Writers Success Creation. 

Vanessa helped me break the walls of fear as I looked within to find my strength to keep on writing and digging into the depths of my soul to find the authenticity of the message I wanted to convey.  Those 6 weeks were synchronized with moments and people that are still shaping my life today.  I don't think everything else that happened after starting my work with Vanessa would have happened had I not been brave enough to tell her I wanted to participate in her free trial.  I had never been coached before, I thought it was like therapy, so I was apprehensive at first.  What happened was something much bigger than I can describe.

I honor Vanessa in this blog, because she taught me to live extraordinarily.  As she coached me one night per week (morning for her, since she lives in Western Australia), she challenged me to raise the bar higher for myself and get out of my comfort zone.  She, unknowingly, unleashed an inquisitive part of me that I had buried deep with other "not so great" memories.  It was scary.  I remember writing the chapter in my book where I move from the ICU to in-patient rehab in the hospital and I sobbed for a week straight non-stop.  It was a painful, process to clear up the "locked down closet" (as my cousin put it), in order to get to my inquisitive, genuine nature.

It still is a process today.  Honoring my authentic nature and being completely candid about it are things that I am still learning to do everyday.  As my dear soul-sister, kindred soul and one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever met says "Dare to live in total vulnerability."  I'm learning to be vulnerable.  Breaking down the walls is hard work.  Exposing your heart and soul is gut wrenching.  I feared once, when I first got hurt, that I would never be loved because of my injury.  That was frightening.  Today, I see that more frightening than that is the fear of not being loved for who I truly am - my true essence.  Looks fade, outer beauty can be fixed.. who you are inside makes what you are on the outside.  Yet, everyday, the more open and honest I am, I am more comfortable with myself, my life and the world.  Of course, I am not perfect.  I am not trying to be perfect, either.  What I strive for is to be the best that I can be.

Vanessa writes on her website every day (www.extraordinarybeings.com) ways to live extraordinarily with the simple things we are given.  She teaches me everyday that dreams do come true, and she has been not a motivator, but a true inspiration to me.  I will always be grateful for meeting her, having worked with her and have her support when I need help.  She not only lives extraordinarily one day at a time, but she is an extra-ordinary soul.

Thank you, Vanessa.

My Office

I have just reorganized a little corner in my house where I am completely free to be me! Yay!  I have my own office.  I can write, brainstorm, doodle, waste time on facebook, organize paperwork, look at pictures, reminisce, read, inspire, get inspired, scrapbook, meditate, look out the window, gaze at the wall, day dream, stare at my book collection, think, most importantly I can do all of these things uninterruptedly. Oh, sweet bliss.  Living in a house with 2 kids, a husband, full time nanny, and mom can get a little hectic.  There's not much of "me" space or time.  I rebelled, demanded and got it.  I have my own corner.

It's cozy.  The walls are light beige.  It has a red futon, in case of visitors stopping by (it's also our guest room now), a window that faces the cul de sac outside of my house, a solid mahogany desk that is long and wide enough to accommodate my new awesome printer, my special Mac, my favorite books in front of me, some candles and plenty of writing room for my journals.  The theme is Zen-ish.  I already have plans to frame some inspirational pictures and the first magazine I was ever published in (which reminds me that I need to scan the article and post it on facebook for those who are interested in reading it.)

I have a home office where I can be creative or be nothing at all.  I love it.  All I have to do is wheel my butt into the double french doors close them and say, "It's Camile time now, please do not disturb!"

My Life In Six Words...

I'm here listening to The Movement Within on http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ and TMW CEO, April Claxton, is interviewing Larry Smith, co-founder of smithmag.net...

"SmithMag.net which is an online magazine that has turned into a complete online community. Each day at SMITH Magazine, members unleash a frenzy of self-expression in the form of Six-Word Memoirs. More than 300,000+ Six-Word Memoirs have come in to SMITH Mag (and its younger, amazing cousin, SMITH Teens http://www.smithteens.com//) since the project was launched. He is also one of the creators of the Six-Word Memoir book series that can be found at amazon.com and bookstores worldwide. Smith's six-word memoir? "Now I obsessively count the words."

