Time Flies

ANASTASIA IN A FOSTER HOME

it's only been nine months since you came into my life.  i never knew i could love so deeply, carelessly and wholeheartedly before i met you.  when i first saw your face, my heart experienced emotions i never knew existed.  a tiny little being, inside a baby carrier, with an air of indifference you looked at me, "who is this lady?" you must have thought, having been bounced around in foster homes before daddy, finally won the fight to get you.  the moment our eyes met, time froze.  it was only you and me at the arrivals area of fort lauderdale airport.  i ceased to pay attention to other passengers who hurriedly passed us by, clueless of how important, beautiful and spiritual that experience really was.  i was meeting my daughter, and you were meeting your mommy.  

FIRST DAY HOME

BABY SHOWER TO WELCOME TASI HOME

before meeting you, i wondered if i was capable of loving you.  i wondered if we would get along and get used to each other.  i wondered how i would answer your questions about your biological mom, how you came to be, and how you ended up with me.  i wondered how you would react while i told you the truth about everything.  as i saw you coming down the escalators with your father, my doubts dissipated.  no doubt i would love you unconditionally.  the indifference in your little baby eyes hid a longing for a steady, secure, loving home.  a place for YOU to call home.  a home where you would grow up with people who would be around for a long remainder of your life. when i saw you, i felt it.  i felt you relieved to have found me.  i was elated and extremely fortunate to have found you.  

HER CONTAGIOUS LAUGHTER

THIS FACE IS SO LOVABLE!

so many sleepless nights, worried days, countless smiles and grateful tears.  you have changed my life as you have changed these past 9 months.  you have grown and continue to grow into a beautiful little girl, and along with you, my life follows the same path.  it grows deeper, with more meaning and direction.  you inspire me with your determination to live and your strength. you inspire me to be the best ME i can be.  you inspire me to inspire you to be the best you that you can be.  somehow, however, i already know that i will love you for all that you will be, as i love you for all that you already are.  you are the star in my darkest nights and the sunshine in my brightest days.  no breath is taken without you in my mind, no move is made without you in my heart.  you are as much a part of me as the blood that flows through my veins.  

MOMMY'S LITTLE FLOWER 

UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED

i love you, my daughter; don't ever forget it.  you deserve your dreams, and make sure you always go after them.  i will teach you the best that i can from all that i have learned, and i hope you can learn a little from every one you come across along the way.  love with no fear, live with no boundaries and remain open to the infinite possibilities that the universe will offer you.. 

happy 1st birthday, baby girl.

DURING HER 1ST BDAY PARTY

ENJOYING HER PARTY GUESTS

MY HEART SITTING ON MY LAP

(it's a little late, but looking over some of the photos brought up these feelings again)

Monica's Gang

I started reading at 4 yeas old.  And, as far as I can remember, I read comics.  Brazilian comics.  Specially Monica's Gang by Mauricio de Sousa (A Turma Da Monica).  I head hundreds of their comics and couldn't wait to get my allowance to burn it on some more comics.  They were fun, catchy and took me away to a world of childhood utopia.

I just discovered that their creator, Mauricio de Sousa, has a website in English with all kinds of comic strips involving ALL his characters.  Awesomeness.  To access it just click http://www.monica.com.br/ingles/comics/nwelcome.htm.   My daughter is turning one in less than a week and it's no surprise that the theme of her party is Monica's Gang.  She's too young to pick her own theme and it is a group of cartoon characters that had a huge impact on my own growing up.  I kinda made the decision for her. 

I found out that even after many years of not reading one of the comic books, the little strips still make me giggle.  As if the child inside of me reunited with her old friends.. I'll share a couple here.. because, well, just because they are worth sharing.

These are the main characters:

Living My Element With Sylwia - Day 50

Two great things happened today.  The first one has nothing to do with my mindful eating commitment.. I fell deeper in love with my daughter.  The second one, however, is totally related to the topic.

I started this crusade to be 100% aware of everything I put inside my body, because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired; in addition, I have been having bouts of lethargy that make me feel like I'm super lazy.  So, combine all these great things with being immobile for most of the time... Not so happy about the results.  Today, I went in to get my quarterly Botox shots in my calf muscles and in my Quadradus Lombarum (to help w/ spasticity).  As he injected me, I told him I was interested in the Intrathecal Baclofen Pump.  It's a little complicated to describe, so if you are interested in knowing what it is, just google it.  The SCI crew who follows my blogs will understand what it is.

