The images of those dreams impacted me profoundly. They seemed so real. They felt as if someone was trying to tell me something. For the following months right after the accident, I would look forward to falling asleep and dreaming. Anything to escape the harsh reality I was facing. I often dreamt that I was in a wheelchair, but as soon as I approached the beach, I would get up and start jogging in the sand. During that time, many friends would email me that they had similar dreams. All involving me walking and the beach. I held on to hope that their dreams also had some significant premonition that one day (very soon) I would get up and jog again on a beautiful beach watching the sunrise.
As time went on, I continued to escape into my dream world and felt extremely disappointed by morning's arrival. Why wake up? It feels so much better dreaming, making up as I went along. Many mornings I forced myself back to sleep and finished a dream that I had left off midstream.
A little over a year after my accident's anniversary, I dreadfully faced the fact that I had a new life. The old me had died and I allowed myself to grieve for a whole day. A new me appeared after that day and dreaming was no longer an escape. Dreaming was simply that.. dreaming. I began to day dream. I began to make plans for my new life. Once in a while, I'd be overwhelmed with a dream I'd have and discovered that those overwhelming dreams all had messages of truth or a subtle sign. I kept on dreaming of me walking, however with some difficulty and with full knowledge that I was only able to walk in my dream. It was as if my subconscious and conscious mind had come to a truce.
In my waking hours, I stopped wishing to walk again. I started enjoying the new life and getting to know the REAL person inside my body. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel so bright that it contained infinite possibilities for my future. It all depended on me. And I knew it. I felt it.
Shortly after my recent surgeries and health scares, I've become a little frightened of "what's next?" It seems that every year, I have a new medical surprise, have to be hospitalized and need some invasive medical intervention.. My optimism for a bright, new, exciting life began to wear off. I, once again, have turned to the dream world. It seems as if the only things that keep my interest in the waking hours are my daughter and writing. And, I have come to a huge realization that was only confirmed by a dream expert, Patti Allen... Am I really 100% content with my life in a wheelchair? Oh, how I miss stomping my feet on the graveled, Miami Beach sand. Maybe, I miss the independence I felt with the running. Feeling beautiful and wanted.
There is a certain person who is often in my dreams as well. Someone from my past. This morning as I remembered vividly the scenes from last night's dream, this person was there. Why am I so stuck in dreaming with this person, when we have no interaction whatsoever in the present moment? Unresolved feelings, perhaps? I have learned to wear my heart on my sleeve and whatever I feel towards someone or a situation, I express myself accordingly (as crazy as that might make me some days - my brother says 'this one you should have kept for your personal journal', on some of my expressive rants.) So, I have addressed all my feelings to this person; somehow, however, this person still haunts me in my dreams.
I don't know what the answer to all this dreaming is yet. I have hopes to make sense of it all one day. I am not so consistent with my dream journal as I'd like to be, but I do write a lot in there. When I read it sometimes.. I find the same re-occurring dreams. There has to be a connection of some kind.