Well, I am also, now, thinking of a way to describe my life in six words... Right now, I can come up with:

• GRATEFUL WOMAN WITH PURPOSE-FILLED LIFE.
• I AM HUNGRY, WHAT TO EAT?
• LOOKING FORWARD TO TWO WEEKS VACATION...
• LIFE IS BETTER DURING A SUNSET
• NEED TO GO BACK TO WORK
• NEVER GIVE UP, SOMEONE ALWAYS WORSE
• ALARM CLOCKS ARE NOT MY FAVORITE
• I MISS LUA, MY BEAUTIFUL DOG
• FAMILY AND FRIENDS RESIDE IN MY HEART
• DENTIST VISITS ARE GREAT WHEN PAINLESS

Ok.. so here are 10, I came up with in a couple of minutes.. I love this idea.. I think it also works great when I'm having some type of writer's block, because it forces my brain to work when it is thinking about doing something else..

• SIX WORD MEMOIRS CURE WRITER'S BLOCKS... ;-)

Of course, I can be more profound with these, but I'm listening to the radio show right now and just playing with words, but I truly love this concept - Great way to get me to stop procrastinating when I know it's time to write, write, write...

The Voice Within

When I first started blogging, back in 2007... I did it to relieve my soul of undesired feelings, surprising epiphanies, and peaceful treaties I had made with my destiny.  My first 20 or so blogs were posted on my old MySpace account, however, when I closed that account, the blogs disappeared with it (I've learned to back up all my work now.)

Although, I never stopped writing (I have many journals to prove it), I only started blogging again this January.  I named the blog "Walking In My Shoes".  I wanted it to be a personal account of some of the things I deal with daily - physical, emotional, mental & spiritual.  "Walking In My Shoes" fit well for a while.  It was a paradoxical name that fit the journey appropriately.

In June, after attending the writer's workshop, I opened up a fan page on Facebook to post inspiring thoughts that bombard me daily, and to help build a platform for my (hopefully) upcoming writing career.. I noticed that the name was something that was whispered to me.  I didn't have to think hard about it at all.  Everything that I post on that page is literally something my heart (soul) speaks to me about.. So, "The Voice Within" is THE perfect fit.

I realized, recently, that my blogs are no longer factual blogs.  They do have facts in them sometimes, but they have also become an outlet for my inner voice.  I write things that are no longer calculated and precisely chopped up to fit the audience.. I write to quiet the chatter inside of me.  I write to relieve it of its necessity to be heard (or read).  I write, because unless I read what I'm hearing inside, I tend to disregard it.. I write to bring me peace.

Today, I changed my blog name from "Walking In My Shoes" to "The Voice Within".  The voice needed to be properly honored and recognized.  From where I sit, it's a voice very worth listening to.  The more I write what I hear, the louder it speaks to me. 

Cheers to my new blog name!

Write Write Write

I never understood when experienced, published writers advise novice writers to write, write, write when they hit a road block - or a writer's block, I should say.  Well, if I'm having a mental block on what to write to complete that certain chapter, paragraph or even sentence, how am I going to write, write, write?  Lately, I was feeling desperate.  I couldn't find the inspiration to get me going and continue on with my writing.  At first, it didn't bother me as much.  I thought that because the first couple of chapters had drained me so much, I needed a break anyway, but somehow, I felt as if I left something incomplete.  There was a part of the story that needed to be finished with, so that I could move on.  I could not connect the dots or make the transition. 

I let a week go by, then two, then three, and it started affecting my health.  I became physically ill, with stomach ailments and also an indescribable anxiety.  What a horrible feeling! My mind would look for ways to connect my story to its next level, but it always went nowhere.  I began having trouble sleeping and lost interest in my daily activities.  I even thought that maybe moving out of Florida would fix my lack of inspiration. 

For about three weeks now, I've had the incredible chance to work with a success-coach and she's helped me re-focus and address my anxieties and fears.  Although, I feel great while talking to her, doing the homework afterwards is the hard part.  I don't have her 24 hours a day next to me reminding me of my own potential and helping me gear away the fear of failure and disappointment.  She gave me a tip last week, which I have used since while writing in my journal.  And, then, today, voila!

I realized that without the pressure of knowing I'm writing a memoir, and writing just for the love of writing and the feeling of expressing myself, the words flowed easier and I was unstoppable.  I was able to transition the story to the level I want it to be now, and once again, I feel on track.  It is true, the cure to writer's block is writing.  It's detaching yourself from it and letting it flow; allowing it to come naturally and uncensored.  I could write for days right now... If it wasn't because the story is so emotionally charged and a bit draining to relive, I wouldn't leave my computer until I was absolutely done. 

