Who Are You?... Without Your Story

I'll start this without much introduction about the title and jump right on to the meaty stuff that I've been thinking about for quite a bit.

Who am I? Who am I without my story?

It was so hard.. let me rephrase this, it is so hard to answer this question. One, because I don't think there is a finite answer to it. It constantly changes. Two, because I haven't even begun scratching the surface of the deep truth that lies deep within me and which I can articulate with ease to anyone. I'm still on the quest.

I'm going through so many changes (internal mostly) in my life that there are very few seconds not spent in self-examination, sometimes driving my family a bit bonkers and my friends too. I'm curious, though. Who am I really?

As humans our relationships are built upon our resonance to each other, most of the time because of the stories we have to tell about our lives. We see each other in each other's struggles and victories. We are reminded that we are not alone by knowing others who are on similar paths as we.  What would happen if we all got amnesia? What would happen if a handful of us lost everything we define ourselves by – family, jobs, material possessions, friends, looks.. Who would we be?

About a month or so ago, I mentioned to a great friend that I had begun to shed my story.  She thought I related having a story to being a victim.  At the moment, I couldn't really articulate what I thought about my "shedding of my story", but I knew that it had nothing to do with feeling like a victim.  Now I know exactly what it is that I wanted to shed... a label. The one which I perceive to be imposed on me. "The girl in the wheelchair who is so inspirational, strong, defiant, etc." or "The girl in the wheelchair, wow, so young, what a tragedy, such a wasted life." There are more versions and they all vary according to the person's own projections and fears when they see me or talk to me along with my own perceptions of them. I would love, however, to meet with 100 random strangers through a wall and have them range in age, race, gender, education, beliefs, values, backgrounds and all that good stuff. After speaking to me for 60 minutes about anything they wanted, I'd like them to describe me as they envisioned me in their head only based on our conversation.. I wonder how they'd describe me and I wonder how I'd describe them.

What I'm trying to say is that the fateful accident that changed my life was only an event. I was changed physically, physiologically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually as it also affected me socially and financially. Was it a tragedy? NO.  Was it a blessing? Well, I like to answer that by saying that I wouldn't change one single thing about it because I wouldn't be where I am in life if it were not for the event taking place.

I'm still thinking about this question. I write tirelessly in my journal about it. Sometimes a bunch of scribble-scrabble. Others some really insightful words. What I have begun to discover is that there is a place inside of me where all things are possible. It goes beyond the physical, emotional, charged matter we carry in our daily lives. It's a place so pure, so sacred and I have only been able to reach it twice. These mere glimpses have quieted my anxiety to find the answer. It has actually taught me that in the journey there is more to come. I'm still discovering all that I can be without a story. Without the charged drama. Without the limiting box around me. I am...

Inside of me there is a space where all evolution has taken place. A place where I can relate to the stars. I can understand the love affair between the Earth and the Sun. A place where no words are necessary to explain who I am. It is all there. There is no story defining it. No label claiming it. It's as silent as the vacuum in outer space.

There is no story really.  Just a set of events interconnected to set me free from my own preconceived notions and biases. So much more self-examinations ahead, I know. But, the further I delve into the unknown to find those answers, I realize that that which I am is much simpler than any persona I have tried to be and incorporate in my entire life. So much simpler.

Naughty and Nice

As I move on forward, sideways, and sometimes backwards in the path of my own life, I have learned that I am both, naughty and nice.  For over 30 years I thought that my "job" was to eradicate the naughtiness in me and let niceness come through full blown.  I felt as if it were my duty to be nice without trying hard.  Live in a state of nirvana, achieve a state of complete compassion and be the walking definition of positivity. Well, I have come to a well thought-out conclusion...fuck that.

This discovery of mine started last year when I began integrating the word authenticity in my vocabulary to describe my own life... "being true to myself."  Then, this year, the revelation was confirmed.  Not only do I have ALL of the traits inside of me, I am still an extraordinary person because of it.  There is a great quote that I came across a long time ago, written by an unknown author, and the line of the quote that caught my attention at the time was the following:

"...You have to take the good with the bad.. never regret..."

I am all the traits you can think of and possibly a little bit more.  And, no matter what name someone might call me, I may just reply, "Yes, I'm that, too."  I understand that I oscillate towards some traits at times, and other times towards others.  For a very long time, I battled with myself when I felt pulled towards what we, as society, perceive as "negative."  I remember the first year that I got hurt and flew to Brazil to have tracheal surgery (I did that because the doctors I had here at the time wanted to butcher me in order to fix my tracheal stenosis problem, in Brazil, my family found a doctor who fixed the problem without any scalpels and the results were immediate.)  While in Brazil, the surgery kept on being post-poned due to several infections I had in my body at the time.  My will to fight was running very thin and all around me, people would say repeatedly, "You are so strong."  Unable to talk at the time, my eyes would tear up, and I just wanted to yell at that absurdity.. "I AM NOT STRONG.  I JUST HAVE NO CHOICE, BUT TO TAKE WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN TO ME, AT THIS TIME."  I was pissed off, not strong.

