Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

After much thought, I have decided to write you this letter. It has been sitting in a small corner of my mind and heart yearning to get out while I fought the urge to write it. As the new year arrived, I decided to approach life as if each day was my last day on Earth. With this new approach and perspective, many things have changed and shifted. One of them being my entanglement with you.

As I celebrate the 6th year anniversary of my "alive day", I ponder on the valuable lessons that have come since that fateful night. I must say that there is not one lesson, thought or feeling that does not include you. My intention with this letter is a very simple one. I only want to express to you something that I think I have failed to mention throughout these six years in two simple words:  THANK YOU.

Recently, from third party channels, I heard that you were expecting. My instant reaction was to pick up the phone and call you and rejoice with you the fact that you were going to take the most wonderful journey of your entire life.... motherhood. In that same split second, my memories traveled back to our high school days which were filled with girlish promises of being each other's maid of honor and godmothers to our children.. I remembered what you wrote on my yearbook that you didn't want to open it up and show to your kids who your best-friend was, you wanted them to meet her in person. At the same time, while reliving those distant memories, I remembered the first time I held my own daughter in my arms and wished for you to be there. I wished for you to meet her and see how she brought out in me the same qualities you did: determination, self-assurance and love.

As our words have grown harsher with each other with each communication we exchange, I still want you to know that in my heart you will always live as a friend, a confidant, family, a soul sister. All of that which you think of me is true, the good and bad. I am reverent in repeating, however, that because of our harsh words and your bluntness to expose my truth, I found IT. I found the truth inside of me. The one I worked so hard to hide all the time. The one I secretly admired from you. The one you never shone away from. The courage to be authentic with yourself and with others always. It took me a little more than 35 years, but I think I'm on my way now.

If tomorrow was my last day on our beautiful planet, I'd want you to know that you will always be one of the most important people in my life. You played a pivotal role in shaping the person I am today and I thank you truly for that. I love you dearly still and will always pretend that one day we will meet each other for coffee and talk about our lives, kids and future dreams as if we were just picking up from yesterday. If tomorrow was my last day, I'd want to say to you that I always admired your courage to love freely and unconditionally. You were much braver than I could ever be in that aspect and when I encounter moments where I am tested that way, I think of you.. "What would she do?"

I wish all your dreams keep coming true. You deserve them. I dream that we will take part of each other's life again one day, in the meanwhile.

Love always,
C

Times, they are a changin'

Doesn't it always?

I don't know what it is.  It might be age.  It might be that I've become anti-social.  It might be temporary.  All I know is that it has been happening for a while now.  At first, I felt very confused.  I felt guilty.  Maybe it's motherhood.  I am now learning to accept it and welcome it.   There was a time when I'd jump at the opportunity of going out, having a drink and talking non-sense.  Now, it takes so much effort to do so.  I love and adore my dear friends.  Hold them dear in my heart, but hangin' out is not congruent to who I am at the moment.  Is that wrong?  I don't know.

I cringe at any social invitation, because I know that I will ponder my decision until the last minute.  Some, not so much.  Those that I decide, before hand, wholeheartedly, that I will undoubtedly attend end up being squished by some health issue or unexpected circumstance.  Is the Universe telling me something?  Even when I think I should be somewhere, doing something with someone, every atom of my body screams the opposite "Honor you".  It's daunting to think that I'm doomed to spend a lot of time alone right now, however the more I involve myself with the activities that bring me the uttermost joy, I feel okay with being exactly how I am.

I recognize.. I have changed.  A lot.  Maybe not changed at all, just more respectful and honoring of my own wishes.  My own wants and desires.  The desire to be in solitude.  Me, my daughter and my words. Sometimes, I allow others in my little bubble, but for now, it's nice this way.  I like to enjoy her, be inspired by her and transport all that I receive from the interaction to a piece of paper.  Whatever it is, motherhood has only enhanced it.  In hind sight, I remember having this talk with my Physical Therapist before Anastasia's arrival... "I'm not into the social scene anymore," "You're growing up," is what he said.  I am not hiding from the world now.  I love seeing the people I love, just not every weekend.  The urgency of having to be around someone, or to be talking about something, or just doin' nothing really constructive or creative has abandoned my being.

I like quiet.  I like the sound of my baby learning to mimic our words.  I like reading books.  I like meditating.  I like to go to coffee shops and indulge in my Julia Cameron's books (I feel as if I have her next to me, guiding me to become a better writer).  I like being with me.

