Who Are You?... Without Your Story

I'll start this without much introduction about the title and jump right on to the meaty stuff that I've been thinking about for quite a bit.

Who am I? Who am I without my story?

It was so hard.. let me rephrase this, it is so hard to answer this question. One, because I don't think there is a finite answer to it. It constantly changes. Two, because I haven't even begun scratching the surface of the deep truth that lies deep within me and which I can articulate with ease to anyone. I'm still on the quest.

I'm going through so many changes (internal mostly) in my life that there are very few seconds not spent in self-examination, sometimes driving my family a bit bonkers and my friends too. I'm curious, though. Who am I really?

As humans our relationships are built upon our resonance to each other, most of the time because of the stories we have to tell about our lives. We see each other in each other's struggles and victories. We are reminded that we are not alone by knowing others who are on similar paths as we.  What would happen if we all got amnesia? What would happen if a handful of us lost everything we define ourselves by – family, jobs, material possessions, friends, looks.. Who would we be?

About a month or so ago, I mentioned to a great friend that I had begun to shed my story.  She thought I related having a story to being a victim.  At the moment, I couldn't really articulate what I thought about my "shedding of my story", but I knew that it had nothing to do with feeling like a victim.  Now I know exactly what it is that I wanted to shed... a label. The one which I perceive to be imposed on me. "The girl in the wheelchair who is so inspirational, strong, defiant, etc." or "The girl in the wheelchair, wow, so young, what a tragedy, such a wasted life." There are more versions and they all vary according to the person's own projections and fears when they see me or talk to me along with my own perceptions of them. I would love, however, to meet with 100 random strangers through a wall and have them range in age, race, gender, education, beliefs, values, backgrounds and all that good stuff. After speaking to me for 60 minutes about anything they wanted, I'd like them to describe me as they envisioned me in their head only based on our conversation.. I wonder how they'd describe me and I wonder how I'd describe them.

What I'm trying to say is that the fateful accident that changed my life was only an event. I was changed physically, physiologically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually as it also affected me socially and financially. Was it a tragedy? NO.  Was it a blessing? Well, I like to answer that by saying that I wouldn't change one single thing about it because I wouldn't be where I am in life if it were not for the event taking place.

I'm still thinking about this question. I write tirelessly in my journal about it. Sometimes a bunch of scribble-scrabble. Others some really insightful words. What I have begun to discover is that there is a place inside of me where all things are possible. It goes beyond the physical, emotional, charged matter we carry in our daily lives. It's a place so pure, so sacred and I have only been able to reach it twice. These mere glimpses have quieted my anxiety to find the answer. It has actually taught me that in the journey there is more to come. I'm still discovering all that I can be without a story. Without the charged drama. Without the limiting box around me. I am...

Inside of me there is a space where all evolution has taken place. A place where I can relate to the stars. I can understand the love affair between the Earth and the Sun. A place where no words are necessary to explain who I am. It is all there. There is no story defining it. No label claiming it. It's as silent as the vacuum in outer space.

There is no story really.  Just a set of events interconnected to set me free from my own preconceived notions and biases. So much more self-examinations ahead, I know. But, the further I delve into the unknown to find those answers, I realize that that which I am is much simpler than any persona I have tried to be and incorporate in my entire life. So much simpler.

A Little Morning Gratitude

I woke up inspired today.  I woke up with a purpose.  I am not surprised and am not shameful about it either.  Normally, I would float around my cloud 9 throughout the whole entire day, feeling invincible and craving to hold on to this magnificent feeling for as long as I could.  Since, I have gone through what I have gone through the past three weeks, I found it wise to ground myself, and the best way I know how to do that is meditate on the things I'm very grateful for.

If it weren't for these things/people/situations in my life, I wouldn't be where and who I am today.

