Living My Element With Sylwia - Day 9-14

I've been away from the computer to be able to report my daily progress on my new lifestyle.

In the beginning, I had a good=pleasurable reason.  The first night, I had dinner with an old high school friend, whom I care for dearly.  We hadn't seen each other in over 16 years and catching up seemed so natural and open, it seemed like we hadn't seen each other no longer than a day.  The second night, I had   two dear friends come to visit and one stayed over night, since she lives in Orlando.

Honestly, there was not much mindful eating during these days, but I got a lot of primary food from those encounters.  My need for secondary food was minimal.  Essentially when I was hungry.  I was filled with exhilaration from meeting with such dear people and share a little over 48 hours of careless girl talk, laughter and reminiscing.

Saturday night, it all caught up to me.

I hadn't been feeling all great already during the week.  I felt my immune system warning me subtly that it wasn't at 100% speed, but I pushed myself to the limit anyway.  You would think I should know better by now.  Unfortunately, the adventurer part in me (or at least what is left of her) kept challenging me to keep the candle burning on both ends a little further.  Saturday night, I discovered that I had a pressure sore on my sacral area (for those unfamiliar w/ what that is, I encourage you to look it up at all its stages).  Not a good thing, to say the least.

My doctor, who is also a friend, called me on Friday night from her son's Capoeira class, where she had seen my sister, and sounded extremely concerned with the update on my health that my sister had given her.  We played phone tag until Sunday night.  I knew by Saturday night that it wold be in my best ultimate interest to respect/honor my body and give it the rest it has been BEGGING for.  I've been in bed rest ever since.  I, occasionally, get up to eat, shower, see the moon, play with my daughter and see the world.  My life for the past 60ish hours has been spent mostly in bed, staying off my tush.  Not very fun, but I am thankful for Words With Friends on iPhone (and my 20 odd opponents ;)).

Tomorrow I go for a CT-Scan to see how my body has been fighting off a lung infection discovered in the beginning of the year.  For the past month, I've been antibiotic free.  I'm curious to see how my precious body has done.  Kudos to it, if I get a clean bill of health.  I'm hopeful.  Otherwise, I believe some more antibiotics (probably more aggressive ones, perhaps even another drainage of the bottom lobe... ugh).  The good that has come out of it all is that I am certain my eating habits will help me beat whatever it is that is holding me down to maximize my energy.  I, suddenly, had the much awaited A-HA moment.  Although, I should come right back to bed after the scan, I will make a quick stop at WholeFoods and stock up in some good super foods and once again get back on track.

Thank you all in advance for all the good vibes, prayer, well-wishing thoughts - whatever you want to call them - they work!  Without them, I wouldn't be here today.

Much love to all of you who read these posts.. They are usually a reminder to myself to keep myself in check, and it brightens my heart that some people are inspired by them.  So many blessings and grace to all of you who read.



Afterthought:
I just came back from a little trip to my front yard, because my live-in nannie told me how beautiful the moon was.  And.. Wow! It is amazing.. I came back in with another level of energy.  I love the moon. The stars. And everything in between.

Imperfectly Beautiful

Some months ago, a friend of mine was describing her trip to San Francisco to me and she used the words "imperfectly beautiful" to describe the city. Those words stuck with me. They stuck because for the first time I heard out loud a truth about life in general. People in general as well. Beauty IS imperfect. Imperfections are what make things beautiful. I loved my newfound enlightenment.

For as long as I can remember, I incessantly tried to achieve perfection in every facet of my life. Such a tiring job, but nevertheless, I would try to find ways to make my pursuit of perfection easier and successful. As I found ways of being "perfect" in one area, other areas would suffer the blunt. At the time, these sacrifices seemed worthy, and I lived my life like that, sacrificing some things in order to be perfect or have perfection in others. I sacrificed family relationships, friendships, sometimes my health, character and love.

Then... one morning I woke up and realized I was paralyzed and that everything in my life had changed, much against my will. I no longer fit the picture perfect image I painted of myself in my head. For a long time, a very long time, I felt inadequate, imperfect and unworthy. Never beautiful. I actually stopped looking in the mirror. I began to detach from my physical self and focus on me. For the first time in my life, I got to know ME. I stopped defining myself by what I looked like and what I did. I was just Camile.

The process was not easy, although exhilarating, because for the first time, I was giving ME a chance, there were still some parts of ME that I was not too proud of. Facing the faults was hard, but recognizing where they came from and taking responsibility for them have been an incredible experience. Slowly, I have learned to love ME and forgive ME. In turn, it makes it easier to just be ME. After the period of getting to know ME again, I learned to love ME inside and out. Especially love my imperfections. On the outside, I appreciate every scar on my body; they reflect all my trials and tribulations and are there to remind me to be humble and grateful for an extra day. The same goes for the inside; every scar is outlasted by a memory that brings me joy and a feeling of love.

My search for perfection continues today, but I look for a different kind of perfect. I realize now that my spirit is eternal, and that is the real ME. I look to perfect ME, while being kind and patient to ME at the same time. This search requires no other sacrifice; it is a search of love and understanding. Every bump on the road that I may encounter is to endure the lesson. I am not perfect and I have yet much to learn, however, I recognize that all my imperfections make ME imperfectly beautiful.