i've been going through a roller coaster of emotions lately. ups. downs. turns. it's safe to say that i'm getting a little motion sickness from the ride. there's a time in everyone's life when we move out of our comfort zone and live in the unknown. scary stuff. i've read a lot, gone to some powerful seminars and discovered through my own experiences that in that "unknowingness" is where you define yourself again. nonetheless, it's a little scary. lack of faith? no. every one is different, and i do have a big type-a personality (although, at times i like to say i'm very easy going), that fine line between comfort and discomfort is where i see my true-self. when i balance myself in that center, a whole new camile is born.
yesterday, i almost fell off the high cable. while, balancing myself on that fine line, living on the unknowingness for a while, i held on to my self-righteousness. i didn't know how lop sided self-righteousness can make someone. i lost my balance for a while. to gain it back, i over-indulged in self-wrongeousness. again, lop sided. for 24 hours i've been going back and forth between these two personas. until now. while on the self-righteousness mode, i didn't realize i was hurting some very important people, and how i had hurt them in the past with the same attitude. as i became aware of that, i hurt for them. my heart broke. i broke apart. the self-wrongeousness persona, then, took over. i cried for a long time. yesterday. today.
with no more tears to spare, i feel centered again. i don't know how long this centered-persona will last. but, while going through the yo-yo of these charged emotions, i discovered more things about myself. things that i had been suppressing lately for fear of being judged and disliked. i thought about that fear of being judged and disliked and asked myself, "who am i so afraid of ?" the answer came as aloud as a thunder. "ME."
this is what i discovered:
- i speak my mind
- i need alone time (a lot)
- i am a control freak
- i don't trust easily
- i disguise fear with assertiveness
- i cry when i feel helpless
- i cry when i repent
- i don't like to be called strong
- i wish i could show more vulnerability
- i don't like knowing that i hurt people when that wasn't my intention
- i don't like hearing from those people that they were hurt by something i said
- i'm mortified of messing up my daughter's upbringing
- i'm mortified of losing her
- i rather sit home and write than have social time with friends (lately)
- i need balance in my life
- sometimes, i need a bit of me time, away from my daughter
- i don't want to be the world's problem solver
- i've denied myself some of my guilty pleasures, and need them back desperately
these are some of the things i discovered in this 24 hour period. the process has been going on much longer. there's lots more in there waiting for the right time to pop out and make sense to me. maybe, i'm not a perfect mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter. and i finally accept that i don't want to be perfect. i'm tired of putting that pressure upon myself. i want to live a life in which at the end i have no regrets. that's all. there's a certain order to all this chaos that's going on inside me. i feel it. i hear it. i don't know what else i'll find out. i know that there are infinite traits that define the being that i am. the only thing i am concerned about doing right now is being authentic to the person that i'm unfolding to be at this moment.
the process is brutal. the not-knowing terrifies me. but, deep in my heart, really deep in there, i'm grateful to be going through it. i'm growing.
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