As I recognize, acknowledge and honor the change in myself, I also understand that as times have changed I continue to be grateful for the people in my life.  They understand me, they get me and respect who I am.  They love me for me and validate every part of my soul.  This is a new cycle in my life, and my wish is that they understand it as well as accept it. <3

The Ones We Get To Call Friends

How often have you felt deep in your soul that someone is your friend? Hopefully, many, many times. Friends are the stars that light up our darkest days. Friends are the wind beneath our floppy wings. Friends are the extended family we chose for ourselves. Friends are the reason some of us don't need to go to therapy. Friends bring smiles to our faces, tears of gratitude to our eyes, lightness to our hearts and a big reminder that no matter how alone we feel, they are always there.

Friends are God's little workers in our lives. They do the work for us when we feel we are not enough to do it ourselves. They walk beside us on the edge of the cliff in case we slip off... They will be there to pick us up. Friends know when our smiles are hiding sad tears; they know when our "I'm okay" really means "I'm in pain." Friends are precious gems.

Friends take you as is and pay full price for you. They thrive to see you content, satisfied and fulfilled. Friends are truth bearers not brown nosers. Friends risk having an argument for the sake of being a true friend, than watch you go down the wrong path. Friends are extensions of ourselves. They reflect what we see in the mirror. Friends are our twin souls in other body-costumes. Friends are good.

Friends are all right.

Thank you, friends.

(inspired by "Yellow", a picture taken by my best-friend and sent to me via e-mail while she's in San Fran on vacation with her family)

i see you too

i see you

i see you
and what i see amazes me
through your deep brown eyes, i see your passionate heart
so deep with compassion and love
i see you

beyond your glittery smile, i see a white glowing aura
so endlessly giving and nurturing
i see you

from the whisper of your words, i see a treasure
so spiritually connected and a gifted soul
i see you

surrounded by your arms, i see a friend
so generous and forever loyal
i see you

in the strength in your arms, i see a fighter
so courageous and brave, a hero to most
i see you

inside the chair you sit in, i see a remarkable person
so authentic and real, unwavering
i see you

and above it all,
i see you
i see you

i see you Camile!




your soul sister, your kindred spirit
with all my love,
~ nancy sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The above poem was written to me by my soul sister, my kindred spirit.  I have lots of friends, and feel extremely blessed that way.  Nancy, however, is a very special so(u)l.  She says I inspire her, and in truth, she inspires me right back.  Our dynamic is unexplainable, silent and intense.  It may even be a bit eerie at times.  I wanted to pay her a tribute.  I am not great at poems, but very good at opening up my heart.  This is for you, my dear friend.

you see me

you see me

what you see is a perfect reflection of you

a life unfolding, questioning, searching

a once wounded heart, healing with grace

behind the laughter, many tears have been shed

behind the hope, many anguished moments

behind the sweet vulnerability, the heart of a warrior

i see you too


a loving mother, a relentless fighter, a passionate lover
a dedicated friend, a seeker of justice, an inquisitive soul
i see me in my so(u)l sister's body


you see me, Nancy, but I see you too
through your eyes, i began to see me too
see you too


thank you, my friend, your kindness has blessed me
and your courageous style has moved me
thank you, kindred so(u)l, for always seeing me


Love you.  
Camile

Astoundingly Grateful

The first words that came to mind as I started to type were, "I'm astonished at the events that have unfolded in the past week."  As soon as I started typing that statement, it didn't ring true.  To say that I am astonished is to contradict everything I'm about to write in this blog.  The correct word is "GRATEFUL."  The events that have unfolded feel part of my life's plan.  So, I'm not astonished, I'm simply grateful they are manifesting in my life.

In December, when I broke my leg and felt completely defeated, I heard a voice speaking to me saying, "Don't judge or attach yourself to what's happening around you... Wait and see."  I recognized that voice and trusted it.  I waited and eventually, I saw.  I saw with my heart's eyes that my latest test was of very significant value.  From then on, steadily, the Universe has conspired in my favor and at first, I do admit, I was astonished at all the beautiful gifts and wishes that were coming true in my life.  The astonishment, however, only detached me from the harmonious flow in which these gifts were appearing, and slowed their manifestations.  I didn't realize it then.

In June, after attending Hay House's Writers Workshop and meeting incredible light beings, I was overwhelmed and scared of the endless possibilities that lay ahead of me.  I held on tight to an "unworthy" belief of myself, doubting that I would ever be capable of achieving anything I aspired to.  After coming home, Facebook re-united many of the attendees of that workshop and I began to see that maybe I had some potential.  Camile Araujo - The Voice Within was created.  It was time to start honoring my beautiful, guiding voice. 

