Who Are You?... Without Your Story

I'll start this without much introduction about the title and jump right on to the meaty stuff that I've been thinking about for quite a bit.

Who am I? Who am I without my story?

It was so hard.. let me rephrase this, it is so hard to answer this question. One, because I don't think there is a finite answer to it. It constantly changes. Two, because I haven't even begun scratching the surface of the deep truth that lies deep within me and which I can articulate with ease to anyone. I'm still on the quest.

I'm going through so many changes (internal mostly) in my life that there are very few seconds not spent in self-examination, sometimes driving my family a bit bonkers and my friends too. I'm curious, though. Who am I really?

As humans our relationships are built upon our resonance to each other, most of the time because of the stories we have to tell about our lives. We see each other in each other's struggles and victories. We are reminded that we are not alone by knowing others who are on similar paths as we.  What would happen if we all got amnesia? What would happen if a handful of us lost everything we define ourselves by – family, jobs, material possessions, friends, looks.. Who would we be?

About a month or so ago, I mentioned to a great friend that I had begun to shed my story.  She thought I related having a story to being a victim.  At the moment, I couldn't really articulate what I thought about my "shedding of my story", but I knew that it had nothing to do with feeling like a victim.  Now I know exactly what it is that I wanted to shed... a label. The one which I perceive to be imposed on me. "The girl in the wheelchair who is so inspirational, strong, defiant, etc." or "The girl in the wheelchair, wow, so young, what a tragedy, such a wasted life." There are more versions and they all vary according to the person's own projections and fears when they see me or talk to me along with my own perceptions of them. I would love, however, to meet with 100 random strangers through a wall and have them range in age, race, gender, education, beliefs, values, backgrounds and all that good stuff. After speaking to me for 60 minutes about anything they wanted, I'd like them to describe me as they envisioned me in their head only based on our conversation.. I wonder how they'd describe me and I wonder how I'd describe them.

What I'm trying to say is that the fateful accident that changed my life was only an event. I was changed physically, physiologically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually as it also affected me socially and financially. Was it a tragedy? NO.  Was it a blessing? Well, I like to answer that by saying that I wouldn't change one single thing about it because I wouldn't be where I am in life if it were not for the event taking place.

I'm still thinking about this question. I write tirelessly in my journal about it. Sometimes a bunch of scribble-scrabble. Others some really insightful words. What I have begun to discover is that there is a place inside of me where all things are possible. It goes beyond the physical, emotional, charged matter we carry in our daily lives. It's a place so pure, so sacred and I have only been able to reach it twice. These mere glimpses have quieted my anxiety to find the answer. It has actually taught me that in the journey there is more to come. I'm still discovering all that I can be without a story. Without the charged drama. Without the limiting box around me. I am...

Inside of me there is a space where all evolution has taken place. A place where I can relate to the stars. I can understand the love affair between the Earth and the Sun. A place where no words are necessary to explain who I am. It is all there. There is no story defining it. No label claiming it. It's as silent as the vacuum in outer space.

There is no story really.  Just a set of events interconnected to set me free from my own preconceived notions and biases. So much more self-examinations ahead, I know. But, the further I delve into the unknown to find those answers, I realize that that which I am is much simpler than any persona I have tried to be and incorporate in my entire life. So much simpler.