As he answered all my questions and concerns about the procedure, he hit on a MAJOR benefit.  "You will eliminate 2 of your oral medications, especially Clonazepam (which I also take for spasms).  Clonazepam makes you lethargic and gives you a cotton mouth feeling."  What music to my ears!  Having energy again.. I thought I was doomed to feel tired all the time and would never shake off the feeling that I'm always too exhausted to have any type of social life, do any type of exercise, get out of my required routine in general.  I will have a little pump inside my body with a catheter that leads into my spinal cord, but it will cut doctor's visits, oral medications, increase energy and decrease spasms.  It's a win-win all around for now.

Day 50 has been really good.  Complete awareness of how I am treating my body has been leading me to find solutions to problems I once thought I was stuck with for ever.  I'm a happy camper.  I'm thinking of a trial date in mid to late September.

I Don't Believe In Fairy Tales

I was going to start this blog by giving the definition of love from the dictionary.  As I read through a couple of them, I cringed.  This might come off a bit cynical, however, there is a reason why I disagree with the way we, society as a whole, have learned to portray love or perceive it.  The best definition I came across is "Love is light."  Happily ever after, no I don't think so.  Why are we so concerned with the ever after, instead of now?  More importantly, do we really believe we can maintain a state of "happiness" for ever?  Happiness, to me, does not mean love.  Happiness is an emotion.  Love encompasses all emotions.  It accepts all.

We, elusively, seek after these beliefs without paying attention to what is happening right NOW.  I write a lot about being present, here, now.  If we stop and think for a minute, there is no future.  Time is a concept that is perceived by our little brains to give sense to a chronology of events.  Future events don't exist, the past is part true/part imagination, all we have is the now.  Why not invest our energy and learn to be present every second.  No matter what you're going through, really, no matter what it is, (and those of you who know me and know a bit about me, understand that I have earned some type of right to say this) you're okay.  Nothing lasts FOR EVER, even happiness.

I'm not saying that you can't be happy.  What I'm saying is that we can be EVERYTHING, at different points in our lives.  The real secret is HONORING OUR TRUTH at every single moment, better yet, at every single fraction of a moment, deep in the core of our human bodies.. We are light.  I don't even say this in a theological or philosophical sense.  I mean it in its physical sense.  Our atoms contain light at the center of their positive and negative sub-particles.  Now.. getting a bit philosophical and theological, light is the source of all energy.  Without sun light there would be no life on Earth.  Some people, actually, have mood swings based on how sunny it is outside.  Honoring our truths takes a lot of courage and hard work.  Who wants to appear all vulnerable to the world?  Literally wear your "heart" on your sleeve?  It's a hard concept to understand, until you begin to do it wholeheartedly.  Until I started to honor who I was at every moment, pay attention to every sign I received from my subconscious, and trust my intuition, I was doing myself a disservice.

The reason I wrote about not believing in fairy tales is because I believe that unless having a "fairy tale" type of life feels true to you, then we don't need it to attain the state of happiness/love we so much seek after.  We are already there.  All the time.  Even fairy tale characters have their ups and downs, just ask Shrek and Fiona.  When one person finds another person who allows them to be who they are, while maintaining truth to their essence, then, I believe there's a balanced relationship.  Where two people can agree to disagree, grow from one another and let each other soar.  That is my idea of a real life "fairy tale."


"Love is a synthesis in space and a synchronicity in time of complimentary opposite emotions" - Dr. John Demartini

THE APPLES OF MY EYES

Tonight, after a long day, my first day back to the grind since I came back from vacation, I want to thank the Universe for the people in my life.  The ones who make me smile, who make me cry, who lend me a shoulder to lean on, who teach me tough love, who help me believe in myself a bit more, who challenge me when I become too cocky, who offer their beautiful words of wisdom, who stay silent and let me figure things out myself, who love me for who I am, whom I have become and never judge me for who I was.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, especially to two very special young men who make my soul shine a bit brighter when they are near.  They bring me joy in a way they might never understand.  I almost saw them being delivered by the doctor but sleepiness got the best of me, and since then, for almost 15 years, I have watched them grow into handsome, polite, caring, compassionate and superb human beings, not to mention, soccer superstars.

I love you Aaron and Bryan.  You, two, are some of the reasons that kept me fighting to stay alive, because I wanted to show you that the human spirit is brave.  And if I can go through something like I went through, then you can conquer anything you want in your life.  Never lose sight of your dreams and goals.  And, more importantly yet, don't ever let anyone decide your futures for you.  Listen to the voices inside your hearts and let that voice be your guide.  It will take you to where you are supposed to be.

For ever your Dindinha.