Over a month ago, I started getting some "coaching" from Vanessa Talbot to optimize my potential as a writer.  This coaching has not only helped me soar to new levels with the writing, but with my life as well.  Once, through an email, she mentioned the Universal Laws, and if I minded working with her following those guidelines.  Because of that mention, I bought a book which is a textbook on The Universal Laws and what they mean.  For a bit less than a month, I've tried to live my life while applying those laws everyday.  Not to my surprise, the situations that have risen from unexpected occasions, since then, are nothing more than confirmation that I'm on the right track.

Last week was a bit of an emotional high for me.  I have crossed paths with amazing human beings, that I know make part of my continued-extended family... for ever.  At first, I felt overwhelmed and, yes, astounded, however, within days, I remembered to apply the knowledge I had gained in the past month and I surrendered to everything that was happening.  It was clear.  Life is unfolding exactly the way it is supposed to.  Amazing grace.  Einstein once said "There are two ways to live your life - one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle."  Life is a miracle in itself, so why wouldn't everything that happens in it be a miracle as well?

So, you see, astonishment no longer describes the feelings inside of me when I see miracles happening everyday.  I'm just astoundingly grateful for them.

Like A Hummingbird....

Ever since I can remember, I always wished God would give me wings.  I recall praying at night as a little girl and ending each prayer with "God, please, don't forget my wings." 

I love to fly.  I wish I could literally fly. 

Perhaps, it is the sense of freedom flying implies that attracts me so much.  Maybe, it's my rebel nature in love with the opportunity to defy gravity.  I think, however, what attracts me most to the idea of being able to fly is the fact that I'd be able to see the world from up above.  I'd be able to remind myself, whenever I wished, how small we really are and how truly beautiful the Earth is.  Nevertheless, all three reasons still draw me to the idea that humans should have wings.  I'm not sure how many of us would appreciate them, but I know I would, I would fly to all corners of the world and when I got tired, I'd come back to Earth to rest, eager to fly some more. 

For a little while now, I've been thinking of getting a tattoo.  I'm still not sure that I will, but I'm thinking about it.  I have thought of a butterfly, I've thought of Sanskrit sayings, I've tried to figure out what would represent me in many ways...

Recently, I asked my friend Lily to paint me a picture.  She's an incredible artist and I'm extremely attracted to her style.  She's gifted beyond words, and I asked her to surprise me.  She did.  I don't have the painting yet (she's not done), but she told me she was painting me a hummingbird.  I didn't know how to feel about it, because I've seen her other paintings and I wasn't sure if I wanted the picture of a hummingbird in my house.  I asked her what the meaning behind it was, and she explained, "Remember I told you that the hummingbird is the only bird that has legs but cannot walk, it flies all the time and stops to rest. They are so beautiful and graceful too. Think of the hummingbird like your creativity/mind, allowing you to do everything you want to do even though you cannot walk."

There was my answer.  If I decide to go through with the tattoo, that is what I will get.  A hummingbird, "the flower-kissers" of the skies.  God, finally, answered my childhood prayer.  Because of my friend Lily, I, now, have wings.  I'm like a hummingbird. 

My First Blog Award

Today I was awarded my first blog award by my very special friend, Nancy. She awarded me The Inspiration Award... So, this blog is devoted to thank her.

I thank you, my friend. You, in small subtle ways, have made a huge difference in my life. Simply, by just believing in me and accepting me, you have helped me believe and accept myself. Thank you for seeing me the way you do. I am my own worst critic, and it grounds me to know that by simply doing what I have to do to get by everyday, I inspire you.

Because of your award and a conversation with someone else earlier this morning, I realized that I am exactly where and whom I am supposed to be. I have decided to dedicate my life helping others achieve their highest potentials, because nothing is impossible. How will I do that? I don't really know. I do know that it will come to me, just like everything else has made its way to me my whole life. I think I have finally accepted the final challenge. This is it. It is what it is.

This award encourages me to keep writing and spilling my guts about me and my everyday life. If I can inspire you by just being me, then, I feel extremely accomplished and very humbled to have touched you.

You rock, soul-sista!

His Holiness The Dalai Lama - II

I don't even know where to start. Seeing The Dalai Lama was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. He is a well of wisdom and humility. The audience hung on to his every word and although at times he had difficulty expressing himself in English, his personal assistant would help him, and the message never changed, love. Unfortunately, I was only able to attend the morning show, which was on Global Responsibility.

