Friday, January 13 2012

It was 6 years ago today that I left my house to go to work, also on a Friday night, January 13, 2006 and didn't realize I would never step foot in that apartment again.. That night, my life was changed for ever.. in so many ways.

There has been nothing more defining, strengthening and cataclysmic that has ever happened to me. After hitting a tree while patrolling the streets of Dade County, I became paralyzed from the chest down and suffered numerous complications.

It's six years later.  My life is at another pivotal point. This time, by choice. I have learned to listen close and pay attentions to the signs around me. I have learned the power of gratitude and most importantly I have learned to live authentically to my true nature.

Six years since my accident more than 100 officers are now fighting for their jobs in the department I used to work for. They are being laid off. It is with immense conviction and certainty that I wish to tell them that no matter what, everything will be okay. Whether our lives are changed by the hands of others or an act of fate, it all makes sense in the end. It is hard to endure the bitch-slap life gives you while you're going through the ordeal, but with a poised mind and by stepping out of the situation and looking at it from the outside in, other perspectives become clear and the fog dissipates.  It is hard to imagine now, but gratitude for this incident will inevitably take place.. Hopefully sooner than later.

My thoughts are with all these officers and their families. I know that other doors are opening for them in many other facets of their life as this one is closing.

Love and wisdom always.

Thank You For Your Pity

After becoming a mom and becoming more involved in different projects, I don't have time anymore to sit in front of the T.V. and drift away watching my many favorite shows. I am very grateful for DVRs and Tivos for that reason. I DVR every single show that inspires me, humors me and teaches me something. I set aside a time during the week to catch up on them and recently started taking notes on them (it may sound weird, but I have begun to keep record of everything that grabs my attention for some reason or another).

One of the shows I think is pretty fantastic is Super Soul Sunday on OWN. As I watched last week's interview between Oprah and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, I was for the gazillionth time inspired by Dr. Jill. I find her remarkable, and am so deeply touched by her. For those of who are not familiar with her, I suggest you watch the video below to get familiarized with her story. (click on link to access video on TED talks)

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor - My Stroke Of Insight

Throughout the interview I was captivated by her story (once again) and then she said something so powerful.  As she had become fully aware of the energy that people brought to her, but no longer could understand language from them, she knew when people came to her with pity, and at the same time she realized that that pity was a projection of their own fears onto her. She could not communicate at the time and she wanted to tell them "I'm wounded, not stupid."

For almost six years, I have dealt with looks, and comments that for a long time I thought had everything to do with me. I shied away from people like that, and began to attract them at home instead. Before even watching this episode of Super Soul Sunday where Dr. Taylor expresses the same feelings, I began to be more courageous and face people.. Literally, lock them in when they stared.  I, soon, realized that the moment our gazes met, they'd look away embarrassed and disempowered. The stares and comments had nothing to do with me – everything to do with them. I couldn't pin point or articulate it as well as Dr. Taylor did back then, but I realized, it is their own fear that makes them pity me. It is fear that it may happen to them, so because of some karmic fantasy that most people believe in, they think that pitying me will liberate them from this "doomed" destiny.  It was one of the most liberating things I have ever experienced in my life. I no longer hide away from anything or anyone. If I don't show up for something, it is simply because I don't feel like it.

Feeling sorry for someone or not feeling sorry for someone will not alter our destiny and will not bring us "good" or "bad" karma.  My accident was an event in my life that served me in many ways. Were they all beneficial (positive)? The answer will depend on each person's perception of positive or negative. All I can say is that I am grateful it happened – beyond words.  I used to have an addiction with my physical body, looks and how the world perceived me. I was obsessed with looking good, meeting some societal parameters of how a "beautiful" person should look.. One of the ways the accident served me was to break me free from that addiction and force me to appreciate the other aspects of myself I had disassociated from, but that were still equally important as my physical body.

As I evolved and learned from experiences, reflections and relationships, I realize that my accident does not define the person I am. It has helped mold me. It is part of my infinite self. It is an event that helped shape the trajectory of the life I chose to pursue, but it is not the totality of who I am. I write this blog today, because with tears in my eyes, a heart exploding with love and full of gratitude, I have integrated the event of that fateful night of January 14, 2006 into my whole being, resulting in me looking forward to the next event that will help me leap into a new quantum of infinite opportunities.

Dreams.. Do they really mean something?

Last night I could not sleep for the life of me.  I tossed and turned, avoiding the inevitable... Facebooking on my phone until almost 3:00am.  I fell asleep at around 5:15 and woke up before the alarm rang at 6:45.

I can hardly see straight right now.  There is so much on my mind.  It's been hard to stay focused all day long.  I think the one thing that has me very agitated is that Assistant Director Erched from Miami Dade Police Department tried to reach me three times this past week.  I wasn't able to get back to him in a timely manner because my phone was experiencing some malfunctioning last week.  Finally, last Friday we spoke and he told me that tomorrow morning, the department will be giving JMH Ryder Trauma Unit an award for what they did and still do for all the officers that go through there.  Especially one in particular who was hurt recently (very badly) by a subject (I'll leave his name out of the blog since I don't know him personally).

The A.D. asked me to go.  His asking means DO IT for me, because he's been phenomenal with me and my family since my own accident 5 1/2 years ago.  He remembers details of that time that I have even forgotten.  I can tell the friendship that was formed between us while I was deep in my coma is meaningful and powerful.  He helped my brother get transferred here from CA so that he could be near my mom while they both dealt with my life being on a limbo.

It will be the first time that I go back to the Ryder Trauma since my stay there, and also the first time I will see many officers I have not seen in a long time.  I admit I am a bit apprehensive.  It feels a bit overwhelming to me.  I know it's a chapter of my life that I need closure on... Face the place and the people I have not seen in over 5 years to move on with my new life.  I have so many ghosts haunting my mind and heart right now that it is hard to prepare for what will happen, which in the end might be really nothing at all.

Well, last night in my lucid dream state, I had a horrible vision of Anastasia falling into my pool, and me throwing myself after her from my chair.  Mind you, I can't swim very well after my accident.  The vision left me disturbed all day long.  I didn't tell anyone about the nightmarish vision because I didn't want to remember it.  After running a couple of errands today, I came back home and saw an array of Police Officers and Fire Rescue workers on the other side of the lake behind my house.  As I parked my car in the driveway, I saw a white pick-up truck partially inside the lake and many authority figures securing the scene.  I immediately thought of the nightmare I had had last night and literally began to hyperventilate.  It felt so surreal, and deep inside, I was thanking God that it wasn't my daughter.

It's not the first time I dream something and something similar happens right after... It has happened numerous times.  Sometimes, I'm okay with the messages I receive, others... not so much.  Like today.  Perhaps it's the lack of sleep that has me on edge.  Maybe it's time to consult with a dream specialist.

That's it for tonight.  I have to wake up very early tomorrow in order to show my well rested face at JMH at 9:00am.  Good night and Godspeed.  ;)