Full Circle Moment

It's a nice feeling when we experience full circle moments in life, no matter how small the circumference of that circle may be.  It means closure of some type.  Exorcism of non-existent head ghosts.  It's a way of you ending up at the same place you began, with a renewed sense of understanding, a fresh pair of eyes and complete shifted paradigm.  That's what a full circle moment means to me.  That's what happened to me yesterday morning.

Exactly 5 1/2 years ago, I was transported to Jackson Memorial Hospital Ryder Trauma Center after my car accident.  I was in a coma for six weeks and dealt with life-threatening injuries that would not subdue during those six weeks, and a couple more to follow.  The staff at Trauma ICU saved my life.  I coded three times while I was under, and when I woke up, they always made me feel like I mattered.  I wasn't just another body occupying bed space.  They called me by my first name, explained everything they did to me - step by step.  The work they do is often unrecognized and yesterday morning the police department I worked for honored them with an award for saving the lives of so many Police Officers who have gone through the Trauma Unit, and also for the relentless work they do on the ones that end up transitioning.

It was emotional to hear the words of MDPD Director James Loftus as he thanked the staff and presented them with the plaque.  Sitting in the media room, in my wheelchair, surrounded by all the brass from the department and some very close friends, I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for my life.  For everything I went through, what I have overcome and what it has taught me.  Most importantly, I felt grateful for the relationships that remain in my life as proof of this full circle moment.  The people who have stuck by me, through thick and thin, are the reason I have gathered the strength to keep going forward and fight whatever battle awaited me.  It has finally come to a point where the battles have become less and less, and I'm going with the flow of life.  As the presentation ended and we went outside for pictures and interviews from local media, I looked around and felt grateful for having been part of the police family too.  There were two major ghosts that haunted me before.  One, going back to the Trauma center of the hospital; and, two, facing the department as a whole and dealing with the feelings that the reunion might cause inside of me.  I must say it was nothing like I expected.  I felt happy, proud, tranquil and accomplished.  It felt natural to be there yesterday as I was.  MDPD will always have a special place in my heart.  Although, I am retired from the department, I still feel part of a big, strong family.

The medical staff at Jackson on the left and all the police officers who have been treated at JMH Trauma on the right.

With Assistant Director Naim Erched, a great person and a friend as well.

With MDPD Director Jim Loftus.

With my brother from another mother, Det. Greg Louis, Lt. Hellman, my sister from another mister, Det. Kristy Kitts, Det. Will (don't know his last name - sorry, Will), and Det. Michael Scott (who never worked at Dundler Mifflin.)

My (real) brother came with me, but he is a bit camera shy and conveniently disappeared when the camera(s) would come around.  Below, however is a shot of him next to me and A.D. Erched in the hospital's media room while we waited for the presentation to start.

Thank you JMH Trauma Staff for saving my life and the lives of countless other officers and citizens of our community.  God bless you all.

Click on the link below to see bits and pieces of the presentation from yesterday.

CBS LOCAL NEWS - MDPD HONORS RYDER TRAUMA MEDICAL STAFF

An Homage to Those Who Help Me Listen Better...

It's not abnormal for all of us to go through times in life when we feel a little "off."

I've gone through many "off" periods in my life.  Looking back, I have realized a pattern.  There was always somebody there at the right time helping me deal with the situation, whether they were solicited by me or not.  It has never failed.  The times when the help came solicited, it was welcomed with open arms, ears, eyes and heart.  However, when it crept up on me unexpectedly, these poor people suffered the brunt of my highly-defensive ego.  Nevertheless, they have stuck with me.  They have loved me, cherished me, supported me and fought for my right to be true to myself (even when I didn't know how to do it or what that meant).  It is time they are no longer unsung heroes of mine.  I plan to praise them highly here.

I have a feeling that this will be part 1 of several blogs paying homage to these angels on Earth.  Lately, I have been going through many self-discovery, self-reflection and self-adjustment moments.  I also understand that these cycles will continually repeat themselves in my life.  Before, I thought that asking for guidance and help from someone during these cycles would diminish the perception people had of me:  strong and resilient.  I have recently learned that I vainly attached to those labels and NO ONE ever asked me to be those things.  I demanded them from myself.  EVERYONE, however, has always accepted me for ME.  And, because of this unconditional act of love I have witnessed over and over in my life, I have learned to accept myself as well - strong, weak, happy, sad, extroverted, introverted, care-free, pre-occupied, beautiful, ugly.. the list is endless.  "No matter what I have done or do, I am worthy of love." - Dr. Demartini (I love that quote).

Once I started understanding the "nothing is wasted" theory and seeing it being played out in my own life, I found the place inside me where only gratitude and love reside.  There is no accident or coincidence.  Life happens the way it is supposed to, no matter which road you choose.  The quantum leaps we make in life will occur regardless.  The only thing that will take an impact by our daily choices is how fast the leaps happen.  We are all moving towards our truth.  Individually and collectively.  I am deeply humbled by the infinite manifestation of love and support in my life.  These manifestations come in many forms, and as I mentioned earlier, I'd like to take some time today to acknowledge the people in my life for now.

This is my "thank you" letter to these several people.  Without you, I would not be the person I am.  Although, I withdraw quite often from the world to spend time with myself.  All of you are always present in my mind, and most importantly in my heart.  I will refrain from posting names on this first blog, as there are many people I wish to recognize.  I know that most of the ones I am referring to in this homage will know it in their hearts that this is for them.

In upcoming writings, I will address either one at a time or several at a time.  I hope to give their contribution to my betterment all the justice it deserves.  And, I know that the attention span of an average blog reader is not that long, I would like for the readers to get really acquainted with these people.  Hence, for several forth-coming parts.

Much love, blessings and grace to all you readers!

i see you too

i see you

i see you
and what i see amazes me
through your deep brown eyes, i see your passionate heart
so deep with compassion and love
i see you

beyond your glittery smile, i see a white glowing aura
so endlessly giving and nurturing
i see you

from the whisper of your words, i see a treasure
so spiritually connected and a gifted soul
i see you

surrounded by your arms, i see a friend
so generous and forever loyal
i see you

in the strength in your arms, i see a fighter
so courageous and brave, a hero to most
i see you

inside the chair you sit in, i see a remarkable person
so authentic and real, unwavering
i see you

and above it all,
i see you
i see you

i see you Camile!




your soul sister, your kindred spirit
with all my love,
~ nancy sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The above poem was written to me by my soul sister, my kindred spirit.  I have lots of friends, and feel extremely blessed that way.  Nancy, however, is a very special so(u)l.  She says I inspire her, and in truth, she inspires me right back.  Our dynamic is unexplainable, silent and intense.  It may even be a bit eerie at times.  I wanted to pay her a tribute.  I am not great at poems, but very good at opening up my heart.  This is for you, my dear friend.

you see me

you see me

what you see is a perfect reflection of you

a life unfolding, questioning, searching

a once wounded heart, healing with grace

behind the laughter, many tears have been shed

behind the hope, many anguished moments

behind the sweet vulnerability, the heart of a warrior

i see you too


a loving mother, a relentless fighter, a passionate lover
a dedicated friend, a seeker of justice, an inquisitive soul
i see me in my so(u)l sister's body


you see me, Nancy, but I see you too
through your eyes, i began to see me too
see you too


thank you, my friend, your kindness has blessed me
and your courageous style has moved me
thank you, kindred so(u)l, for always seeing me


Love you.  
Camile