Going back to the time when I was in Brazil waiting for my tracheal surgery, I reflect on how every single trait existent in the world has been inside me all along.  I just repressed the "bad" ones for fear of being judged.  During the same time, a long term friendship came to an end, and it was then, that it became obvious that I AM a carrier of all traits.  A couple of emails have been exchanged with this person, the most recent one is from April of this year, the list below depicts how this person views me:

• Liar
• Passive-aggressive
• Conniving
• Manipulative
• Jealous
• Shallow
• Sad
• Desperate
• Ill-Intentioned
• Stupid
• Ridiculous 

Is this person wrong? No. From this person's perspective I am all of those things.  Perception is definitely reality, and this is who I am in his/hers.  Interesting, however, is that at the same time I received emails from this person pointing out these traits of mine, someone else at the same exact moment was boosting me up for being:

• Trustworthy
• Inspirational
• Kind
• Compassionate
• Enlightened
• Happy
• Positive
• Optimistic
• Focused
• Great mother
• Beautiful
• Fighter

Am I naughty? Yes.  Am I nice? Yes.  And I love who I am.  I am grateful for the person that I have turned out to be.  I am grateful to those in my corner and to those who remind me of the "nemesis'"traits.. At the end, all of the traits, whether they are labeled positive or negative, balance me.  And, that is my ultimate quest now... EQUILIBRIUM.  An atom is not an atom without its positive and negative sub-particles.  We are the same.  Good to know we are whole and in sync with the Universe just the way we are.

How about you, are you naughty or nice?

Living My Element With Sylwia - Day 63-76 (Flying Trapeze)

During this period, I had a huge epiphany.  It's as if all the little whispers I had been getting from my body and all the information I have been receiving from Sylwia connected.  My body knows what it wants.  It asks for it.  I feel it.  I can feel it if I give it a chance to speak to me.  It's pretty amazing.  There's no set way  except BEING KIND to it.  My body needs kindness... from me, especially me.  It's been such a revealing epiphany.  Simple and profound.

As I spoke to dear Sylwia yesterday, our conversation reverted to my anxieties... Ones that I have been shoveling down with sugar fixes.  The more I discover and conquer a tiny area of my life, another one unfolds in the dark.  To make it clear and bright requires work from my part and digging into myself again. The work is relentless.  I'm not afraid of the work so much, but I admit I am afraid of finding out that what I think I know about myself isn't 100% congruent with my priorities at all.  A tiny tinge of fear lingers inside me.. "Am I doing the right thing?  Am I saying the right words?  Am I being true to myself?"  Those are the questions that haunt me during the night and wake me up from a sound sleep.  They bombard my head while I play with my daughter making me second guess my job as a mother.  They nag at me while I interact with others, making me doubt the person I say I am.  "Who am I?"  That is the ultimate quest and question.

The certainty of something sometimes slips away and leaves me with this vast void of unsureness.  I look around and evaluate my life.. There is no room for unsureness.  As Sylwia told me last night.. "Maybe your body is asking for a break."  I think she's right.  It's time to reconnect.  Cease the intellectual from taking over and let the heart do some exploring.  Allow the soul to soar and re-discover, re-create itself.  My endless attachment to the ego can subside once in a while.  I understand that the fear to let go of what is known and dive into the unknown is not only a fear of mine; it is a fear that is shared amongst all of us who dare to become more, do more, learn more.. infinitely.  I realize and accept my duty to peel off each layer of myself until my vulnerable core is exposed, no smoking veil to hide it.  At this core, where I am my truest self, I am.  I do.  I have.  So many factors play together, it is soothing to know there is always time.

After our healing conversation (in more ways than I can express, and she can possibly imagine) Sylwia sent me this beautiful piece.. I read.  I cried.  I began to reconnect.

The Flying Trapeze 

Sometimes, I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments, I'm hurdling across space between the trapeze bars.

Mostly, I spend my time hanging on for dear life to the trapeze bar of the moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control. I know most of the right questions, and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily, or not so merrily, swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? 

I see another trapeze bar looking at me. It's empty. And I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present well-known bar to move to the new one.

Each time it happens, I hope—no, I pray—that I won't have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moments in time I must hurtle across space before I can grab the new bar. Each time I do this I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurdles I have always made it. 

Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless basin between the bars. 

But I do it anyway. I must.

Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call faith. No guarantees, no net, no insurance, but we do it anyway because hanging on to that old bar is no longer an option. And so, for what seems to be an eternity but actually lasts a microsecond. I soar across the dark void called "the past is over, the future is not yet here." It's called a transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are the illusions we dream up to not notice the void. Yes, with all the fear that can accompany transitions, they are still the most vibrant, growth-filled, passionate moments in our lives.

And so transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang out" in the transition zone -- between the trapeze bars -- allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. 

Hurdling through the void, we just may learn to fly.

Living My Element With Sylwia - Day 26-27

As much as I wanted to skip writing about the past couple of days, I decided that my commitment to this lifestyle change works both ways.  I cannot only boast about the good days.  I need to be honest about the crappy days too.

I ate crappy for two days.  I'm talking about greasy, sugary, salty crappy.  Not proud of it... But.. it happened.  As I'm writing about it now, I can totally understand why I made such bad choices.  Wow!  I completely disconnected from myself for the past 48 hours for some personal reasons and subconsciously ran to the wrong type of food.  My comfort food.  Very interesting that I'm making this connection now.

I'm thinking that I might need to commit myself in a much deeper level than I thought I needed.  I need to have a present state of mind EVERY SECOND.  I'm easily distracted, and I know the all the mommies out there can agree with me.  It's hard to keep track of you when you have your heart walking around outside your body.  Looking at it from a different angle, I'm glad I relapsed.  It was a way to bring me back to focus and my own center.

My days have been completely consumed with raising Anastasia and still aiming to feel complete from my last pneumonia episode.  I'm not feeling the exercising urge yet, and I believe that I'm punishing myself quietly for it.. by eating junk.  Water has been my best friend!  At least that.  Sylwia sent me a book that she says inspired her to begin exercising.. I'll start reading it very soon.

I'm relieved that I don't feel like erasing these past 2 days from history anymore.  Just by opening up about it a little helped me go a tad deeper into myself and see what the real reason behind me giving into the food that doesn't do me any good.