For now, at least, I know how to cure my future blocks.  Write with no responsibility to anyone else but me, and write from that place of love, I often go to, when I sit quietly thanking God for my life and my blessings.

Write, write, write is definetely the answer.

The Gifts Of A Chair...

Last week I submitted an essay to the website http://thisibelieve.org/ .  I received an email reply saying that it might take 6 months for the essay to be posted on the website, if it was approved.  Anyhow, being the impatient human being that I am, I wanted to share the essay before the 6 months were up with my loyal blog followers.  So, here it is:

THE GIFTS OF A CHAIR

I remember my first waking moments in that hospital bed that was my home for eight weeks. I had just woken up from my coma and realized I was paralyzed. I was confused, scared and fragile. It all seemed like a dream. In the beginning, I tried to talk several times, but to no avail. I was dependent on a ventilator to feed me air; otherwise, my lungs would not work. It was so much to take in that I remember focusing on one thing at a time. I do not know how much time I spent focusing on each thing, because, I had lost track of it. Time was something I had plenty of while lying in my hospital bed trying to figure out what had happened to my life.

The week after my 30th birthday, I hit the fichus tree that changed my life forever. I broke several bones, punctured my left lung, and sustained a spinal cord injury. Right away, I could not breathe nor feel my lower body. As the months progressed and I overcame each obstacle, my loved ones and I focused diligently on my spinal cord injury. I did not pay much attention to my weak lungs, or to the simple fact that I had been revived five times. I just wanted to walk. I thought that if I started walking again, everything else would magically get better as well.

Time went on and slowly I realized that walking would not make everything better. Things were already better.

I no longer needed a tracheotomy, much less a ventilator. I was alive and getting stronger by the minute. My loved ones constantly reminded me of their support and that no matter what I would always be me. I was unable to count my infinite blessings. In the beginning, my focus was on the walking, but now, my focus is on living. I learned that living a good life does not require a pair of working legs. Living a good life requires strength of character, courage and lots of faith. I also learned that living a good life requires lots of humility, compassion and most importantly, hope. Once I learned to accept myself, I learned who I really was.

I am very blessed and lucky to say that having a spinal cord injury has changed my life around. I loved walking and I am proud to say that I never took it for granted. I always thanked God for my legs when I used to run every day. Although, I cannot run now, I can do countless other things that I would not have otherwise tried if it were not for my injury. My wheelchair is my best friend, without it, I am lost – and stuck! My chair has taught me that I am more than just a body sitting in it, I am a being full of life, and I ought not to waste it. More than anything, being in a chair has been a gift.

A Love Affair Like No Other...

I discovered, recently, that I have a love affair with writing.  It actually dawned on me last week, while I was having a melt-down writing the second chapter of my memoir.  When I thought I couldn't write anymore, bombarded by painful memories of what I've been through.  I was ready to give up and say, "Screw this, it's too hard, and I can't do it." But, the exact opposite happened.  I kept on writing through my tears and my pain.  It was one of the hardest moments ever, but I felt accomplished and better for fighting through it.  I'd like to say that for the first time in my life I've found my one true passion, but I'd be lying.  I've always known what it is.  I've, however, always been scared to admit it.

Last week, I finally gave in.  I have fallen in deeply, madly, foolishly in love with writing.  The craft itself is incomparable to anything I've ever done.  I have always written journals.  I started writing in journals since the age of 7.  I always liked the way I felt after I wrote what was in my heart, and still do today.  The journals never judge me, never question me, they just patiently wait as I fill their pages with my innermost thoughts and feelings, about anything and everything.

I decided to make a commitment.  I, Camile, commitment-phobic, have committed myself to writing whole-heartedly.  I don't care where it takes me or what it brings me, I only care about writing.  Telling stories (and, obviously, having them read). Writing helps me through the tough times, guides me through the confusing ones, and helps me discover more and more each day who I am.  It organizes the chaos in my head and brings peace to my heart.  It's a love affair like no other.  When I write, it's me, the glare of the computer screen and the sounds of my fingers pounding away on the keyboard.  The  moment is so intense that I can almost compare it to sex.  When the phone rings, someone knocks on the door or even when my computer screen freezes, the climax is gone... It takes a couple of minutes to build it back up. 