Candy To My Soul

I read The Secret a while back, and look over it from time to time, especially when I realize I need a “reality check” reminder. I know… The Secret is not The Bible, the holiest of all books, but to be honest, although I respect The Bible, both testaments, I don’t understand it. After I read it, I feel even more confused. Therefore, a while back, I decided to read things that are easy to understand, uplifting and make me feel good for a long time after reading it. The list of things is almost infinite…. Anyway, The Secret teaches us to list all the things that make us happy (The Secret List) so whenever we feel down in the slumps, we can go back and read it and automatically be transported to the “happy” place inside all of us. I wrote my first list a long time ago, from time to time, I revise it. Sometimes I add stuff, other times I remove stuff, but most of the time I just read it and indulge in a little bit of soul-sweet-tooth time… This is my current list:

• Walks on the beach
• Sunsets
• The quiet before sunrises
• My mom’s love
• My brother’s sense of humor
• The love of my life
• My stepsister’s personality
• My cousin’s great heart
• My so awesome family
• Kids’ laughter
• Passion fruit sorbet
• Memories of my grandparents
• Memories of my dad
• My step-dad playing the guitar
• My godchildren
• Puppies
• Sound of waves crashing on the shore
• Snow filled mountains
• Adrenaline filled activities
• My friends
• Meditating
• Smell of burning incense
• Hugs
• Random acts of kindness
• Hot chocolate on a cold night
• Smores around a pit fire in my backyard with the people I love the most
• Star filled sky
• Flip-flops
• The possibility of one day being able to see the Earth from far away
• Mother Nature doing its thang
• Anything made from corn
• Diet soda from the fountain
• Green mangoes with salt
• Falling in love
• Being in love
• Saying I love you
• Hearing I love you back
• Yellow butterflies
• Swimming with dolphins
• Scuba diving
• Driving
• Being free

• Good movie

• Good book

• Happy endings

• Flying

• Blue skies

• Chilly weather

• Laughing

• Funny people

• Good hair days

• Seeing someone, I haven’t seen for a long time

• Turtles

• Boat rides

• Music

• The feeling that everything happens for a reason

• Smell of lavender

• Water lilies

• Daisies

• Sunflowers

• Birthdays

• The giggles at the wrong time

• Defying the odds

Re-writing these things already makes my heart all fuzzy and warm inside. I felt that sharing them would help everyone who reads this remember their own soul-candy, and hopefully feel all warm and fuzzy inside too.

Afterthought:

I have decided to write something every single day. No matter how silly it seems to me, I want to dedicate (or hope to) 30 days to writing something, sometimes even more than once a day if the idea persists in my head for more than 10 minutes. It’s a way for me to force myself to write and focus my thinking and thoughts. I feel it will be good practice for when I get serious about writing my book.

His Holiness The Dalai Lama

Six months ago, I made a change in my life. I began to educate myself in Eastern Philosophies. Along with reading and researching, I began to practice meditation with Yoga Nidra. It has been an amazing experience. Even though I slipped off my positive pattern for a while, the moment I started it again, I came right back to the place inside myself where I find all my answers. I must admit that it has been a challenge to remain completely focused these past couple of months and truly believe that things will get better. However, I practice meditation relentlessly, I figured that if it does not do me any good, it won't do me any harm either. At the end of all my sessions, though, I come out refreshed. Except lately, that I caught a horrible cold, my breathing is off and I can't seem to quiet my mind... I guess it's true what they say... "Mental health begins with physical health."

Anyway, as I drowned myself into Eastern wisdom, I began to watch many documentaries on Buddhism, Hinduism, The Tao, etc., and their respective teachers. In the process, I decided I was going to go to India for two weeks to a silent spiritual retreat. I befriended two people from the place I chose, who are two of the most loving human beings I have ever met, and although we have only met through email, whenever we communicate I can feel their love emitting from the computer screen. They are the owners of Z Meditation, located in Dharamsala, India.

While watching a documentary about H.H. The Dalai Lama, I discovered that he resides in Dharamsala and decided to write his office an email requesting a private audience with him. Much to my surprise, they replied, denying my request very politely due to H.H. health and age issues. Ironically, I was supposed to be coming back from India tomorrow. I couldn't go due to the unfortunate events of the past couple of months. About a month ago, my friend Nancy posted on her facebook status that she was going to see The Dalai Lama, because he was going to be in Florida for a visit. Well.... to make a long story longer... I'm going to see him too!!! My wonderful friend Nancy got me a ticket to go with her to the morning session, and I didn't have to travel 5,000 miles to Dharamsala to see him after all. Although, I still plan to attend the retreat at a later date.

Meeting H.H. will be an honor and a complete humbling experience. Aside from that, I got the clear to start weight-bearing on my leg again, so walking on braces is no longer a distant dream, but a very near reality... finally! It's been a long, arduous road... Sometimes I fell victim to my mind's games and tricks, but it seems like things are slowly falling back into place.

I'll be back very soon to talk about my Dalai Lama experience.