Solitude vs. Multitude

A friend of mine (I"ll keep her nameless, she doesn't like much attention) always calls me a part-time loner.  She has been saying that for the 19 years I've known her.  I often found it amusing that she paid that much attention to my behavior to qualify me as a "part-time" loner; and I also found it cute.  I usually described myself as a people person (even though I'm not into crowded small places at all!!!), but I love to meet people and hear their stories, perhaps, because at heart, I'm a story-teller myself.  Lately, though, I've come to the conclusion that my friend's been right all along.  I am a "part-time" loner. 

Prior to getting hurt, my life was my business.  I'd get up and go whenever and wherever I pleased, needless to say with whomever as well.  The first couple of years post-injury, I never had a moment to myself.  Oh, how frustrating that used to be.  At the same time, I wouldn't have made it through those years on my own.  So, everything worked out fine.  I needed them physically, they needed to feel needed and we accomplished what had to be done. 

Now, 4 1/2 years later, I'm completely independent.  I still live with my mom, but only because it's convenient, it's a huge house for either one of us to live alone in it and even though we have our disagreements here and there, we enjoy each other's company a lot.  BUT.....Whenever I find myself home alone, it's absolute pure joy.  I so rejoice my solitude.  Being a bit of the left-brained person that I am, I question (all the time) if that's healthy - loving to be alone so much, just me and my thoughts. 

One of my favorite people that ever lived, Albert Einstein, once said:  “I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” Reading that makes me wonder, have I reached my years of maturity?  Or am I still painfully too immature to understand why it's so important?  I'm sure there's no right or wrong answer to either question, because sometimes, I feel both.  I love being alone, with my writing, my books, my thoughts, sometimes just staring at my walls, but I also fear to end up alone. 

I enjoy my moments of solitude when I can organize the craziness that is in my head sometimes, but I do feel that deep inside, everybody needs somebody.  So, I decided that I will no longer shout out loud "I love being alone." Sometimes, we have to be careful what we wish for.  I appreciate the moments I get to be alone, but I also welcome companionship in my life.  I know that life would be so much easier being lived hermit-like, and I secretly always hoped to buy a sail boat and sail away in my later years, alone.  I stopped hoping that, because, I know life can't be planned, you can have goals, but it's not up to you how you get there... It's a very hard lesson to learn.  No one wants to give up control of how their lives will turn out or the likes.  Most importantly, everything we learn in life are from the relationships we form.  We learn from each other because of our interconnectedness.  There is a need for people in our lives as well as time alone. It all really is a matter of balance.

Lastly, I wanted to say that I have experienced both spectrums in my life and I like what I mentioned before - the balance between both.  I'm grateful that I have the option again to be alone when I feel like it, and other times surrounded by great souls.  Even when one or the other happens and it is not in tune with how I'm feeling, I know it's because there is a reason for it, so instead of wishing for the other, I take advantage of the moment.  I guess being a "part-time" loner is not a bad thing after all, it's just a part of me.