His approach to life is simple. We are all the same. The moment we look within and hang on to our basic moral values, we will learn to love ourselves first and love our brothers and sisters - the rest of humanity. Hearing the Dalai Lama speak was refreshing. His eternal patience with our western culture and his profound knowledge of the human spirit shone right through his aura. He humbly got on stage, sat on his chair, took off his flip flops, crossed his legs and waited until all the formal introductions were over, before he filled our hearts and minds with his experiences and taught us that love and respect have no boundaries.

At the time of the Q & A's, he put on his little red visor and answered each question thoroughly. The first question was "Who do you admire?" His answer touched me and my friend deeply, because of its simplicity and truth. He said "I admire my mother. She taught me to be kind, because that is what her face always showed, kindness."

Until Tuesday, I never defined myself as anything religious. Although, I am constantly searching for spirituality and trying to live my life by the laws of unconditional love, if I had to choose a philosophy to live by, it would most definitely be Buddhism. Its way of living rings true in my heart. And, after hearing the Dalai Lama, even more so.

Thank you so much, Nancy, for thinking of me when you got your tickets. I am honored that you gave me that opportunity and forever grateful. It was an unforgettable experience!

His Holiness The Dalai Lama

Six months ago, I made a change in my life. I began to educate myself in Eastern Philosophies. Along with reading and researching, I began to practice meditation with Yoga Nidra. It has been an amazing experience. Even though I slipped off my positive pattern for a while, the moment I started it again, I came right back to the place inside myself where I find all my answers. I must admit that it has been a challenge to remain completely focused these past couple of months and truly believe that things will get better. However, I practice meditation relentlessly, I figured that if it does not do me any good, it won't do me any harm either. At the end of all my sessions, though, I come out refreshed. Except lately, that I caught a horrible cold, my breathing is off and I can't seem to quiet my mind... I guess it's true what they say... "Mental health begins with physical health."

Anyway, as I drowned myself into Eastern wisdom, I began to watch many documentaries on Buddhism, Hinduism, The Tao, etc., and their respective teachers. In the process, I decided I was going to go to India for two weeks to a silent spiritual retreat. I befriended two people from the place I chose, who are two of the most loving human beings I have ever met, and although we have only met through email, whenever we communicate I can feel their love emitting from the computer screen. They are the owners of Z Meditation, located in Dharamsala, India.

While watching a documentary about H.H. The Dalai Lama, I discovered that he resides in Dharamsala and decided to write his office an email requesting a private audience with him. Much to my surprise, they replied, denying my request very politely due to H.H. health and age issues. Ironically, I was supposed to be coming back from India tomorrow. I couldn't go due to the unfortunate events of the past couple of months. About a month ago, my friend Nancy posted on her facebook status that she was going to see The Dalai Lama, because he was going to be in Florida for a visit. Well.... to make a long story longer... I'm going to see him too!!! My wonderful friend Nancy got me a ticket to go with her to the morning session, and I didn't have to travel 5,000 miles to Dharamsala to see him after all. Although, I still plan to attend the retreat at a later date.

Meeting H.H. will be an honor and a complete humbling experience. Aside from that, I got the clear to start weight-bearing on my leg again, so walking on braces is no longer a distant dream, but a very near reality... finally! It's been a long, arduous road... Sometimes I fell victim to my mind's games and tricks, but it seems like things are slowly falling back into place.

I'll be back very soon to talk about my Dalai Lama experience.

A Rose to a Rose

As Reported In The SF Chronicle

If you read the front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle on Thursday, Dec 15, 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

The fifty-foot whale was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her her tail, her torso and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her - a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around - she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate in the New Year -to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

Today, my hairdresser came to my house to do my hair because she knows I am unable to drive to the salon, due to my leg. She knows how anal I am about my hair and nails. She came, did my hair, and charged me nothing. She said to me when she was done "no way, i was going to let you feel ugly when so much has happened to you already, it's my pleasure."

I am so grateful for countless blessings in my life, today was just an example. It may be something insignificant to some people, but it means the world to me that people care about me and go out of their way to help make me feel better.

Like today, my life has been filled with simple, genuine moments like this one. Unexpectedly, angels make themselves visible to remind me that they are always around. There is an enormous list of people to whom I can write endless thank you's, today it goes to Rose, my hair dresser.