Times, they are a changin'

Doesn't it always?

I don't know what it is.  It might be age.  It might be that I've become anti-social.  It might be temporary.  All I know is that it has been happening for a while now.  At first, I felt very confused.  I felt guilty.  Maybe it's motherhood.  I am now learning to accept it and welcome it.   There was a time when I'd jump at the opportunity of going out, having a drink and talking non-sense.  Now, it takes so much effort to do so.  I love and adore my dear friends.  Hold them dear in my heart, but hangin' out is not congruent to who I am at the moment.  Is that wrong?  I don't know.

I cringe at any social invitation, because I know that I will ponder my decision until the last minute.  Some, not so much.  Those that I decide, before hand, wholeheartedly, that I will undoubtedly attend end up being squished by some health issue or unexpected circumstance.  Is the Universe telling me something?  Even when I think I should be somewhere, doing something with someone, every atom of my body screams the opposite "Honor you".  It's daunting to think that I'm doomed to spend a lot of time alone right now, however the more I involve myself with the activities that bring me the uttermost joy, I feel okay with being exactly how I am.

I recognize.. I have changed.  A lot.  Maybe not changed at all, just more respectful and honoring of my own wishes.  My own wants and desires.  The desire to be in solitude.  Me, my daughter and my words. Sometimes, I allow others in my little bubble, but for now, it's nice this way.  I like to enjoy her, be inspired by her and transport all that I receive from the interaction to a piece of paper.  Whatever it is, motherhood has only enhanced it.  In hind sight, I remember having this talk with my Physical Therapist before Anastasia's arrival... "I'm not into the social scene anymore," "You're growing up," is what he said.  I am not hiding from the world now.  I love seeing the people I love, just not every weekend.  The urgency of having to be around someone, or to be talking about something, or just doin' nothing really constructive or creative has abandoned my being.

I like quiet.  I like the sound of my baby learning to mimic our words.  I like reading books.  I like meditating.  I like to go to coffee shops and indulge in my Julia Cameron's books (I feel as if I have her next to me, guiding me to become a better writer).  I like being with me.

As I recognize, acknowledge and honor the change in myself, I also understand that as times have changed I continue to be grateful for the people in my life.  They understand me, they get me and respect who I am.  They love me for me and validate every part of my soul.  This is a new cycle in my life, and my wish is that they understand it as well as accept it. <3

What About Me? Part 2

I tried to update my Facebook profile today with my new "About Me" section information.  For some reason, it won't let me save the new text.  It allowed me to delete the old one, however.  Until they fix the bug, I'll publish my new "About Me" here in the meanwhile.  Here it is:

I feel it's time to update my about me section.  Change is constant.  Change is necessary.  There are things about me that still fit into that old about me description.  However, things in general have evolved, hence the need to update this section.  So, what about me?

I'm a proud mom.  I love being a mom.  I revere the opportunity of having been chosen to be my daughter's mom.  To her dad, I'm eternally grateful.  After becoming a mom, life has made more sense.  A connection with a Greater Power deepened and I can feel it every time I look into my child's eyes.  After becoming a mom, I worked harder to find  my true passions.  I decided I wanted to live a life of examples.  I discovered that motherhood, writing and inspiring are my three most esteemed activities.  For now, for this unfolding moment, there's nothing I'd rather do.  

After becoming a mom, I learned the meaning of unconditional love.  I learned that my mom is exceptional.  I also learned that in order to be the best mom I can be to my daughter, I have to love me first.  I have learned to invest a percentage of the love I have for her in myself - it's a win-win situation all the time.  I learned that I will never be a perfect mom, and I finally learned to be okay with that.  

There was no way I could leave the old about me section up, unchanged, when every atom in my body has metamorphosed.  This caterpillar is finally becoming a butterfly. 

