When the student is ready, the master appears - Buddhist Proverb

Sometime last week I logged on to facebook and there was this post...

"That it isn't for me to "accept" someone for who they are. Because that's a judgement that I know better n have deemed them "worthy" of my acceptance, that I've judged them by my worldview imposing who I am on and over who they are. that's just bollocks. I'm not here to "accept" people, I'm here to love them just the way they are, not change, "save", educate or improve. they know how to live their life n I know mine." -Hildi Rowland 

I have heard Dr. John Demartini say this many times (in his own words, of course), but it never sunk in the way it did when I read it off of Hildi's wall.  The impact of integrating this into my life has been monumental.  This post was my breakthrough.  Why didn't I get it earlier? I asked myself.  Perhaps, I was not ready before.  Such simple truth now that I feel it in me.  I was stuck on being grateful for so long and forgot the next step.. Love it all.  There is a reason why Dr. Demartini teaches his method and guides us to the Thank You, I Love You state.. I was stopping at the Thank You, I Accept You, state. 

This puzzle piece dissolved a lot of uncertainty and opened up my heart in a way that humbled me with the understanding that when you genuinely feel gratitude and love towards anyone or anything, you see yourself in everything around you.  A realization that everything and everyone around you are here to remind you just that... The interconnection we all have with one another, and the beautiful gift that that is.  

Hildi lives thousands of miles away from me, but because of the above post, I feel her presence in my everyday life as if we were roommates.  With this profound new level of awareness and perception, I understand why I don't "miss" some people who I love dearly, even though some live very far or have passed on.  The love keeps them alive in me, and the universe brings "them" to me in other forms.  


What once felt like an unbreakable wall inside my heart has vanished and the possibilities that pop up are nothing short of extraordinary.  With new knowledge, comes new accountability, and since this enormous breakthrough I have not stopped "collapsing" more walls that keep me from loving all as is... The more I feel myself in others and others in me, I lose track of boundaries, limits and parameters.  It's an universal sense that the two cents I love to share with the world matter.  And, so on with every being... We are all in this together, and the illusion of separateness and differences does not affect the whole in itself.  It just creates misguided or lopsided perceptions upon the participants of this huge ball of love.  (that's how i visually see it – a mass of energy leaping towards infinity together, some particles trading roles with others, in order to carry on the evolution of our true nature). 

What a journey! Wow! Thank you, Hildi! I feel you and yes, we are having a special connection.. I'm loving it! 

Who Are You?... Without Your Story

I'll start this without much introduction about the title and jump right on to the meaty stuff that I've been thinking about for quite a bit.

Who am I? Who am I without my story?

It was so hard.. let me rephrase this, it is so hard to answer this question. One, because I don't think there is a finite answer to it. It constantly changes. Two, because I haven't even begun scratching the surface of the deep truth that lies deep within me and which I can articulate with ease to anyone. I'm still on the quest.

I'm going through so many changes (internal mostly) in my life that there are very few seconds not spent in self-examination, sometimes driving my family a bit bonkers and my friends too. I'm curious, though. Who am I really?

As humans our relationships are built upon our resonance to each other, most of the time because of the stories we have to tell about our lives. We see each other in each other's struggles and victories. We are reminded that we are not alone by knowing others who are on similar paths as we.  What would happen if we all got amnesia? What would happen if a handful of us lost everything we define ourselves by – family, jobs, material possessions, friends, looks.. Who would we be?

About a month or so ago, I mentioned to a great friend that I had begun to shed my story.  She thought I related having a story to being a victim.  At the moment, I couldn't really articulate what I thought about my "shedding of my story", but I knew that it had nothing to do with feeling like a victim.  Now I know exactly what it is that I wanted to shed... a label. The one which I perceive to be imposed on me. "The girl in the wheelchair who is so inspirational, strong, defiant, etc." or "The girl in the wheelchair, wow, so young, what a tragedy, such a wasted life." There are more versions and they all vary according to the person's own projections and fears when they see me or talk to me along with my own perceptions of them. I would love, however, to meet with 100 random strangers through a wall and have them range in age, race, gender, education, beliefs, values, backgrounds and all that good stuff. After speaking to me for 60 minutes about anything they wanted, I'd like them to describe me as they envisioned me in their head only based on our conversation.. I wonder how they'd describe me and I wonder how I'd describe them.

What I'm trying to say is that the fateful accident that changed my life was only an event. I was changed physically, physiologically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually as it also affected me socially and financially. Was it a tragedy? NO.  Was it a blessing? Well, I like to answer that by saying that I wouldn't change one single thing about it because I wouldn't be where I am in life if it were not for the event taking place.

I'm still thinking about this question. I write tirelessly in my journal about it. Sometimes a bunch of scribble-scrabble. Others some really insightful words. What I have begun to discover is that there is a place inside of me where all things are possible. It goes beyond the physical, emotional, charged matter we carry in our daily lives. It's a place so pure, so sacred and I have only been able to reach it twice. These mere glimpses have quieted my anxiety to find the answer. It has actually taught me that in the journey there is more to come. I'm still discovering all that I can be without a story. Without the charged drama. Without the limiting box around me. I am...

