Times, they are a changin'

Doesn't it always?

I don't know what it is.  It might be age.  It might be that I've become anti-social.  It might be temporary.  All I know is that it has been happening for a while now.  At first, I felt very confused.  I felt guilty.  Maybe it's motherhood.  I am now learning to accept it and welcome it.   There was a time when I'd jump at the opportunity of going out, having a drink and talking non-sense.  Now, it takes so much effort to do so.  I love and adore my dear friends.  Hold them dear in my heart, but hangin' out is not congruent to who I am at the moment.  Is that wrong?  I don't know.

I cringe at any social invitation, because I know that I will ponder my decision until the last minute.  Some, not so much.  Those that I decide, before hand, wholeheartedly, that I will undoubtedly attend end up being squished by some health issue or unexpected circumstance.  Is the Universe telling me something?  Even when I think I should be somewhere, doing something with someone, every atom of my body screams the opposite "Honor you".  It's daunting to think that I'm doomed to spend a lot of time alone right now, however the more I involve myself with the activities that bring me the uttermost joy, I feel okay with being exactly how I am.

I recognize.. I have changed.  A lot.  Maybe not changed at all, just more respectful and honoring of my own wishes.  My own wants and desires.  The desire to be in solitude.  Me, my daughter and my words. Sometimes, I allow others in my little bubble, but for now, it's nice this way.  I like to enjoy her, be inspired by her and transport all that I receive from the interaction to a piece of paper.  Whatever it is, motherhood has only enhanced it.  In hind sight, I remember having this talk with my Physical Therapist before Anastasia's arrival... "I'm not into the social scene anymore," "You're growing up," is what he said.  I am not hiding from the world now.  I love seeing the people I love, just not every weekend.  The urgency of having to be around someone, or to be talking about something, or just doin' nothing really constructive or creative has abandoned my being.

I like quiet.  I like the sound of my baby learning to mimic our words.  I like reading books.  I like meditating.  I like to go to coffee shops and indulge in my Julia Cameron's books (I feel as if I have her next to me, guiding me to become a better writer).  I like being with me.

As I recognize, acknowledge and honor the change in myself, I also understand that as times have changed I continue to be grateful for the people in my life.  They understand me, they get me and respect who I am.  They love me for me and validate every part of my soul.  This is a new cycle in my life, and my wish is that they understand it as well as accept it. <3