Living My Element with Sylwia - Day 1

Ok, here we go.  Day 1... Exhaling...... As I mentioned on the Back to Basics blog, I will be journaling my journey towards the best eating habits for me, without sacrificing taste, the foods I like to eat, instead  using these foods to fuel me instead of suppress some type of emotion.  It's time for change.  And, I am READY for it.  I called the last blog Back to Basics, because I grew up in a family where we used food for everything: celebrations, boredom, sadness, over indulging meals, etc.. You catch my drift.  Italians love food.  I come from an Italian background, mixing in some Brazilian spices, you get:  FOOD ADDICT!  So, in many ways, Sylwia is the one who is lovingly teaching me to listen to my body.  Eat when you are hungry.  That is what food is meant for.  Eat the right foods for me, the ones that help bring out the best in me (in every sense - mentally, emotionally, physically & physiologically.) It's been a fun first day.  Prior to becoming paralyzed, I was a long distance runner.  Hooked on the runner's high.  Loved it!  Miss it!  Thank goodness to technology many exercise equipments have been invented to help limited-mobility people to attain their cardio work out and - of course - lose some weight along the way.  You see, being paralyzed affects your cardio-pulmonary function, especially when you're a complete para/quad.  I'm complete, which means I have no movement or sensation below my level of injury (T4).  See picture below for further understanding.  I'm very prone to catching colds that can lead to pneumonia, which is the number one cause of death in spinal cord injury survivors.  You can see how taking this step towards optimizing my health in every way is very important to me.

T4 is considered a high para.  I have no trunk function, which further means I have what is called a "quad belly." Ugh.. That was hard to write.  I always took pride on my belly prior to getting hurt, but I have come to a very gradual acceptance, that I am, now, in a new body, and although it is not the body I remembered pre-accident, I still LOVE it. The machines invented such as the Vitaglide, hand cycles, mono & bi-skis, hockey sledges, tennis/basketball/rugby wheelchairs, to name a few, help us SCI survivors to live a very active life.  It's pretty remarkable. 
Ok, off the tangent.. I was never taught by example to follow any type of food pyramid, in fact I'd pyramid all the food in my plate in one sitting.  My teenage years were so very kind to me, I'd eat whatever I wanted and my metabolism was golden.. As I got older and hit my early 20's, I realized I needed to really watch what I put into my body, however, I didn't know how to begin to read labels, cook it the right way or fight against a bigger motion - my family, since I still lived at home then.  The easy, very efficient fix... Diet pills!  I took them during my early 20's then stopped for about 6 years while I was married and re-started after my divorce.  Oh, sweet bliss.  No hunger, peaks of high energy to run to the moon and back, and whatever binging I did was counterbalanced by the many hours I didn't eat while I took them.  It actually worked well for me.  I was able to radicalize my diet to a huge extreme.  I must say I learned to cut bad carbs out of my diet and focus mostly on protein and fiber, and most importantly caffeine!  I loved the high. 
Then, a tree got in the way of my police car, and I got paralyzed.  I remember waking up from my 6 week induced coma and I was thin as a stick.  Deathly skinny.  But, as my hopes for any type of future dissipated, along with friends' betrayals and my physical health deteriorated, I turned to what I knew never disappointed me before - FOOD.  Food was my friend, it helped me cope, especially sweets.  I gained a lot of weight.  Along with gaining a lot of weight, I began to lose my hair.  So, I nearly shaved it all off.  Here I was, paralyzed, the heaviest I had ever been, and almost bald (ok, not really bald, but my hair was very short.) Food was the only thing that mattered to me. 
For the past three years, I have bounced from every fad diet in the books.  At first, because I still dreamed of having my old body or something similar to it, as time has passed, however, and Anastasia arrived in my life I have found a deeper truth of why I want to learn to eat.  I want to be here for her.  I want to see her graduate Elementary, Middle School, High School, go to prom, give her girly advice, send her off after her dreams and hopefully be alive to see her conquer them.  I want to be here for her.  Deeper than being there as a mom for her, I want to be proud of myself, for once again conquering and taking control of my body.  It is important to me to be active and feel good about myself, and I've neglected that part of me for long enough.  No matter what happens in our lives, if we are still alive, we still deserve to live the life of our dreams, live it fully and passionately.  Food is everything, and I truly believe it has healing powers. 
Speaking to Sylwia on Monday night, I learned so much about so much.  The pretty cool thing about our conversation, however, which, I didn't even share with her is that I felt that I was just being reminded of all the knowledge she was passing on to me.  You know we are born with a wealth of knowledge and if we take the time to listen to our inner selves and our bodies, we can pretty much get any answer to any question we have.  I chose Sylwia to be my mentor in this journey, because she and I share a VERY special bond. 
So... she asked that I pay attention to everything I ate and how I felt afterwards.  She sent me a lot of information on many types of foods and I have been researching food that is compatible to my blood type, which has been such a great treasure to research.  I went shopping yesterday to stock up on some goodies and begin to try out others.  I'm starting out slowly but I plan to eliminate all red meat from my diet and pursue a vegaquarian diet ultimately.  I love fish, and don't want to sacrifice it altogether.  I bought lots of leafy greens, eggs, avocados, apples, pears, lime, unsweetened almond milk, and probably some other things I'm forgetting.  Although I bought all these things, I ate at Subway.  6" turkey on whole wheat with provolone, no mayo, all veggies, and a bottle of water. Since yesterday doesn't count, I'll start with today.  I had a whole wheat English muffin with smart balance butter for breakfast (9am ish), and some acai juice to take my medication (after having my spinal cord injury I take some medication).  I felt satisfied and energized.  While running errands, I felt a hunger pain about 3 hours after breakfast, had my usual at Subway.  I didn't feel as energized as breakfast.  I felt a little bit of lethargy.  I arrived home about 3 hours later again and had an apple.  When dinner time arrived, 5:30ish - 6pm, I ate albacore tuna with some sour cream (not a fan of mayonnaise), 2 corn on the cobs and drank water.  For dessert I had about 1 1/2 cups of red seedless grapes.  Dinner was actually great.  I felt very energetic.  30 minutes after dinner, I had a cup of ginger tea and some ginger snaps (cookies) - notice, how I say some, because i actually lost count, diminishing my sugar intake is one of the goals I would like to accomplish during this re-learning of my eating habits, so there was a little slip up there.. oh well!  It's a gradual progress.  One thing, I am not proud to admit is that I really have not done one inch of exercise this whole week or the week before; unless you count pushing a wheelchair all over Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure over the weekend.  Another major point of accomplishment is WATER INTAKE.  Due to the fact that I have to cath (if you don't know what it is, I suggest you research what a pain in the ass it is to go through the process) every 4-6 hours and for me that is still a major production, I had stopped consuming as much water as I should.  Well, I'm putting all laziness aside and increasing my water intake even if it means I might have some potty accidents in the process. :pOk.. so here is my first day journal of living my element.  If you are interested in even only peeking at what Sylwia does you can go to her site at www.livingyourelement.com.  