Inside of me there is a space where all evolution has taken place. A place where I can relate to the stars. I can understand the love affair between the Earth and the Sun. A place where no words are necessary to explain who I am. It is all there. There is no story defining it. No label claiming it. It's as silent as the vacuum in outer space.

There is no story really.  Just a set of events interconnected to set me free from my own preconceived notions and biases. So much more self-examinations ahead, I know. But, the further I delve into the unknown to find those answers, I realize that that which I am is much simpler than any persona I have tried to be and incorporate in my entire life. So much simpler.

Sweet November... Gone

Have you ever wondered about where you would be if when you were given a set of choices you would have had chosen the one your heart desired the most at the time, instead of the one your brain (ego) weighed out for you?

I have often wondered about that. About so many things in my life. For a while now, the answer to every single one of the questions is the same. I would be exactly where I am at. NO MATTER what choice I would have picked when the choices were presented, life would have led me to where I am. I may have learned the lessons differently, some think I could have avoided many "heartaches" and "hardships." There was a time when I beat myself up so much for making the wrong choice and wishing I could have that split second again. As I have grown, learned and integrated the messages and lessons that have been crucial in my path, I can't even doubt the unbelievable wisdom behind ripple effect by every choice I made. It is literally mind blowing, and so very humbling. 

We are now in December, and as I watched one of my favorite movies "Sweet November", I remembered that one of my very life-defining decisions was made regarding someone who reminds me of this movie so much. It's been over eight years since I had that choice laid out before me, and went totally against my heart. Followed my instinct. Fight or flight. I was scared. Enveloped in fear and felt as if my heart had been torn to a million pieces. In hind-sight, I was like a baby deer running from a lion. The wall I built around me was palpable, and I felt like I had made such a mistake at the time. I lived in regret for so long. I used to think that the month I spent with this person was the most special month of my entire life. I felt as if I was ruined because no one else could ever compare to how I felt with them. 

Once I learned and applied the teachings from Dr. D. that nothing is missing, it just changes forms, I began to see that nothing was a mistake, I acted the best I knew how. I see the traits I missed from that person all around me now, in different people. From regret to gratitude, from fear to love I can say that sweet November will last forever. We have been entangled in the matrix. Although the title says "Gone", I use that word to describe the perception I had when I made the decision. It has never arrived or left. Sweet November always existed in my life. Some times in the form of many, that one time in the form of one. Then, back to the form of many. 

What a small shift in perception can do! 

'Tis The Season To Be Grateful

In March 2009, while attending a workshop with Dr. Brian Weiss, a lady who sat next to me, gave me two stones at the end of the day. One had the word HOPE, and the other the word GRATITUDE.  Since then, every night, I think of at least one thing that made me grateful throughout the day, and repeat the process as I wake up.  I, then, started a Gratitude Journal. The journal has literally changed my life around. By being grateful to all the things I already have, I made way for the Universe to bring me all the things that I desired, needed or simply the things necessary to help me grow. 


This week we celebrate Thanksgiving. Going by the name alone.. We celebrate giving "thanks" to what surrounds us, to everything we have harvested throughout the year. I wanted to share a list of things I have harvested this year that I'm extremely grateful for. 

• Being alive
• Taking a breath every morning (through my nose or mouth and not through a tube in my throat)
• Sunsets and Sunrises
• My home
• My family
• Discovering my true love affair with writing
• Writing and having my first book published
• The arrival of my beautiful daughter Anastasia
• Anastasia's presence in my life
• What Anastasia has taught me about life and motherhood
• The people who help me with my daughter and give her so much love
• Anastasia's father for having the courage to fight for her and bringing her to her real home
• To my friends who I don't see or speak to often but are the stars in my infinite sky, their shine never fades
• Meeting incredible beings through my Demartini seminars and creating a mega-bond with many of them
• Dr Demartini and his teachings
• Learning to integrate love and gratitude in everything I do (I still struggle sometimes, but that's why I'm thankful to Dr Demartini's teachings because his method brings me right back to par)
• My doctor who takes great care of me and keeps me in tip top health so that I can continue on my mission
• The opportunity to provide a comfortable life for myself and those around me
• Inspiration to write more creatively and having the courage to do so
• MYSELF, for dusting myself off after every fall and finding new ways to rise through the dust and re-creating new ways to achieve what at one time seemed unachievable, and live what once only seemed like far-fetched dreams. 

I'm very grateful this year for the good, bad, pretty, ugly, positives, negatives, supports and challenges. They have allowed me to grow from my previous conditions, and I welcome all of it again in my life to keep evolving my soul.. For ever in gratitude. 

You Are There

Amidst all the confusion

I'm reluctant to move forward

and find out it is all an illusion

you are there

There are times I have to decide

enveloped in self doubt 

I realize there is no wrong or right

you are there

Rain or shine,

happy or sad,

dead or alive,

you are there

In a breath, a thought, an action,

a dream, a butterfly, a cloud,

a touch, a hug, my daughter's affection,

you are there

I am grateful for your lessons,

humbled by your presence,

touched by your love,

and hopeful for .... everything.

You are there.