Dreams, Wishes, Premonitions & Signs...

When I was in an induced coma at the hospital after my injury, I had three very powerful dreams.  One dream was of my own death, and how I was brought back to life by a friend.  Another was of me saying good bye to my family and friends at a party and only one person noticed that I was in spirit form at the party, subsequently, I saw the light, but chose not to enter it.  The third was about two of my friends at the time getting together romantically - they will be married soon.  When I woke up from the coma, the first dream (of my own death) seemed so real that I thought I was in the hospital due to what I had dreamt (the contents of the dream I'll leave for another blog).  It was a bit later that I learned that my stay in ICU was due to a car accident.

The images of those dreams impacted me profoundly.  They seemed so real.  They felt as if someone was trying to tell me something.  For the following months right after the accident, I would look forward to falling asleep and dreaming.  Anything to escape the harsh reality I was facing.  I often dreamt that I was in a wheelchair, but as soon as I approached the beach, I would get up and start jogging in the sand.  During that time, many friends would email me that they had similar dreams.  All involving me walking and the beach.  I held on to hope that their dreams also had some significant premonition that one day (very soon) I would get up and jog again on a beautiful beach watching the sunrise.

As time went on, I continued to escape into my dream world and felt extremely disappointed by morning's arrival.  Why wake up?  It feels so much better dreaming, making up as I went along.  Many mornings I forced myself back to sleep and finished a dream that I had left off midstream.

A little over a year after my accident's anniversary, I dreadfully faced the fact that I had a new life.  The old me had died and I allowed myself to grieve for a whole day.  A new me appeared after that day and dreaming was no longer an escape.  Dreaming was simply that.. dreaming.  I began to day dream.  I began to make plans for my new life.  Once in a while, I'd be overwhelmed with a dream I'd have and discovered that those overwhelming dreams all had messages of truth or a subtle sign.  I kept on dreaming of me walking, however with some difficulty and with full knowledge that I was only able to walk in my dream.  It was as if my subconscious and conscious mind had come to a truce.

In my waking hours, I stopped wishing to walk again.  I started enjoying the new life and getting to know the REAL person inside my body.  I saw a light at the end of the tunnel so bright that it contained infinite possibilities for my future.  It all depended on me.  And I knew it.  I felt it.

Shortly after my recent surgeries and health scares, I've become a little frightened of "what's next?"  It seems that every year, I have a new medical surprise, have to be hospitalized and need some invasive medical intervention.. My optimism for a bright, new, exciting life began to wear off.  I, once again, have turned to the dream world.  It seems as if the only things that keep my interest in the waking hours are my daughter and writing.  And, I have come to a huge realization that was only confirmed by a dream expert, Patti Allen...  Am I really 100% content with my life in a wheelchair?  Oh, how I miss stomping my feet on the graveled, Miami Beach sand.  Maybe, I miss the independence I felt with the running.  Feeling beautiful and wanted.

There is a certain person who is often in my dreams as well.  Someone from my past.  This morning as I remembered vividly the scenes from last night's dream, this person was there.  Why am I so stuck in dreaming with this person, when we have no interaction whatsoever in the present moment?  Unresolved feelings, perhaps?  I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve and whatever I feel towards someone or a situation, I express myself accordingly (as crazy as that might make me some days - my brother says 'this one you should have kept for your personal journal', on some of my expressive rants.)  So, I have addressed all my feelings to this person; somehow, however, this person still haunts me in my dreams.

I don't know what the answer to all this dreaming is yet.  I have hopes to make sense of it all one day.  I am not so consistent with my dream journal as I'd like to be, but I do write a lot in there.  When I read it sometimes.. I find the same re-occurring dreams.  There has to be a connection of some kind.

Dreams.. Do they really mean something?

Last night I could not sleep for the life of me.  I tossed and turned, avoiding the inevitable... Facebooking on my phone until almost 3:00am.  I fell asleep at around 5:15 and woke up before the alarm rang at 6:45.