DISCLAIMER:
The service Sylwia provides is individualized by each client.  Our bodies are all different.  What works for me might not work for someone else with similar weight, height, gender and even SCI.  The blogging of my process is mainly for inspirational and entertainment purposes only for the reader.  If I can achieve optimal health in a wheelchair, being a mother and living with some chronic pain (awful trigger points), I believe anyone can do it.  I can do it.  Instead of keeping my journals between Sylwia and me, I wanted to share, bare all my skeletons out of my closet and liberate myself to live a more balanced life in every sense.

Back To Basics

As I posted on my last blog, The Breakthrough Experience was incredible for me.  It taught me tools that bring me back to the center of my being, help me focus on my highest priorities and ignite the fire to go get them.  I have sat for some hours to prioritize my goals and true values and found out that my overall health is one of my top priorities.  During the Breakthrough seminar, I met a wonderful person, Sylwia Rosinska. 
Sylwia and I bonded.  We bonded deeply.  I can say I have a friend for life in her, and she has one in me.  We were catalysts for each other. Something happens to you once you go through the whole experience.  The experience, itself, involves a lot of hard, emotionally rooted work, but it is very rewarding in the end.  The great thing about the experience is that it aligns you with what you are truly meant to do and synchronicities begin to happen to you.  Before the experience one might think of these synchronicities as coincidences or miracles.  However, once you are a breakthrough-er.. You know they are meant to be.  Nevertheless, some of them still leave you in humbling awe.
As Sylwia and I continued our friendship after the experience, I found out she is the answer to a prayer of mine.. Holistic nutritionist.  As I browsed her facebook page, I began to read some of her blogs and stumbled upon her webpage.  I was ecstatic.  It is everything I have been looking for and more.  Last night, our session was supposed to be 1 hour, needless to say I did not make it to my gym appointment this morning.. lol.  It was so worth it, though.  I learned sooooo much already just for the small time we spoke via Skype.  So, I am starting this lifestyle change with her.  It is fun and challenging to me, at the same time it is a win-win situation.  She says I am a challenge to her, because of my situation (paralysis) and she is extremely eager to work with me.  The duration of our business relationship is 6 months.  She suggested that I write a journal of what I eat and how my body feels afer certain foods, etc.. I deciced to make that journal public on my blog.  So, beginning tomorrow, I will post my every-day progress as I change my eating habits to ones that suit me better and help me achieve my goals of better health, more energy, a little weight loss (that never hurts) and knowledge of how to continue for the rest of my life. 
When I became paralyzed, I was confronted with a huge disavantage.  I had no knowledge of how to eat healthly.  I knew all about fad diets, and tried them all.  Prior to becoming paralyzed I was addicted to diet pills and running, so I would binge whenever hunger hit.  This for me is a step towards freedom and acceptance of my past.  I look forward to sharing each day, even if I have to disclose things I am not very proud of.  As I have a feeling that disclosing them and making those pesky, ugly secrets known will liberate me to be even more authentic to myself and those around me.
Let us go back to basics...

