What If?

"What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening

as words come. But put

them together side-by-side and they

have the power to haunt you for the

rest of your life: ‘What if'..."

(Quote from the movie Letters to Juliet)

What if?  As I posted on an earlier blog, I have lost the art of multi-tasking (that's if you can call it an art, I think of it as a learned behavior that distracts us from our true life).  Even though, I don't consider myself a good multi-tasker any longer, I still live in a multi-tasking world.  I'm surrounded by distractions, duties and habits that... well, still require me to multi-task within my limits. 
 
I have noticed, however, that something inside of me has changed.  I hear my voice inside screaming for a change.  I don't know what it is.  I have thought of many things that could possibly be affecting my energy level to a point where my sweet whispering voice is now loudly demanding I make a change... At the same time, so many things are happening (all great) to me, for me.  My job, now, is to wait.  Even though, I don't see things actually happening, I know there's some force behind the proverbial curtain setting the wheels into motion.  I sit here in the present moment and I'm delighted about all the endless possibilities and the great things that can happen, at the same time aware that they are not yet happening... And, I suddenly think.. What if?  What if they don't happen?  What if I'm not capable to go through with all that will be handed to me?  What if I'm a failure?
 
I was in denial of this nagging fear for a long time, but I think that recognizing it and putting it in writing is one step towards that change my soul is begging me for.  It is my initiation test for vulnerability.  I need to admit that I will be nervous to mess things up.  I believe that everyone has an important role in life.  As mediocre as it may seem to them.  We are all important.  This belief is what carries me through and connects me back to my soul-self.  There is a reason I came back from the dead five times... In other words, this is my sixth chance at life.. I must be here for something.  As presumptuous as that sounds, I don't think my purpose is to be of fame or fortune, but only of service.  I just want to serve humanity and our beautiful planet.  My truest pleasure lies in the solitude of the afternoons when I can watch the sunsets from my living room, when I finish a book that enriches my soul so much I spend a whole afternoon writing about the lessons I gained from it, or when someone tells me I've touched their lives in some way just by being alive. 
 
When, I think of all the great things that can be accomplished and all the lives that can be touched if I tried a little harder, I think, then, what if?  What if I don't follow the true path my heart is dictating for me?  What if I'm too afraid to fulfill my own purpose?  What if I waste my life?  I've realized those are questions that I rather not know the answers to.  As the above quote states "what" and "if" are two words non-threatening as words come... Oh, but the power they have when put together.