I can hardly see straight right now.  There is so much on my mind.  It's been hard to stay focused all day long.  I think the one thing that has me very agitated is that Assistant Director Erched from Miami Dade Police Department tried to reach me three times this past week.  I wasn't able to get back to him in a timely manner because my phone was experiencing some malfunctioning last week.  Finally, last Friday we spoke and he told me that tomorrow morning, the department will be giving JMH Ryder Trauma Unit an award for what they did and still do for all the officers that go through there.  Especially one in particular who was hurt recently (very badly) by a subject (I'll leave his name out of the blog since I don't know him personally).

The A.D. asked me to go.  His asking means DO IT for me, because he's been phenomenal with me and my family since my own accident 5 1/2 years ago.  He remembers details of that time that I have even forgotten.  I can tell the friendship that was formed between us while I was deep in my coma is meaningful and powerful.  He helped my brother get transferred here from CA so that he could be near my mom while they both dealt with my life being on a limbo.

It will be the first time that I go back to the Ryder Trauma since my stay there, and also the first time I will see many officers I have not seen in a long time.  I admit I am a bit apprehensive.  It feels a bit overwhelming to me.  I know it's a chapter of my life that I need closure on... Face the place and the people I have not seen in over 5 years to move on with my new life.  I have so many ghosts haunting my mind and heart right now that it is hard to prepare for what will happen, which in the end might be really nothing at all.

Well, last night in my lucid dream state, I had a horrible vision of Anastasia falling into my pool, and me throwing myself after her from my chair.  Mind you, I can't swim very well after my accident.  The vision left me disturbed all day long.  I didn't tell anyone about the nightmarish vision because I didn't want to remember it.  After running a couple of errands today, I came back home and saw an array of Police Officers and Fire Rescue workers on the other side of the lake behind my house.  As I parked my car in the driveway, I saw a white pick-up truck partially inside the lake and many authority figures securing the scene.  I immediately thought of the nightmare I had had last night and literally began to hyperventilate.  It felt so surreal, and deep inside, I was thanking God that it wasn't my daughter.

It's not the first time I dream something and something similar happens right after... It has happened numerous times.  Sometimes, I'm okay with the messages I receive, others... not so much.  Like today.  Perhaps it's the lack of sleep that has me on edge.  Maybe it's time to consult with a dream specialist.

That's it for tonight.  I have to wake up very early tomorrow in order to show my well rested face at JMH at 9:00am.  Good night and Godspeed.  ;)

Happy Fourth of July from Oprah Winfrey

Ever since Oprah's finale, she has been sending mass emails to those who did email her at oprah@oprah.com.  I was one of those people and periodically I get messages from her.   I pretend they are only written to me.  It makes me feel special ;).  This is the latest.  It brought tears to my eyes.  God bless her.  

***************************

Hello Friends of Summer

I'm So happy to be back in the USA.

Spent a week with my girls in S.A..

They were all stressed for tests, but doing fine. No major crisis this trip. 

I love being with them and talking to them about all things important.

When I 'm there I'm talking from the time I get up til I go to bed, about EVERYTHING teenage girls are going through. It's the same all over the world.

I'm going back this fall to teach a class; calling it Life 101.

All the stuff I wish someone had told me about how the world works.

Should be fun since I love to teach. And they're like sponges.

Like 12th graders everywhere this first class is both anxious and excited about going to college.

Most will be the first in their family. So it's a very big deal for them, and they're feeling the pressure. 

Nothing like going out of country to have an even deeper appreciation for our own U.S.A. The Freedom to have options, something we often take for granted, is the most striking to me.

When Chris Rock was last on the show he said, "real wealth is having options". I thought that was pretty profound.

I now stress to my girls that education prepares you to have options. Without it you have none. 

Just took a walk around the neighborhood watching sprinklers on the back lawn. (I love sprinklers) Made me think about the red dirt road I traveled from Mississippi (no sprinklers) to the here and now.

And how that journey could have only been possible in the U.S.A. 

I know the 4th of July has turned into picnics and fireworks, and barbecue moments. But it's worthy of a pause, to think about what it really means to have Freedom. 

And while we're pausing think about those who sacrifice to make it so. 

Wishing you all a Peaceful and Happy 4th of July.

Oprah