The Gifts Of A Chair...

Last week I submitted an essay to the website http://thisibelieve.org/ .  I received an email reply saying that it might take 6 months for the essay to be posted on the website, if it was approved.  Anyhow, being the impatient human being that I am, I wanted to share the essay before the 6 months were up with my loyal blog followers.  So, here it is:

THE GIFTS OF A CHAIR

I remember my first waking moments in that hospital bed that was my home for eight weeks. I had just woken up from my coma and realized I was paralyzed. I was confused, scared and fragile. It all seemed like a dream. In the beginning, I tried to talk several times, but to no avail. I was dependent on a ventilator to feed me air; otherwise, my lungs would not work. It was so much to take in that I remember focusing on one thing at a time. I do not know how much time I spent focusing on each thing, because, I had lost track of it. Time was something I had plenty of while lying in my hospital bed trying to figure out what had happened to my life.

The week after my 30th birthday, I hit the fichus tree that changed my life forever. I broke several bones, punctured my left lung, and sustained a spinal cord injury. Right away, I could not breathe nor feel my lower body. As the months progressed and I overcame each obstacle, my loved ones and I focused diligently on my spinal cord injury. I did not pay much attention to my weak lungs, or to the simple fact that I had been revived five times. I just wanted to walk. I thought that if I started walking again, everything else would magically get better as well.

Time went on and slowly I realized that walking would not make everything better. Things were already better.

I no longer needed a tracheotomy, much less a ventilator. I was alive and getting stronger by the minute. My loved ones constantly reminded me of their support and that no matter what I would always be me. I was unable to count my infinite blessings. In the beginning, my focus was on the walking, but now, my focus is on living. I learned that living a good life does not require a pair of working legs. Living a good life requires strength of character, courage and lots of faith. I also learned that living a good life requires lots of humility, compassion and most importantly, hope. Once I learned to accept myself, I learned who I really was.

I am very blessed and lucky to say that having a spinal cord injury has changed my life around. I loved walking and I am proud to say that I never took it for granted. I always thanked God for my legs when I used to run every day. Although, I cannot run now, I can do countless other things that I would not have otherwise tried if it were not for my injury. My wheelchair is my best friend, without it, I am lost – and stuck! My chair has taught me that I am more than just a body sitting in it, I am a being full of life, and I ought not to waste it. More than anything, being in a chair has been a gift.

Exhaling...

I've been feeling a bit down for a while. I drowned so much into a bottomless pit of self-sorrow, that I couldn't even tell you what was the real reason of me being sad. It's obvious to anyone who's been following everything that has happened in my life these past couple of months that whatever I am going through is very normal; however, I don't deal well with being sad or feeling sorry for myself. So, this is a typical cycle for me: fear, worry, sadness, anger, frustration, despair, in the middle something insightful happens (such as a great uplifting talk with someone, a book I read, meditation that provides answers, inspirational movie, etc...), snapping out of it - kind of similar to the five stages of grieving, but that's how I categorize my stages. This time around was no different.

I started feeling scared that I would have to live my life always having to dodge "bad" stuff and when I am not able to avoid them, deal with them. Then, I began to worry that I might be very prone to lots of bone fractures, due to the loss of bone density that comes with paralysis (osteoporosis). With four weeks’ worth of these haunting pre-occupations in my mind, I felt sad. I felt like my life would never be normal. Ironic. Shortly, the sadness turned into pure anger and frustration. That is when I began to question everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. So, now, my attention has been diverted from the original cause of all this internal chaos and has been redirected to everything and everyone else. I started disliking myself because I began to blame everything and everyone around me for all that is happening to me. I shut down, secluded myself from the world. This time around, I kept waiting for the epiphany to happen so that I could quickly snap out of my self-made hell. Nothing. Until today...

