Empathy

I am reading the book One Soul, Many Bodies by Dr. Brian Weiss, MD, and I am at the chapter where it talks about learning empathy. 

I know that it is hard for the majority of the people that I know personally to empathize with my life, what I go through daily, and how much of an effort it takes to accomplish the simplest tasks.  With that being said, however, I know that many of these people wonder relentlessly what it is like, and for me that is enough.  I learned recently that when I need to vent about something relating to my injury, I need to vent to someone who is in a similar situation, because, they not only empathize but understand it so much easier than my able-body friends. 

After going through the ordeals of this past December (you can read my blog It's Been a Long December to update yourself), I realized that my life is perfect.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Although, I do have feelings of breaking free from the pack and going on my merry way to explore the world, I know the time has not arrived yet.  And, these feelings are more than feelings, it's my soul reminding me of what I ought to do.  On another recent blog, I wrote that I attended a workshop given by Dr. Brian Weiss, and there I purchased three of his meditation/regression CDs.  I use them frequently.  So far, I have regressed to five past lives. 

From each life, I gain a new perspective on this one.  The first regression I had was the last life prior to this one.  It was uplifting, fulfilling and powerful.  I learned a lot in that life.  It prepared me for all the tribulations I was/am going to endure in this one.  Every time I regress, my subconscious feels more present, a feeling I really do not have the proper intellect to explain, but I feel more aware and in tune.  Whenever, my heart cries for answers ( and I mean that literally), I regress myself after a brief meditation.  I'm constantly trying to find answers. 

For those who know me well know that my relationship with my family has changed a lot since my accident.  I would love to say it has been a 180 degree change, but it's close.  I feel the bond has gotten stronger, and I have learned unconditional love from my mom, and how strong she really is... Now, I know where I get it from ;).   Sometimes, however, there are instances of disagreements, some left over resentment and fear from all sides.  I have come to realize that maybe, these feelings do not root from this particular lifetime, and this morning, while regressing, I was shown the answer I looked for. 

My mom and brother are the most important people in the world to me.  At the same time, I know in my heart that we all get along better when we are apart.  I want them close to me, but our energies still don't connect 100%.  We are still not in full harmony.  As much as I wished they were, I feel like we all need to learn so much more.  Empathizing with one another is one of those lessons.

Friday night, I took my brother to a concert - Sting.  It was a birthday gift to him.  On the way back, we got into a brief discussion.  The tension in the air was palpable.  I felt sad and hurt.  For the first time in my life, I feel free inside, my heart is open to new experiences and adventures.  I'm slowly, but surely finding out who I am, but I don't think the ones closest to me feel that way.  Perhaps, it's my fault, because I don't express myself correctly to them.  I can't lie, but I resented him for a bit.  It took all of my strength to not cry, because I knew that that was going to end the talk, and I wanted him to open up.  What started out as a great night, ended with me feeling sad and alone. 

I spent Saturday trying to think of ways to understand my brother's point of view.  Until my regression/meditation today I couldn't find an answer.  I know there's a place inside of him where he also guards with thick walls and do not allow vulnerability to show.  I know I'm a confrontational- (after being a very passive-aggressive person, for a long time) -lay it all out on the table type of person, because I feel I need closure in everything, in order to move on.  Maybe, I'm too upfront for my family, too abrupt and I KNOW I'm misunderstood most of the time.  That used to bother me a lot before, now it only bothers when my mom and brother don't get me. 

I understand where they come from.  All I can do is try to empathize with how they feel when they approach me.  I believe that the progression I made with my mom is immense.  Both of us have transcended many karmic lessons and we are in a place where communication is easier and more harmonious.  With my brother, well, I don't really know.  I feel like I'm open but that only shies him away.  He's not one that likes to express his feelings, so it's hard for me to know exactly what the core of the matter is.  One thing I know for certain, and it was confirmed even more today, I love him more than he will ever understand.  I do love him, and want the best for him.  I don't judge him, even when I don't agree with some of the decisions he makes.  I'm not one to cast any stones, much less the first. 

I don't think he reads my blogs, perhaps, one day he'll read this one.  So this is for him:

Leco,

I'm sorry for missing out on 7 years of your life when you were in California.  I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't care.  I was young and going through my own things in that "wonderful" marriage of mine.  I think we both "ran" away from home because we knew we needed to survive.  Times are different, though.  We are older, more experienced and we can't hold on to the past for ever.  We all make mistakes.  I needed you during those 7 years as much as you needed us.  I also had no one, even though I still lived in Miami.  I am the way I am, because sometimes offense is the best defense.  It's purely a defense mechanism.  I am learning to change, like I expressed to you.  I hope that deep in your soul, you KNOW that I love you and would give up my life for you.  I will always be behind you, no matter what you choose.  The only thing I ask in return is forgiveness and acceptance.  We are not all born equal with the same knowledge.  You might have an older, wiser soul, so be patient with my young one.  Teach me to be a better person, and I will do the same for you with no prejudice.  This is truly from my heart to yours. 

Love,

Mile