Naughty and Nice

As I move on forward, sideways, and sometimes backwards in the path of my own life, I have learned that I am both, naughty and nice.  For over 30 years I thought that my "job" was to eradicate the naughtiness in me and let niceness come through full blown.  I felt as if it were my duty to be nice without trying hard.  Live in a state of nirvana, achieve a state of complete compassion and be the walking definition of positivity. Well, I have come to a well thought-out conclusion...fuck that.

This discovery of mine started last year when I began integrating the word authenticity in my vocabulary to describe my own life... "being true to myself."  Then, this year, the revelation was confirmed.  Not only do I have ALL of the traits inside of me, I am still an extraordinary person because of it.  There is a great quote that I came across a long time ago, written by an unknown author, and the line of the quote that caught my attention at the time was the following:

"...You have to take the good with the bad.. never regret..."

I am all the traits you can think of and possibly a little bit more.  And, no matter what name someone might call me, I may just reply, "Yes, I'm that, too."  I understand that I oscillate towards some traits at times, and other times towards others.  For a very long time, I battled with myself when I felt pulled towards what we, as society, perceive as "negative."  I remember the first year that I got hurt and flew to Brazil to have tracheal surgery (I did that because the doctors I had here at the time wanted to butcher me in order to fix my tracheal stenosis problem, in Brazil, my family found a doctor who fixed the problem without any scalpels and the results were immediate.)  While in Brazil, the surgery kept on being post-poned due to several infections I had in my body at the time.  My will to fight was running very thin and all around me, people would say repeatedly, "You are so strong."  Unable to talk at the time, my eyes would tear up, and I just wanted to yell at that absurdity.. "I AM NOT STRONG.  I JUST HAVE NO CHOICE, BUT TO TAKE WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN TO ME, AT THIS TIME."  I was pissed off, not strong.

Going back to the time when I was in Brazil waiting for my tracheal surgery, I reflect on how every single trait existent in the world has been inside me all along.  I just repressed the "bad" ones for fear of being judged.  During the same time, a long term friendship came to an end, and it was then, that it became obvious that I AM a carrier of all traits.  A couple of emails have been exchanged with this person, the most recent one is from April of this year, the list below depicts how this person views me:

• Liar
• Passive-aggressive
• Conniving
• Manipulative
• Jealous
• Shallow
• Sad
• Desperate
• Ill-Intentioned
• Stupid
• Ridiculous 

Is this person wrong? No. From this person's perspective I am all of those things.  Perception is definitely reality, and this is who I am in his/hers.  Interesting, however, is that at the same time I received emails from this person pointing out these traits of mine, someone else at the same exact moment was boosting me up for being:

• Trustworthy
• Inspirational
• Kind
• Compassionate
• Enlightened
• Happy
• Positive
• Optimistic
• Focused
• Great mother
• Beautiful
• Fighter

Am I naughty? Yes.  Am I nice? Yes.  And I love who I am.  I am grateful for the person that I have turned out to be.  I am grateful to those in my corner and to those who remind me of the "nemesis'"traits.. At the end, all of the traits, whether they are labeled positive or negative, balance me.  And, that is my ultimate quest now... EQUILIBRIUM.  An atom is not an atom without its positive and negative sub-particles.  We are the same.  Good to know we are whole and in sync with the Universe just the way we are.

How about you, are you naughty or nice?