Writing is my release.  It's my way to self-express and show the world who I truly am.  "At first I was afraid, I was petrified," said Gloria Gaynor once, and so was I.  I was afraid and petrified to succumb to my passion because that meant showing my vulnerability to the world... (and here we go back to the blog about being vulnerable).  Well, thanks to writing, I have saved thousands of dollars on therapy to discover that being vulnerable is the best part of life.  Besides being my biggest passion, writing has saved my life in more ways than I can describe.... It's a love affair like no other.




*****
Speaking of love affairs.... I think boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them! Gosh, I'm SO sick of games. I'm ready to meet a real man!

The End

HAY HOUSE WRITER'S WORKSHOP

Last week was incredible.  Pretty much, that's all it sums up to.  I had one of the most profound experiences of my life.  Besides going on my first cruise, which was pretty awesome, I attended a writing workshop, in attempts to win a publishing contract with Hay House Publishing Company. 

The experience was beyond my expectations.  I met people who not only touched my life in ways that I never knew were possible, but also discovered tons about myself. 

You see, all this time, I have been going crazy not knowing what to write in my book.  Well, let me back it up a bit... Since I got hurt four years ago, I knew I wanted to write a book about my story, but I just didn't think that the story itself was enough.  Millions of people go through tragedies everyday, so I needed to figure out why my story was important and what kind of difference it would make in people's lives. 

I feel so blessed and so full of gratitiude for the experience.  Although, I spent 3 out of 7 days crying my eyes out in bed, letting out anguish and frustration that built up from so many years of demanding so much of myself, I left the ship feeling someone completely new - actually renewed.  I'm even more humbled by my experience and grateful that once again, I've taken on the opportunity to grow a bit more and hopefully continue to have the courage to do what I ought to do.

Candy To My Soul

I read The Secret a while back, and look over it from time to time, especially when I realize I need a “reality check” reminder. I know… The Secret is not The Bible, the holiest of all books, but to be honest, although I respect The Bible, both testaments, I don’t understand it. After I read it, I feel even more confused. Therefore, a while back, I decided to read things that are easy to understand, uplifting and make me feel good for a long time after reading it. The list of things is almost infinite…. Anyway, The Secret teaches us to list all the things that make us happy (The Secret List) so whenever we feel down in the slumps, we can go back and read it and automatically be transported to the “happy” place inside all of us. I wrote my first list a long time ago, from time to time, I revise it. Sometimes I add stuff, other times I remove stuff, but most of the time I just read it and indulge in a little bit of soul-sweet-tooth time… This is my current list:

• Walks on the beach
• Sunsets
• The quiet before sunrises
• My mom’s love
• My brother’s sense of humor
• The love of my life
• My stepsister’s personality
• My cousin’s great heart
• My so awesome family
• Kids’ laughter
• Passion fruit sorbet
• Memories of my grandparents
• Memories of my dad
• My step-dad playing the guitar
• My godchildren
• Puppies
• Sound of waves crashing on the shore
• Snow filled mountains
• Adrenaline filled activities
• My friends
• Meditating
• Smell of burning incense
• Hugs
• Random acts of kindness
• Hot chocolate on a cold night
• Smores around a pit fire in my backyard with the people I love the most
• Star filled sky
• Flip-flops
• The possibility of one day being able to see the Earth from far away
• Mother Nature doing its thang
• Anything made from corn
• Diet soda from the fountain
• Green mangoes with salt
• Falling in love
• Being in love
• Saying I love you
• Hearing I love you back
• Yellow butterflies
• Swimming with dolphins
• Scuba diving
• Driving
• Being free

• Good movie

• Good book

• Happy endings

• Flying

• Blue skies

• Chilly weather

• Laughing

• Funny people

• Good hair days

• Seeing someone, I haven’t seen for a long time

• Turtles

• Boat rides

• Music

• The feeling that everything happens for a reason

• Smell of lavender

• Water lilies

• Daisies

• Sunflowers

• Birthdays

• The giggles at the wrong time

• Defying the odds

Re-writing these things already makes my heart all fuzzy and warm inside. I felt that sharing them would help everyone who reads this remember their own soul-candy, and hopefully feel all warm and fuzzy inside too.

Afterthought:

I have decided to write something every single day. No matter how silly it seems to me, I want to dedicate (or hope to) 30 days to writing something, sometimes even more than once a day if the idea persists in my head for more than 10 minutes. It’s a way for me to force myself to write and focus my thinking and thoughts. I feel it will be good practice for when I get serious about writing my book.