In Honor of Norway

So often people get trapped into thinking that one person is more spiritual than another because they follow a specific religious dogma or faith, but as I repeatedly say to audiences around the world: Where is God not?

- Dr. John Demartini

After the New York Times confirmed that an Islamic group was behind the Norway bombings, I wept inside.  I follow no religion.  When I'm asked what I believe in, I simply say, I believe in a divine power/order.  Even the word "God" to me sounds a bit dogmatic.  At least in my own head, when I think of "God" I think of an old, white bearded man, watching from above - an image that was implemented in my brain during my elementary school years in a Catholic school in Brazil.  The same school where I saw my father for the last time as he was kidnapped around the corner from it and subsequently shot to death in a nearby empty lot.  I have no religion, but I do have faith.  

Almost 30 years later, I understand many things that I couldn't possibly fathom as a 7 year old, but one thing I knew back then, and still believe in today, no God, in any religion, condones killing of innocent people for his purpose.  With that said, I am a supporter of all people who believe and follow all religions, as long as they respect my choice to not be dogmatic or ritualistic.  I do believe love is the answer and ego gets in the way of many preachers (of all faiths).  

"Today, free government was attacked, freedom of association was attacked, the spirit of youth was attacked. But we will kick back and say that these are values that are dear to us, and we intend to defend them and Norway will be recognizable tomorrow as the Norway our friends and partners around the world have known so far." - Oslo Mayor Fabian Stang

The attack, today, on a country who is so inclined to promote peace brought me back memories of 9/11.  I don't blame the Muslim religion, but I do think a group of fanatics can brain wash young minds and fill them with so much hatred that horrendous acts happen.  It has happened repeatedly in history where a group of people believe to be superior than everybody else and slandering and slaughtering of a race/religious groups/ethnic groups occur.  I find it terribly upsetting and wonder, "Will it ever stop?"  Even though, my cynicism with the world at moments like these overpower my sense of optimism, I desperately strive to believe that "Yes, it will change one day."  As Dr. Demartini eloquently stated, "Where is God not?"  My hope is that one day all groups of all faiths and beliefs will come to this mutual understanding and agreement.  

I pray for all Norwegians and their families tonight.  

 

Where is the light?

Lately, it has been somewhat dark. I have fallen into the depths of my own self-sorrow and am struggling to get out. There is an eternal internal conflict between my heart and my mind. Like two angels, one to my right, and one to my left, contradicting each other. The one on my right laughs at my despair and agony. He laughs at every self-piteous thought and goes on to mock me "hahaha, I knew you couldn't do it" while the one on my left, patiently caresses my hair and says "keep on being patient, you're making it, and no need to complain, you've had worse." While the voice on my left drowns the whispers coming from the right, I am still thankful to hear the whispers. I cannot deny it anymore that it is becoming harder and harder to believe that I will make it. Hope has become a commodity. A precious stone, I so desperately want to hold on to, but sometimes think I am undeserving of it.

I feel I have failed myself. I have failed my family and loved ones. I have failed life. And, I have failed God. I am exhausted. I do not think I can take anymore, accept it, and feel like "it was meant to be" or "there's a reason for everything", so I am now questioning "why?" If there is a purpose for it all, then, it is time for me to start finding some answers. It is time that life starts giving me some signs to guide me to those answers.

I am not confident that I can be the strong person everyone thinks I am. I am tired. I need to be honest with myself and with everyone else, even if it means, I am weak.

I seldom think about the lost dreams and goals of my previous life, because, in truth, they seem like they belonged to someone else. Not me. Lately, however, those ghostly dreams and goals have come back to haunt me, and my antagonizing right side angel has not let me forget them. And, that is when I feel, I have failed life. What's next?

God... well, He and I have had many talks. I really do not think I have failed him, at least not in my heart. My mind keeps disagreeing, though. My catholic background taught me to believe that God was never to be questioned. The Almighty knows what He is doing, blah blah blah... I beg to differ. If my questioning everything that is going on in my life means that I have failed Him, then, so be it. In my heart, I feel I deserve answers and guidance. I will keep asking.

I realized in the past couple of days, that no matter who is around, where I am, or what I am doing, it is lonely. It is mostly lonely, when I allow it to be. When the only voice I hear is the angel's on the right. When everything else becomes muffled and a blur and I start living in the past and wondering about my future. For a while, I have been feeling a little lazy and weak to snap out of it. Perhaps, I am just fed up. Whatever. It is what it is. Then, I feel the angel on the left, not struggling to be heard, or trying to out speak the one on the right, just patiently waiting for me to give him a chance and give him my undivided attention.



AFTERTHOUGHT:

For all those readers who love to romanticize and dramatize everything you read, THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE OR A CRY FOR HELP... I do not want to kill myself or die. Sometimes, our spirits take enough beating that makes us tired, but I do not have any suicidal tendencies or thoughts. I have had a rough couple of months, and sometimes enough is enough. This is how I vent and get through hard times. So, please keep this in mind, before you think I need some type of intervention. Although, asking for help is something I still need to work on... I will do that waaaay before I ever think about ending my own life. Thank you for reading my blogs.