Before I go on, I would like to clear up that I'm still coping, but I don't feel so alone. I have a fantastic family and great friends. I don't mean to brag, but I am very, very blessed to be surrounded by such a group of people. This time, though, I realized that talking to them and venting about how I felt was not doing me any good. I couldn't figure out why in the beginning. A couple of days ago, it hit me like cold water. They walk. They get in and out of their cars with ease. Take 5-minute showers. They don't need to ask for help when things are out of their reach, spend 15 minutes looking for parking spaces that can accommodate their cars with their ramps (unfortunately, there are still people that park in h/c spaces that can walk perfectly fine)... They all want to be there for me desperately, but they cannot relate. I hope that they will never know what it is to be me and walk in my shoes, but in the same token, there are some things that I want to talk to with someone who can understand me and has been there and felt my pain.

Tonight, this happened. I spoke to a friend and he reminded me that some things we need to talk to people who have been through the same. While talking to him, things fell into perspective. I didn't need to feel bad for feeling bad. It's part of life, especially our lives. The huge snowball I had created started melting into a snowflake. And, suddenly, my heartfelt light again. This too shall pass. It's been a long road of recovery, nevertheless, it is recovery. I'm finally exhaling again.


This is one of my favorite Zen proverbs. While writing this blog, it kept on popping in my head:

There once was a small village where a young child was bought a horse for his 9th birthday... the villagers heard about this, and said that this was fantastic news… but when the Zen Master heard about this he simply said “we shall see”…

Three years later the boy fell of his horse and broke his legs, the villagers were distraught, “what terrible news” they said... but the Zen Master simply said, “We shall see”.

One year later the country went to war, and due to his injury the boy was able to stay at home instead of fighting, “what great news” said the villagers, and once again, the Zen Master simply said:

“We shall see”.

Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. In addition, you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. You never know what’s around the corner. Everything happens for a reason...

Where is the light?

Lately, it has been somewhat dark. I have fallen into the depths of my own self-sorrow and am struggling to get out. There is an eternal internal conflict between my heart and my mind. Like two angels, one to my right, and one to my left, contradicting each other. The one on my right laughs at my despair and agony. He laughs at every self-piteous thought and goes on to mock me "hahaha, I knew you couldn't do it" while the one on my left, patiently caresses my hair and says "keep on being patient, you're making it, and no need to complain, you've had worse." While the voice on my left drowns the whispers coming from the right, I am still thankful to hear the whispers. I cannot deny it anymore that it is becoming harder and harder to believe that I will make it. Hope has become a commodity. A precious stone, I so desperately want to hold on to, but sometimes think I am undeserving of it.

I feel I have failed myself. I have failed my family and loved ones. I have failed life. And, I have failed God. I am exhausted. I do not think I can take anymore, accept it, and feel like "it was meant to be" or "there's a reason for everything", so I am now questioning "why?" If there is a purpose for it all, then, it is time for me to start finding some answers. It is time that life starts giving me some signs to guide me to those answers.

I am not confident that I can be the strong person everyone thinks I am. I am tired. I need to be honest with myself and with everyone else, even if it means, I am weak.

I seldom think about the lost dreams and goals of my previous life, because, in truth, they seem like they belonged to someone else. Not me. Lately, however, those ghostly dreams and goals have come back to haunt me, and my antagonizing right side angel has not let me forget them. And, that is when I feel, I have failed life. What's next?

God... well, He and I have had many talks. I really do not think I have failed him, at least not in my heart. My mind keeps disagreeing, though. My catholic background taught me to believe that God was never to be questioned. The Almighty knows what He is doing, blah blah blah... I beg to differ. If my questioning everything that is going on in my life means that I have failed Him, then, so be it. In my heart, I feel I deserve answers and guidance. I will keep asking.

I realized in the past couple of days, that no matter who is around, where I am, or what I am doing, it is lonely. It is mostly lonely, when I allow it to be. When the only voice I hear is the angel's on the right. When everything else becomes muffled and a blur and I start living in the past and wondering about my future. For a while, I have been feeling a little lazy and weak to snap out of it. Perhaps, I am just fed up. Whatever. It is what it is. Then, I feel the angel on the left, not struggling to be heard, or trying to out speak the one on the right, just patiently waiting for me to give him a chance and give him my undivided attention.



AFTERTHOUGHT:

For all those readers who love to romanticize and dramatize everything you read, THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE OR A CRY FOR HELP... I do not want to kill myself or die. Sometimes, our spirits take enough beating that makes us tired, but I do not have any suicidal tendencies or thoughts. I have had a rough couple of months, and sometimes enough is enough. This is how I vent and get through hard times. So, please keep this in mind, before you think I need some type of intervention. Although, asking for help is something I still need to work on... I will do that waaaay before I ever think about ending my own life. Thank you for reading my blogs.