I don't even know where to begin ... As far as reporting these last 3 days, wow... All I know is that as I write, I'm lying in bed, laptop on my lap, trying to organize my thoughts as I make sense of the whirlwind that has been happening. I'm sick again. Surprise, surprise.
I guess it all began in January when I was diagnosed with an abscess in my right lung. It was the size of a melon. It was drained, and as part of the treatment, I needed to have subsequent CT-Scans to check on the progress of the treatment. Last Wednesday, day 15, was my last CT-Scan. Apparently, the previous infection has improved, but I, now, have a new one. Pneumonia on the upper lobe of my right lung.
I hadn't been feeling well for a while, but thought that my lack of energy was a result of some type of mental block, maybe a depression. I never thought, or maybe didn't want to face the fact that it could be pneumonia - again.
Nevertheless, I have continued to pay attention to my eating. Liquids intake has definitely improved. Exercising, well.. still working on that one. That will probably start happening again once the antibiotics take effect.
As bummed out as I was to know that I had pneumonia again, even though this time isn't nearly as horrible as the beginning of the year, I'm relieved to know that my sluggishness is the result of my body being sick and not some phantom depression I thought I was suffering from. Also, an even newer, more centered form of respect has developed towards myself and my body by going through this. It is teaching me to listen, and honor every little ache and pleasure I feel.
This is the only body I have. It's gone through hell and back. Mostly, I've put it through hell by not honoring it enough or as it should have been honored from the day I knew better. This is my body, and it serves me daily. It is my precious temple and best refuge. It is where I turn to when I need "me" time, I go inward. It is what I adorn when I want to feel prettier. It might not be a perfect body, but it perfectly fits me. It's a privilege to have it. And, I, finally, love it. I love it for everything that it was, is and could be. I'm learning to be kinder to it.
I don't think all this could have happened if I had not made a conscious choice to be more aware, present and loving of myself.
AFTERTHOUGHT:
I usually tape the Oprah shows and watch them when I have free time. Some time in the beginning of the week, before I went to sleep, I watched her last show on weight loss. I was awed by the story of a mother and daughter who were overweight. Through some hard moments, the mother taught her young daughter that food was the medication to grief, and the habit of running to food for "whenever things got hard" was formed. The mother, eventually, began to take charge of her life and health. She, not only, started to eat right but also enrolled herself in races and subsequently triathlons. She, never, however, imposed a weight loss regimen on her 11 year old daughter who, then, was 50 lbs overweight. The daughter took the initiative herself by watching her mom take charge of her life. As they walked out onto the stage at Harpo Studios with their new looks, I had an A-HA moment. I decided I wanted to live a life of examples to my daughter. A life of unsaid "do as I do, not as I say".
Educating myself on eating habits for my own benefit has brought me an even bigger gift. I can show my daughter that she can be proactive in finding out what is fitting for her lifestyle and what isn't. It will help me teach her to be her own person, early on. Most importantly, it will help me teach her to listen, honor and love herself just the way she is.
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