I implemented mediation as a constant in my life in mid 2009.  It has brought me many benefits, most importantly, it has connected me to my inner-self more than I could imagine.  Now, meditating on gratitude seems almost natural.  All the things/people/situations I am grateful for pop up in my head and touch my heart so deeply almost instantly.  This practice has helped me balance out the dopamine high that I often craved and sought after for so long, thinking that it was the way it HAD to be.  I was wrong.  Dopamine is great, but I understand it's temporary, and trying to be high on it all the time is an illusion.  Did I wake up feeling great?  Yes.  Would I like to wake up with so much energy and disposition everyday?  Absolutely.  I prefer, however, to resort to what I have learned.. Equilibrium.  I'm grateful for feeling this way today, but the meditation this morning was more powerful and it helped me balance out the little high I was feeling and helped me focus on the "stuff" I still need to work on to achieve my ultimate goals..

Here is a list of the major things that came up during my gratitude meditation this morning:

• Anastasia
• Mom
• Brother
• Sister
• Husband
• Josie
• Stepson
• Step dad
• Extended family
• Sylwia
• Breathing
• Talking
• Rain
• My short hair (don't know why this came up, but I'm very grateful to have had the courage to cut my hair)
• Start of my self-discovery process
• Friends
• April Claxton for keeping me in check when I invaded her FB profile page with my own set on values without thinking of how I could be affecting her and the ones who follow her inspirational page.. Loved that she reached out and put me in my place! Thank you, April
• Grateful to a certain person, who will remain nameless for now, for writing me an email that at first I viewed as insulting, delusional and unnecessary.  After applying what I learned on the Breakthrough seminar, and collapsed the person and the email, I realized how important and vital that email was to me at the point in my life.  She checked me back into place as well, she brought balance and order to my life and I don't think she will ever realize what a benefit that was to me.  For that, I am grateful.

That was the list that repeated itself this morning, and I felt they should be recognized because, when one feels pure gratitude towards something, he/she accepts it as a whole, the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, the pretty with the ugly, etc.. Love is present.

Thank you.

His Holiness The Dalai Lama

Six months ago, I made a change in my life. I began to educate myself in Eastern Philosophies. Along with reading and researching, I began to practice meditation with Yoga Nidra. It has been an amazing experience. Even though I slipped off my positive pattern for a while, the moment I started it again, I came right back to the place inside myself where I find all my answers. I must admit that it has been a challenge to remain completely focused these past couple of months and truly believe that things will get better. However, I practice meditation relentlessly, I figured that if it does not do me any good, it won't do me any harm either. At the end of all my sessions, though, I come out refreshed. Except lately, that I caught a horrible cold, my breathing is off and I can't seem to quiet my mind... I guess it's true what they say... "Mental health begins with physical health."

Anyway, as I drowned myself into Eastern wisdom, I began to watch many documentaries on Buddhism, Hinduism, The Tao, etc., and their respective teachers. In the process, I decided I was going to go to India for two weeks to a silent spiritual retreat. I befriended two people from the place I chose, who are two of the most loving human beings I have ever met, and although we have only met through email, whenever we communicate I can feel their love emitting from the computer screen. They are the owners of Z Meditation, located in Dharamsala, India.

While watching a documentary about H.H. The Dalai Lama, I discovered that he resides in Dharamsala and decided to write his office an email requesting a private audience with him. Much to my surprise, they replied, denying my request very politely due to H.H. health and age issues. Ironically, I was supposed to be coming back from India tomorrow. I couldn't go due to the unfortunate events of the past couple of months. About a month ago, my friend Nancy posted on her facebook status that she was going to see The Dalai Lama, because he was going to be in Florida for a visit. Well.... to make a long story longer... I'm going to see him too!!! My wonderful friend Nancy got me a ticket to go with her to the morning session, and I didn't have to travel 5,000 miles to Dharamsala to see him after all. Although, I still plan to attend the retreat at a later date.

Meeting H.H. will be an honor and a complete humbling experience. Aside from that, I got the clear to start weight-bearing on my leg again, so walking on braces is no longer a distant dream, but a very near reality... finally! It's been a long, arduous road... Sometimes I fell victim to my mind's games and tricks, but it seems like things are slowly falling back into place.

I'll be back very soon to talk about my Dalai Lama experience.